just installed google paralytics, so I can know if anyone is actually looking at this, or if I can revert to linguistically brbl-ing my lips with my finger like a cartoon character. I set it so there is no sharing of this information with anyone else. Only I will ever see it, unless google turns evil, in which case we're all screwed anyways. However, if a lot of you have script-blocker like I do, or don't like google analytics for some reason, I can switch to... I think it's called stat meter, or something. let me know, if you care.
brblbrmrmbuburbuhbrbuhbr
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Crazy-Old-Man-Zen-Master-Time
some zen koans I accidentally made up:
"Who's hand is up your ass?"
(think puppets)
"Reality is bigger than you think."
(think alternate meanings.)
"Who's hand is up your ass?"
(think puppets)
"Reality is bigger than you think."
(think alternate meanings.)
Nov 12th, update
well, here I am. Just got back from a cross country flight, from sea-tac in Seattle to the New Jersey pine barrens, to learn herbal compounding and mixing from Tom Brown jr. It was an awesome class, we learned some powerful techniques and info, and it was really really nice, to be with family again, which this group of people has become. That's because this was a series class, meaning we had met three times before already, throughout the year, doing homework in between.
I got myself a job working at the TM-Center, doing mindless pencil-pushing tasks for a day or two a week. Which is great. Something I can focus on to ground me, doesn't take up too much time, doesn't require any commute, and I even get paid a little.
Tomorrow I'm heading out to a Survival Techniques class with the Sherwoods (they run primitive skills school I'm doing) for the weekend, and from that going directly to a nearby beach for monday and tuesday to learn clamming, archery practice, and maybe making a bow and arrow hand-guard.
I'm a bit behind: I still need to go out and buy a few odd and ends for the trip, pack, finish my pencil pushing, and do laundry (which I really, really need to do. There's no laundry machine in the house though, so I have to go out to a coin laundromat down the street.)
So feeling a bit worried, as is my habit before almost all trips. This last trip though, I didn't feel that worried. Perhaps I am finally, finally seeing the other side of this deep seated fear. Fear of forgetting, something, I think. Linked with my general fear of doing something wrong. Of wrongness in general.
I remember, back in the first two years of collage, when I was really going at the spiritual enlightenment thing as hard and fast as I could, I would get these intense feelings of wrongness. Like my heart was just screaming at me that something was wrong, that I was doing something wrong. And it would really bother me, because I could never figure out what is was, that was wrong. I think it may have been a slightly bad interpretation on my part. I don't think it was so much that my heart was telling me I was doing something wrong, but it was trying to tell me something, period, and I wasn't able to listen, didn't know how.
I'm still not really sure what to do with those "chest bursters" as I call them, but now when I feel them, I just give myself some time to pay attention to them, and try to listen, understand what they want to communicate. What I want to communicate, to myself. right (or whole) brain to left brain.
Last night I had one, and eventual got that it was answering a question I had, about my sadness at not being as strongly disciplined and persevering as I would like. The reason I am that way is that I get discouraged, because my efforts don't seem well linked to my results, in the short run. I practice something, and I see myself getting better, quickly, and then it slows and maybe even stops, and I get upset and worry that I'm just wasting my time doing something that's not actually going to get me anywhere, make me any better at whatever it is I'm doing. Music, creating, writing, exercise.
Now I've got to ask the question of how to heal that.
Ok, done (for now)
I got myself a job working at the TM-Center, doing mindless pencil-pushing tasks for a day or two a week. Which is great. Something I can focus on to ground me, doesn't take up too much time, doesn't require any commute, and I even get paid a little.
Tomorrow I'm heading out to a Survival Techniques class with the Sherwoods (they run primitive skills school I'm doing) for the weekend, and from that going directly to a nearby beach for monday and tuesday to learn clamming, archery practice, and maybe making a bow and arrow hand-guard.
I'm a bit behind: I still need to go out and buy a few odd and ends for the trip, pack, finish my pencil pushing, and do laundry (which I really, really need to do. There's no laundry machine in the house though, so I have to go out to a coin laundromat down the street.)
So feeling a bit worried, as is my habit before almost all trips. This last trip though, I didn't feel that worried. Perhaps I am finally, finally seeing the other side of this deep seated fear. Fear of forgetting, something, I think. Linked with my general fear of doing something wrong. Of wrongness in general.
