here, now, in time and space

I am here, now, in space and time, because of the same thing that made Neo stay up all night, searching the internet. Something is wrong. Something is wrong with my world. I can't place my finger on it, like an itch inside my head, it maddens me with it's very unscratchability.

translated: with my inability to pinpoint what it is that is wrong.

I am emotionally, spiritually constipated. as are we all, or most. Probably mentally constipated too. I'm trying to eat more roughage, maybe take a laxative.

translated: I'm trying to learn how to process emotions, thoughts and beliefs.

For example, right now, the belief that something is wrong. There is only one possible reason I feel that something is wrong: there is some part of reality, concrete or abstract, that I believe should be different than it is.

Now, can I ever, ever know that?

We take for granted our "practical knowledge." :

"yes yes" you say, "of course we can't know anything absolutely, but for all practical intents and purposes, this seems to be how the world works."

to that I say, bs. Much of our "practical knowledge" is not in the slightest bit practical.

Here I sit, a twisted, pitiful creature. Like Gollum. Corrupted by the Ring. What is the ring?

The ring is Power.

The ring is Control.

We want to control our world. we want to make it other than it is. we are forming our own personal war on God. Re-enacting that old biblical, or semi-biblical story of satan rebelling against God. Like all good stories, the relevance is to our own story, our internal world.

when I try to change the world, change myself, I suffer immensely. I'm terrified of accepting the world, myself, in a way that would end this fearful striving to make the world different than it is.

The "rational" voice might say (it certainly does within me) that we are simply taking into account our future. We need to plan for that, and we do have an effect on it, and it's outcome.

But that is weasel talk and bad logic. The problem is the belief that something is wrong with right now. We pretend that we are punishing ourselves for our bad behaviour in order to make our behaviour better, but that is an illogical act.

Nature will give you the fruits of your action. You don't need to play nature's part and try to give yourself what you think you deserve. Nature is much kinder about it too. There's never any judgment in the way the universe works. You get what you pay for, you reap what you sow.

God doesn't prevent you from doing anything, He(/She) lets you do what you decide to do, and lets you get the result of that action. If you don't like the result, you can stop.

I have an objection to that:

What about addictions? Often I feel compelled to do something, not because it's particularly pleasant, but because not doing it is either particularly unpleasant, or thought to be unpleasant (though sometimes it's actually fine, when you actually find yourself in the situation you thought was going to be unbearable)

It is said that we, as humans, have the ultimate gift of free will. Is that true?

what does my experience say?

It says:

on the level of the observer, there is no action, and so there is no free will. There is nothing that is done, or not done. No action means no choice of which action to do. It is action-less, except for the primal action of being aware, or something a step simpler than that.

on a slightly further out layer, there is control over what you have your attention on. You may not be able to control your environment very much, or what thoughts you have, but what you put your attention on is to a large extent under your power.

however, as soon as you have free will, you have control. people can manipulate your thoughts, and even your attention. Think of a baby, being distracted from something a parent doesn't want him/her to be doing: maybe they wave a rattle, or pick them up and play with them. Maybe later on in life, you have a flashing billboard, offers of money, boobs, promises of peace and happiness.

Maybe someone just lies to you to get you to behave a certain way. Maybe they threaten you. Maybe they make you feel responsible, maybe they praise you, maybe they beg you.

Wherever there is freedom of choice, there is a whole sea of currents, pushing and pulling us. Environmental factors, mental conditioning factors, desire factors, avoidance factors.

Often, I feel powerless. I look at my actions and see a man, a boy, dominated by fears, hopes, and beliefs. I try and avoid pain and seek out pleasure. I do it my own way, not necessarily the most efficient way. But as humans do, I have the ability for self reflection. I can look at my processes and figure out how effective they are, and if they serve me well.

Lets look at feeling powerless: what is the effect of that: I get depressed. I become frightened of other peoples judgment, I withdraw into myself. This is not a useful happiness strategy. maybe there's some reason for it. I try to find a good reason for it. ... I find none. Only painful reasons.

Now the difficulty is that we are not machines, that can just replace a few lines of code with a more efficient algorithm.

I've been spending years trying to figure out how to properly do this. I've read various books, describing various methods. I've yet to find a way that is truly efficient. All my efforts feel like a lot of flailing around, for a little progress. Though that has been improving, as of late.

However, a big factor that slows this down significantly is the programming it's self. There are parts of me that don't want to do this de-programming.

why?

because, as I said before, we are not machines. Our programming language is emotion, and that means you FEEL things. Everything you are trying to reprogram is read in the form of feeling things, and then re-written.

Most people spend there whole life avoiding feeling the parts of them that are the most scary. Fuck, I've been doing this for several years now, and I still avoid my feelings like hell.

But not all the time.

