A Journey to a New World (as I write this)

sometimes, your heart just hurts.

you don't know why, if there even is a reason. There's probably a reason. I could make up a reason, and it could be right. But it doesn't matter. What matters is my heart hurts and there is nothing to do about. Nothing that will make it go away but time. Which makes everything go away. And makes everything come.

When does the easy part come? I'm through the really hard part, most of the time, except times like these, but I'm still not at the easy part. It's half easy. It's easy to be nothing now. It's easy to be. But it's so hard still, to do. Or to become. I'm a noun searching for his verbage.

This kind of pain, it's so lonely. So sad. Like a wolf howling at the moon on a cold night, no clouds to be a big blanket over the land. I chase things that don't matter to me, over and through the Internet. I wake up out of the passing obsession, my heart terrified: I've just lost another day. I've just been useless some more.

The time for explaining, for seeing through the beliefs has passed. I've done that work.

Your worthless. Is it true? I don't know. But I'm afraid if I don't believe it I will be worthless.

What does that mean? It looks like this: a boy sitting inside in front of his computer doing something he doesn't like, because he desperately wants to find something that with make it all ok, make it all complete. It looks like watching tv shows all day long, not even taking the time to shower.

And that's wrong. Is that true? I don't know. But I'm afraid if I don't believe it, I'll do it. And I really do think it's wrong. My mothers voice in my head, telling me to go to bed on time and meditate and do something productive. Not bad advice. But those voices tell me what is right and wrong, and they don't effect what I actually do. Or do they? The certainly don't make me do what they say to do. They make me miserable when I continually don't do them.

It's not fair, and it doesn't makes sense. What should I think? Is that now a list of rights and wrongs too? Sin sin sin.

Another perspective: your not bad, but your actions may be.

Well, how is that, if I am responsible for my actions? Ok, getting into philosophy. I've had this conversation before, and I detest it, because it achieves nothing. It just spins in circles.

What do I experience? This is the actual work. What I experience is that my action comes from a source that is unfathomable. Am I responsible? is it my fault, all of this horribleness? That doesn't seem fair. It's not like I'm omnipotent. My environment effects me, considerably. And my tendencies.

And most of all my despair. Whenever I try to put my mind to something, put my will to something, I'm struck by the thought, by the previous experience, that none of it gives me what I want.

This is why I'm a spiritual seeker. Despair. The despair that comes from recognizing that there is nothing in this world that will make me happy.

And that's also where the determination comes from. This spirit, this journey, is my only hope. of course I'm going to be utterly one pointed about it, however confused and unclear my direction is: this is my only hope.

And even when hope seems lost, it doesn't matter. There's still nothing else to do, even if there's only a 0.01% chance that it will work. I live in a desert, and I'm constantly trying to convince myself that I don't. I can distract myself for short periods of time, with tv, video games, dreams of changing the world. Pretending that I don't live in a barren desert, the only inhabitant.

As it is, I think there's a pretty large percent change that such a place as peace exists. The oasis off in the distance. Always moving away from you as you move towards it.

Sometimes things are nice, for a little bit, or a while. That exists, though it always goes away sooner or later. But it does exist. My pain has gotten less. Maybe it really could get gone, all the way.

It's so painful, thinking that your life is a big failure. It's more painful than pain. it saps the strength. it erodes happiness.

I think it would be such a wonderful character, who totally approved of there own life. Regardless of what that life was. That would be a person I would love to be around, and watch grow and live. No matter what they did, it would be wonderful to see. It would be good for my heart. I want everyone to have that gift. It seems like a nice gift. When I try to imagine myself without the ability to belief that I was a failure, with the belief that everything I did was a success, was as it should be...

...it's really hard to imagine. First I picture myself just totally going into lethargy. eating, sleeping, watching tv, not calling anyone, not going to anything, missing appointments, disconnected from the world, living of my inheritance.... but then, there's this fuzzy thing that happens, like I can't see into the future that far, where something changes, because, unlike normal, I'm not getting angry at myself...

whoa.