I remember, back in the first two years of collage, when I was really going at the spiritual enlightenment thing as hard and fast as I could, I would get these intense feelings of wrongness. Like my heart was just screaming at me that something was wrong, that I was doing something wrong. And it would really bother me, because I could never figure out what is was, that was wrong. I think it may have been a slightly bad interpretation on my part. I don't think it was so much that my heart was telling me I was doing something wrong, but it was trying to tell me something, period, and I wasn't able to listen, didn't know how.
I'm still not really sure what to do with those "chest bursters" as I call them, but now when I feel them, I just give myself some time to pay attention to them, and try to listen, understand what they want to communicate. What I want to communicate, to myself. right (or whole) brain to left brain.
Last night I had one, and eventual got that it was answering a question I had, about my sadness at not being as strongly disciplined and persevering as I would like. The reason I am that way is that I get discouraged, because my efforts don't seem well linked to my results, in the short run. I practice something, and I see myself getting better, quickly, and then it slows and maybe even stops, and I get upset and worry that I'm just wasting my time doing something that's not actually going to get me anywhere, make me any better at whatever it is I'm doing. Music, creating, writing, exercise.
Now I've got to ask the question of how to heal that.
Ok, done (for now)
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
November 3rd
I'm not sure what else to call it. I'm feeling quite homesick, and I want to connect with friends. So I'm going to chat now with whoever is listening.
I leave for New Jersey this thursday for my final herbal mixtures and compounding class. It's a fuck-load of travel for two days of instruction. Yes. But I'm doing it on principle: that is, the principle of free. This last class wasn't scheduled, it was a make up of sorts, because during our first class, Tom almost died. Literally. So he was in the hospital and we were being taught by his other instructors. It was fine, but Tom felt like giving us another class.
I'm quite fed up with traveling. Especially being in a city. I just want to drive seven fucking minutes and meet a friend for dinner and/or a walk, like I used to back in Fairfield. But I can't. I've go a friend thirty minutes away, and another an hour and a half. Everything is driving. The only thing I can do quickly is surf the internet, watch movies, read, and play music. walks are nice. Walks are very nice. I should go on a walk. Except it's dark now, so I can't go to the park. not that it's dangerous, it's just unlit, and it's a horse park, so the chances of me stepping in horse shit are almost 100%.
But I'll probably go for a walk anyways. It's necessary, right now. I think the bottom line is I am a people person. Despite my sometimes reclusive tendencies, it's not that I don't like people, it's just that I like personal time, to introspect and stuff.
I suppose if I want to hang out with friends, I can do that. Just like with everything in my life, it's not that complicated: do it, or don't do it. It's always that simple. Well, there is the additional factor of doing it and failing, but so what. If you do it enough, eventually you won't fail, and what else are you going to do?
The earthwalk school is good. Very good. It is teaching me the things I wanted to know.
Still I often hear the echo in my mind, "why are you doing this?" by which it means, why are you living out in Seattle, away from your friends, your home, your heart. Life is short, so why spend it unhappy and lonely?
I do have my reasons. No, I don't actually want to live as a recluse, but the knowledge I've got is so important, so many people are missing it and it fills their lives with a wounded emptiness, like someone cut out their heat long ago, and there is a horrible pain and fear and deadness that people have just accepted as normal, but it's not.
What I know needs to be mixed with experience so it can become wisdom and I can teach it well. Not that I see it as a job, but I people want it, and I have it, at least a little.
If, or when, I fight past the majority of my inner demons keeping me from living a full life, my joy in doing these nature skills will mean I do them on my own. Until then, this is nessisary.
It's insane, totally insane, that I am not doing the things that bring me the most joy in my life.
My reason is simple: doing what I love is more difficult. Much more difficult than distracting myself and wasting time.
Question to the universe: where do I find the streangth to live my love, despite the difficulty?
answer: what your doing right now.
sigh. it's the best answer you could get, but it does mean it's going to take time.
we all start from where we are, not from where our role models are, not from where we wish we were not from where we want to be.
we start from where we are, here, now, and the only perfection I can imagine finding in this ever-growing world is the clarity to see that this now is enough forever. If you can rest here, if I can rest here, in appreciation of what is, then that is the end of the search, the quest, the purpose of life. And when that happens, there will still be eternity, growing.
