Cosco and the ultimate power of the universe.

The husband of the couple who I'm renting my place from offered to take me for a trip to Cosco. I didn't understand why that would warrent a trip, but I couldn't find a good reason to say no, and I I think he's pretty cool, so I went along.

Turns out Cosco is really a secret Cabal, mainly for old people. I've never seen so many handicapped parking spots in my life. At least thirty or forty.

The shopping carts were twice as big as normal shopping carts, and there were also... what to call them, something you might use to transport large crates of things, or a lot of luggage. You need to present your Cosco membership at the door, where it is carfully checked. Inside is a space to rival Super Walmats. It's a huge, high cealinged warehouse, with tall stacks of giant boxes of kleenex, wide screen tv's, a food section with lots of free samples, and just about everything else. Kind of a Shopping center for giants. You have to use your cosco card to check out, and at the door, a lady looked at our reciptes and counted how many items we had in our cart, to make sure we weren't stealing anything.

I've never seen such high security at a shopping center. I can only guess that old people are an especialy high demographic for shoplifting, because they just don't care/feel they're old enought that they can do what they want/realize they're going to die soon so who cares what other people think of them.

Oh, and they had partial sky-lighting, which made me happy.

Also, the periodicaly move around were items are, in an obvious attempt to mess with the old people and make them think they're getting alzheimers, to try to send them into a buying frenzy.

(reminds me of a comic someone told me of: an old dieing man is lieing in his deathbed, family gathered around him. his last words are, "I wish... I'd bought...more crap...")

In other news: I just got an interesting suggestion, that I function on a shame based (in this definition shame = feeling like I'm bad) system rather than a guilt based (guilt = feeling like my actions are bad) system, because I feel like I am incapable of change, of improvement. I feel like I have no power to change things. So, I do something I feel is crappy, and I don't make amends, rectify my guilt, and so it sticks around and starts being shame.

Malcolm mentioned that the rule of karma means, if you work on something, that action will absolutely have an effect. If you practice a sport, you will get better at it. Cause and effect. It may happen slowly, it may not make you the best in the world at it, but it will definitly have an effect. And in the moment, the current moment, I stand at the head of my previous karma, with the free will choice to create whatever current karma I want. I have to start from where I am, but if I don't make different choices, I won't change.

So now the old program has been brought to light, and a new, more attractive program has been introduced, or activated. Now they have to battle it out. My job is to lean as much as I can into the new program, because that is much closer to how I want to be functioning.

And it starts with this belief that I'm just fundamentally not a good person. And it starts with the realization that I can change my destiny through my current actions.

There are a lot of people in the town of fairfield, and a lot of my close friends, who espouse my original program. They say, "you have no free will, it's all predetermined." And they are good talkers, so they can argue there point very well. I kind of want to scream fuck you at them, but I realize the problem is with me, not them, and speaking harsh words is something I long ago realized has very strong and often immediate negative consequences. It's amazing how much you can wound someone with a mere word.

Really, any viewpoint is just that, a viewpoint. Whether you really think there is free will, or not, what is important is the consequences of your beliefs. Because they create your world. For me, my belief in no free will has the consequence of great suffering and inertia. It leads to me feeling powerless, and thus acting powerless. And the truth is that's bullshit. Man is not powerless, Man is incredibly powerful. We have the ability to shape the world we live in, and we have huge control over our personal reality, via our beliefs. This old belife fails my simple, effective test, and so is up for changing.

That simple test, by the way, is this: does this create more light in my life, or darkness? Said a few more ways: Does it inspire radient feelings or constricted ones? Does it inspire me towards purity, joy, growth, or discourage me and depress me? Is it of the light or darkness; your heart knows this, in it's simplicity. Suffering, ignorance, confusion... or love?

Now comes the longer part, where I have to feel through all of this. Where I have to stand in tearing winds of doubt and fear and old patterns and begin to create something new. Where I take my first, unsteady steps, unsure if I can do it, unsure of what is going to happen, of where I might end up, if I do succeed..

Shitfuck. as the old philosophers and saints-in-training say. Too bad I can't buy determination at Cosco, cus I could sure use a wholesale box of it.