And... and I'm...not worried....

wow.

It's so relaxed. Like the weight of the world is being lifted from me.

And I keep imagining me, in that situation, not feeling bad about it, and then starting to worry about what's going to happen, and then remembering that I can't think that thought, in this imaginary scenario, so I wouldn't be doing that. I couldn't come back to that thought, ever.

I couldn't think that something wrong was going to happen. And maybe some stuff would happen. Some really heavy stuff, as I neglected certain responsibilities that I only upheld because I was afraid of not doing them. And got the repercussions. And then normally I would think, "oh, see, here's how bad I am, look at how all my bad actions are coming back to me"... but I couldn't think that, so I'd just...not see a problem with them. I'd still be a success. Maybe a success that hurt, but... still...a...

success.

This is amazing. This is a whole new world. I like this imaginary world, this imaginary me. It's blowing my mind, right now, as I type this. I'm going to play in this imaginary world for a bit now, if you'll excuse me. I'll maybe let you know how it turns out.

On a random note: how's this blog, for other people? I'm curious. Oh quiet watchers, I call you from the shadow places across the globe in quiet rooms with glowing screens; answer me.

Sin

The original meaning of sin, as it was introduced biblically, was an archery word meaning, "to miss the mark."

This is much more accurate as a description of life than what the word sin has become nowadays: that is, something you have done that is wrong and must be punished, or something that makes you fundamentally a bad person, or something that is going to send you to hell.

I here officially mock the idea that God will punish you for doing bad stuff by sending you to hell. There is no concept that is more closely linked with the word "sheeple" than this. Your actions have results. Perhaps, if there is reincarnation (a concept that was a part of most religions, including christianity, until people decided it was to hard to controle people without eternal damnation) then the results come back to you in other lives as well. As good an explanation for crappy or good stuff happening that you didn't seem to precipitate as any other concept.

In any case, it is quite apparent to me that we make our own heaven and hell, and we make our own lives. If this is not apparent to you, fine, live as you perceive.

It is also apparent to me that God is good, and cares about his creation. And would never, every stoop to punishment. God is intricately linked with love, this I know. All else follows, and dogmas are easily seen though as defilement's of God's love or expressions of it. No need for jesus or buddha: what would Love do?

I am a fan of kissing: keeping it simple.

God is good, God is Love.

Truth is good.

Simplicity is good.

Violent religious zealots are fuckwads.

Unthinking, unfeeling masses are sending us to hell without even realizing it, because they have given over their brain cavity to the violent fuckwads.

Nature is pretty.

The unthinking, unfeeling masses can march us to heaven, by waking up and starting to think for themselves and especially feel the beating of there own heart.

You can't fuck it up. The worst you can do is miss the mark. The worst you can do is stop trying.

So keep taking those steps. One at a time. Pathetic and fail-ish though you may feel. There are only two options: stop, or keep walking. And it does get better, as you keep moving forward. It really does.

Mmmmm. Juice.

Today, we talk about the juicy stuff.

literally juicy.

No, not that litteral. No juicing apparatus.

Sex.

We talk about sex.

I've not talked about sex for a while.

Mostly, I just do it.

Sex.

No, not with other people. Prostitution is illegal most of the time, and frankly, I'm too embarrassed to try something like that, especially when I have other, much simpler and less dangerous options, like onanism. (Not the biblical one.)

and porn.

Women.

Women short and tall, rubenesque and skinny, blond an brunet and raven and red, scantily clad or fancily decorated. good girls bad girls sweet girls mean girls.

pretty girls.

I want to have sex with them.

Well congratulations Isaac, you've entered the 9/10ths of the entire male population club.

I don't want to have sex with them.

Wait, what do you mean by that? Why the hell wouldn't you want to have sex with them if you're not gay? You're swerving into some much less populated demographics.

I mean, what I want from them, isn't what sex is.

Well, sex can mean a lot of things. We've got all kinds of sex, my boy. All kinds. Maybe you just haven't found the right flavor yet.