Both, not one or the other.
I leave for New Jersey this thursday for my final herbal mixtures and compounding class. It's a fuck-load of travel for two days of instruction. Yes. But I'm doing it on principle: that is, the principle of free. This last class wasn't scheduled, it was a make up of sorts, because during our first class, Tom almost died. Literally. So he was in the hospital and we were being taught by his other instructors. It was fine, but Tom felt like giving us another class.
I'm quite fed up with traveling. Especially being in a city. I just want to drive seven fucking minutes and meet a friend for dinner and/or a walk, like I used to back in Fairfield. But I can't. I've go a friend thirty minutes away, and another an hour and a half. Everything is driving. The only thing I can do quickly is surf the internet, watch movies, read, and play music. walks are nice. Walks are very nice. I should go on a walk. Except it's dark now, so I can't go to the park. not that it's dangerous, it's just unlit, and it's a horse park, so the chances of me stepping in horse shit are almost 100%.
But I'll probably go for a walk anyways. It's necessary, right now. I think the bottom line is I am a people person. Despite my sometimes reclusive tendencies, it's not that I don't like people, it's just that I like personal time, to introspect and stuff.
I suppose if I want to hang out with friends, I can do that. Just like with everything in my life, it's not that complicated: do it, or don't do it. It's always that simple. Well, there is the additional factor of doing it and failing, but so what. If you do it enough, eventually you won't fail, and what else are you going to do?
The earthwalk school is good. Very good. It is teaching me the things I wanted to know.
Still I often hear the echo in my mind, "why are you doing this?" by which it means, why are you living out in Seattle, away from your friends, your home, your heart. Life is short, so why spend it unhappy and lonely?
I do have my reasons. No, I don't actually want to live as a recluse, but the knowledge I've got is so important, so many people are missing it and it fills their lives with a wounded emptiness, like someone cut out their heat long ago, and there is a horrible pain and fear and deadness that people have just accepted as normal, but it's not.
What I know needs to be mixed with experience so it can become wisdom and I can teach it well. Not that I see it as a job, but I people want it, and I have it, at least a little.
If, or when, I fight past the majority of my inner demons keeping me from living a full life, my joy in doing these nature skills will mean I do them on my own. Until then, this is nessisary.
It's insane, totally insane, that I am not doing the things that bring me the most joy in my life.
My reason is simple: doing what I love is more difficult. Much more difficult than distracting myself and wasting time.
Question to the universe: where do I find the streangth to live my love, despite the difficulty?
answer: what your doing right now.
sigh. it's the best answer you could get, but it does mean it's going to take time.
we all start from where we are, not from where our role models are, not from where we wish we were not from where we want to be.
we start from where we are, here, now, and the only perfection I can imagine finding in this ever-growing world is the clarity to see that this now is enough forever. If you can rest here, if I can rest here, in appreciation of what is, then that is the end of the search, the quest, the purpose of life. And when that happens, there will still be eternity, growing.
Both, not one or the other.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
will I make it in time?
home internet crapped out. sitting in my car in front of a "free wireless" coffee shop, and my battery may or may not be at... 20%
It's impossible to shake the feeling of gratitude I've been feeling lately. Literally impossible. and that must be because, like all things that are unshakable, it is because it has always been there, and I am simply becoming aware of it.
for many years I was seeking enlightenment, and I kept having nice experiences, and going, "holy shit! I just want that to stay, and that's fucking enlightenment! Permanent super-happy consciousness. But listen people, that's not how it works. You don't get to keep the super happy experiences forever. They are experiences, and the all come and go. That which is abiding, that which will not go away, is that which is already here.
This gratitude thing is bigger than me. Literally, it feels like isaac is a teeny little speck, floating on this immense whitewater river of grati-
(and that's when the computer went into standby. This never got sent, for... about a month. wrote it back in October. well, here it is. there are a few more like this. Perhaps I'll space them out, until or unless I write something new.)
It's impossible to shake the feeling of gratitude I've been feeling lately. Literally impossible. and that must be because, like all things that are unshakable, it is because it has always been there, and I am simply becoming aware of it.
for many years I was seeking enlightenment, and I kept having nice experiences, and going, "holy shit! I just want that to stay, and that's fucking enlightenment! Permanent super-happy consciousness. But listen people, that's not how it works. You don't get to keep the super happy experiences forever. They are experiences, and the all come and go. That which is abiding, that which will not go away, is that which is already here.
