The perfect swell of the upper left hip of the fire goddess

It's been a while. I've done a lot. Much has changed. Much has grown. And now back in fairfield, I feel the familiar pull, back below water. Back to drowning. Falling into routine. It feels like death, or more accurately, it feels like not living. Like I've been covered in plastic, like our grandparents couches. Preserved for ever, enjoyed never. When I play it safe, I get to be safe, but I don't get to experience things. It's more energy to try to live deeply, but it is worth the investment.

Right now, it is difficult to get in touch with my desires. They are confused. I think maybe some of my desires are hiding because they are afraid, if they express themselves, if they try and get fulfilled, something bad will happen. So they're so suppressed I can't even find them.

that's my big homework for now: get in touch with my desire-body.

It's difficult. I'm in a dark, cold cave. deep, silent pools of water and a steady rhythmic dropping of water from stalactites punctuates the silence, tapping out the hundred thousand year old duet of water and stone shaping each other. I'm wandering through these dark tunnels alone, searching for another person there she is, pale and fiery, reflection from the pool she's at the edge of doubling her. There is the hint of warmth from here, but there is still the large, cold pool to cross, and her light and heat are diminished by this cold place and her long solitude. Somehow I must help her go from the only lukewarm body in a world of cool, into a burning inferno of a goddess that has the earth erupting above us and the cave filled with bubbling pools and steam. I am completely unsure of what my next step must be, but I begin swimming across the pool of water towards her.