Perhaps. But I intuitively feel that what I'm searching for, what gets spiked whenever I see something feminine and attractive, doesn't really fit into that word, sex. I think that because I have access to the internet, and frankly, if it was just a certain kind of sex, I probably would have found it, by now. You see, the thing is, I don't know what it is, that I'm looking for. All I know is that, regular as old faithful, I start getting this violent swirling of energy inside me, like a whirlpool, like a hurricane. It wants... something. Wants to do something. And seeing beautiful woman, makes it want to do that something, even more.

Porn now, porn is simple. When I was younger, it was new. And that was good enough. I like novel experiences. I like masturbation. It's fun. As a teenager, it was pretty close to essential, to keep me from going crazy. And it was fascinating. However, what I've noticed nowadays, is that if it wasn't for porn, I wouldn't masturbate nearly as much. Which is interesting, because the sexual energy inside me is still strong, and I'd be spending a lot of time uncomfortably energized, just because I didn't care enough to fix the problem through a simple bout of strangling the dolphin.

That's odd, that is. The only conclusion I could come to about this, is that my horniness isn't distinctly, well, sexual. In order to get rid of that energy, via sexual release, I have to actually change the quality of that energy, from something pre-sexual, into sexual, via looking at pictures of people having sex. I suppose I should deeply thank porn, because without it I would be significantly more hot and bothered than I am now. Porn, and the subsequent masturbation, gives me contentment and release, even if just temporarily. Sometimes guilt too, but that bit, I've found, is optional.

Well, is there something else I could be putting this... well, energy, to use in? I think actually yes is the answer. I think I could. But there's something stopping me. something that would be very nice to deal with:

Failure.

made popular in Isaac-vile by

Rejection.

There are all sorts of cool things I could be doing, but I don't want to do them, even as I desperately want to do them, because I am terrified of failing, yet again. Afraid of being rejected. Somewhere along the line, I got told, or shown, that when I didn't succeed at something, when I "sinned", it meant that I was a bad person. I "took it personally."

you know, there are some people, I'm thinking of certain olympic athletes, but they're in every field, who excel in their field, not because they are just naturally the best, though they are predisposed for what they do, but because someone taught them good as a kid, and they learned that everything is a lesson, and there is no such thing as failure, as long as you learn from your mistakes. And bless there little hearts, they believed it, and they became super awesome because when they fell off the horse, they'd get back on.

Me, not so much. I fall off the horse, I generally stay off the horse. Maybe take up cricket. Something less predisposed to falling.

what the fuck, ay? Obviously I "know better."

fuck you, me. It doesn't matter if I "know better." because I feel worse.

Your little precious intellectual sound bites?

worthless, by themselves. Worse than worthless, when you use them to tell yourself how you are a bad person.

What matters is not what you think, but what you feel and what you do. And that has to do with what you really believe. Which is not what you think.

"well Isaac" you say, "why don't you get off your whining ass and do something to change your belief and feelings about this, rather than just complain about it."

Slap to the face. first for being dickish. Second because this is what I am doing, right now: it just so happens that writing is a pretty good way to get clear on things and process through them, if done with intent. And this blog is nothing if not a showcase of process. And occasional off-color jokes.

Well, I think I'm done for the night. Or the morning, as our weird system of am and pm would have it. I'll probably come back to this, unless I decide to rant in a different, more private journal instead.

I'll leave you with something wonderful:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe1a1wHxTyo

fuck. me. (not in the good way)

I kind of hate myself.

OK, hate isn't quite the right word. It implies a violent emotion, one which desires to destroy or hurt the object of hatred. It's more a frustration and despair.

Why:

I have ideas about who and what I should be, and should be doing, and I'm not those people and I'm not doing those things. Or anything remotely close.

I'll give some illustrative examples:

I'm not a wildly successful entrepreneur for green technologies.

I'm not a world changing activist who inspires millions to take up arms against our destructive system and plant gardens.