This gratitude thing is bigger than me. Literally, it feels like isaac is a teeny little speck, floating on this immense whitewater river of grati-
(and that's when the computer went into standby. This never got sent, for... about a month. wrote it back in October. well, here it is. there are a few more like this. Perhaps I'll space them out, until or unless I write something new.)
Sunday, October 25, 2009
october 25th
switched from 49% to 51%: surrender (vs. control)
watched flight of the concords, disk one
reinin shook's birthday
mom found tat tvam asi
made my living will
got two job offers, unasked
life marker number 3.
(#1: I must find ultimate truth.
#2: ...is that it? yes. that's it.
(#3: letting go of the mind.))
not too shabby for a sunday.
disclaimer: all dividing lines are conceptual and merely serve educational and organizational purposes. When you're telling a story you need a beginning middle and end, but life keeps going and never started. Evolution happens in space-time, and sudden shifts are generally like walking for several hours and suddenly looking back and realizing you've gone a long ways. The journey is always done one step at a time. But it's the turning around and realizing it's breathtaking view now, that brings the fulfillment and the the satisfaction of knowing that yes, you are moving.
bed.
watched flight of the concords, disk one
reinin shook's birthday
mom found tat tvam asi
made my living will
got two job offers, unasked
life marker number 3.
(#1: I must find ultimate truth.
#2: ...is that it? yes. that's it.
(#3: letting go of the mind.))
not too shabby for a sunday.
disclaimer: all dividing lines are conceptual and merely serve educational and organizational purposes. When you're telling a story you need a beginning middle and end, but life keeps going and never started. Evolution happens in space-time, and sudden shifts are generally like walking for several hours and suddenly looking back and realizing you've gone a long ways. The journey is always done one step at a time. But it's the turning around and realizing it's breathtaking view now, that brings the fulfillment and the the satisfaction of knowing that yes, you are moving.
bed.
Monday, October 19, 2009
carrots and destinations: where am I going?
sometimes I wonder if I've got it all wrong:
I think that life is good, but it needs to be great. I still want something better than I have. Younger, I would have exalted spiritual experiences and desire to repeat those beautiful blissful encounters would drive me mercilessly to all kinds of weird behaviours, attemting to get back to that lost grace.
But perhaps those glimpses, those accidental enlightenments, were not forerunners of what was to come, but shrewdly places incentives, designed to get me exactly where I something wanted me to go. The carrot of the carrot and stick dichotomy. It's just as cruel as the stick, frankly, if you never give the person the satisfaction of having the carrot. And even if I do get the carrot, that's not the point. the point is that, by moving towards the carrot, I have been moving somewhere, step by step, searching for carrot and getting only fatigue. Then, the driven stops, I munch on a carrot while they rest and get there bearings, and then when I'm hungry again we keep on going.
what I'm trying to say, is that maybe I am being manipulated, by me, by god, by reptile aliens, I don't know, and what I think is the goal is not actually the goal. In which case, unless it is me directing this, or someone with my best interests at heart, I should figure out where this carrot is leading me.
I think that life is good, but it needs to be great. I still want something better than I have. Younger, I would have exalted spiritual experiences and desire to repeat those beautiful blissful encounters would drive me mercilessly to all kinds of weird behaviours, attemting to get back to that lost grace.
But perhaps those glimpses, those accidental enlightenments, were not forerunners of what was to come, but shrewdly places incentives, designed to get me exactly where I something wanted me to go. The carrot of the carrot and stick dichotomy. It's just as cruel as the stick, frankly, if you never give the person the satisfaction of having the carrot. And even if I do get the carrot, that's not the point. the point is that, by moving towards the carrot, I have been moving somewhere, step by step, searching for carrot and getting only fatigue. Then, the driven stops, I munch on a carrot while they rest and get there bearings, and then when I'm hungry again we keep on going.
what I'm trying to say, is that maybe I am being manipulated, by me, by god, by reptile aliens, I don't know, and what I think is the goal is not actually the goal. In which case, unless it is me directing this, or someone with my best interests at heart, I should figure out where this carrot is leading me.
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