I'm not a spiritual bad ass who gives up everything to find a perfect master and totally trusts in God.

I'm not a normal bad ass who one pointedly devotes himself to some mastery and uses it to better the world.

These are things that I am not. And I think they are better, more important jobs than mine.

The result of that is that I feel crappy about myself.

The solution is... I don't know, but it's been suggested that I try finding a way to truly appreciate and love myself, as I am. It sounds really nice and comforting, just to think of. Easier said that done though, as old habits are hard to kill.

Also with that understanding, comes the homework of being ok doing what I'm doing, rather than trying to do what I think I'm supposed to be doing. I'm here working on a dinky little pipe cleaner stick figure, while I'm looking over at Michelangelo, thinking I should be practicing making marble statues and shitting on myself for not doing so.

I have to start from where I am, and do what I'm capable of doing. maybe that looks really, really unglamorous. Maybe for some classes I need to be in the special needs class, and it's hard for me, when in other classes I'm in the Advanced Placement version.

That's right, I don't universally think I'm a horrible person. There are some things I recognize are good about me. Mainly because friends have told me so (I still have a lot of trouble recognizing these things for myself.) That often just makes me more upset about my shortcomings, because I blame them for keeping me from being able to share my gifts and actually do some good for the world. I feel like a grade A cretin, for being given so much and doing so little with it. But fuck you muther (*&^er, (this is the self hate coming through), I can't do what I can't do, and if I am special ed with something, that's what I am. There will always be someone better and worse than you at anything. If you hate yourself and tell yourself your crap at it, you'll feel like shit. Maybe you'll use that to motivate yourself to get better at it. But that never worked for me, or anyone I know, so if it worked for you, let me know, because I'd be interested in that story. It would be a new one.

The other option is to look to what you have done, what you do have, give thanks, and take the next step, from where you are. And take a look at what all the parts of you make up, and live from there. Maybe I'm not good at organizing and motivating myself. I've tried to get better at it, but I just kind of suck beans. Well, I'll do my best to improve that, but maybe I should find somewhere or someone who is good at that, and do what I am good at.

Accepting reality is a relief, because you can stop arguing with it.

This is all easy to say. very very easy to say. It is a huge fucking deamon to slay though. It's a lot of emotional slogging, a lot of work and learning.

But hey, at least that's one of the things I'm good at.

;)

I go once more into the breach, into the consciousness coal mines, for another day, month, or year of backbreaking, dirty, mean labor. I'll let you know when I find some gems.

don't fail at love

I think I think to much, and act to little. Often when I was younger, I would think as an excuse for not doing something that scared me, but was probably the right thing to do. It was like a stall tactic. I certainly didn't do it consciously, but looking back, I can see how I just couldn't face the fear of failure, fear of not being good enough. Those things really scare me. what if I put in my all and it turns out I'm a nothing, untalented, stupid, forgotten within a generation or two. Squandering resources while successful people accomplish big things.

The real fear of putting in my all is that I will have a crystal clear vision of my worth reflected in my accomplishments, and if my accomplishments are mediocre then that means so am I.

And I have been convinced that I am mediocre. My attempts at relationships when I was younger proved that to me. I was a complete failure at having a romantic relationship. At even starting one. So it seems perfectly reasonable to my subconscious that I must really be a failure as a person, since i have failed at that most basic and important task of having someone of my choosing love me.

At the same time as I feel this way, irrationally and emotionally, I am aware that this thinking is only hampering whatever my potential is, and serves no positive use.

And the clarity of that understanding means I cannot do that any more. Not willingly.

I think it's likely I will continue to be timid and avoid really putting in effort. But from experiences with previous cycles of growth, it seems very likely it will be diminishing, and learning how to act directly and not get lost in mental mires, will be growing. It's exciting, very exciting, and also scary. I may have to face directly now or soon, my intense fears of being worthless and a failure. And to face those fears is to feel them, and they feel like ouchie.

U2, "it's a beautiful day", silence.