And the little time I manage to not run away, is when I manage to do some de-programming. And so, even with the little I've done, fighting my own bad programming (I think it would be akin, in this analogy, to having a metric fuck-ton of spam-ware on your computer, making it run super slowly and keep crashing when you try to run spam-ware cleanup programs, thus making the work slow and tedious.)

One final word of advice, from personal experience: if you decide to try your hand at reprogramming your code, and think, "well, I'll just go super hard core on that, push through any resistances, and be done with it." You are going to have trouble. Don't loose sight of the reason you are doing the work in the first place: your happiness. Or contentment, peace, fulfilment, whatever word you feel like using. The point being: keep yourself as happy as you reasonably can. If you are going through some emotionally draining work, be nice to yourself. eat good food, get some rest, hang out with friends, take a walk in nature, laugh.

Why? We are not robots. We work via feelings, we are squishy, organic beings, and we need cycles of rest along with our activity, or we will get burnt out. If you lift weights too much, you won't be getting stronger, you'll be hurting yourself and getting weaker. I've seen too many people try and go balls-to-the-wall with this spiritual stuff and end up burning out.

here is a quote that sums this all up: "start early, drive slowly, arrive safely."

I'll say it yet another way: there is an ideal speed to be going, with this stuff, and it is not too fast, not too slow. Both too fast and too slow, will get you there slower than a balanced speed.

All this really translates into, is that one of the factors to take into account when you are trying to do everything right (which I have been a complete failure at, but I keep trying) is the factor of your comfort.

Dual Forces

there is the voice that wants me to do the right thing.

then, there is the voice that criticizes me for not being good enough.

these are two separate processes, but they have intermingled like some kind of unholy redneck marriage, and the result is that when I try to do better I end up criticising myself and feeling awful. It's approximately like that guy from clockwork orange, where he's been conditioned to feel really bad whenever he tries to do violence or listen to Beethoven's 9th symphony.

Not actually connected, but conditioned. And something that needs to be dealt with, if I want to achieve and not feel like a fuckwit.

Because these two forces are in fact in opposition, though they at first glance seem aligned. The voice that is constantly criticizing saps my will to act, since there is the unconscious knowledge that no matter what I do, it won't be good enough for the inner critic.

The inner critic isn't bad, I think, but out of balance.

maybe there's more to the whole story. I'm sure there must be, or this problem would have been resolved already.

oh yeah, surrender. it's never where you thought it would be; the solution. It's tricky because it's not a thought. So the mind keeps running in circles, looking for an answer that is not within it's ken. at least now I have a little reminder tag that says to the mind, "stop looking: the answer is not accessible by you. Allow the larger, tectonic force to move you gently to the actual solution."

broken

spell-check on blogger is broken. so I may not be spelling well in the next few posts. My webcam is broken. my cousin just smashed into something and some part of his body is now broken. the screen door out to the balcony I'm typing on is broken. The sound system piped throughout the house sounds like a record at the end of it's track. It is broken too.

My heart is not broken. My heart does not break. My heart is made of rubber, not porcelan. My heart is made of meat, of muscle. It tears and brusies and rips. but it heals. It bends. Hearts are not weak things. They, like people, are indestructible. They bend. they may even snap, but they keep functioning, to whatever capacity they can maintain.

My heart has hurt a lot, for long periods of time, and deeply. and it's all forgotten. It mine as well be a story about a friend of a friend someone's neighbor told me. It's a good story. It makes a good book. It makes a good life.

I've done some things I'm proud of. I've never stopped loving anyone I have ever loved. I still love my first puppy-dog crush. I see no reason to stop anymore. I used to think I shouldn't love. That really hurt.

I used to think other people should love me like I loved them. That hurt a lot too. I used to think other people hurting or feeling uncomfortable wasn't ok. That also hurt.

I

I'm harsh to my mom. It's a sad thing. I'm not harsh to anyone else almost. It's even hard to appologize when I say something hurtful, and realize what I've done. for some reason, with her I feel embaressed to admit it.

There is almost nothing that embareses me enought to do something out of integrity, but that does.

----

I want a page break here.

the sea at night is deep blue and soft. the sound of waves on the rocks below is soothing. I want to fuck a hot girl. I want it like I want comfort food or a nice laptop. I feel a lack or a hole and I want to not feel that. I think that maybe sex will do it, despite the fact that I know it won't. The only difference is I don't have a memory of having sex and what it was like afterwards, to remind me that it really didn't fill that hole. But I don't need it. I know the answer to this question, and if I can trust that, I can save myself time and energy.

however, I do think I should try to have a relationship. because I'm scared of it, because I don't know if I want it or not, because I don't know what it is, first hand, at all. I have mastrubation to extrapolate straight up sex. But I don't have any experience that can give me an idea of what a real romantic relationship is like. I want to. It's scary and exciting. I like adventure.

I can live an adventure, easily. I only need to keep reminding myself of one thing: the adventure is lived starting NOW. Not later.

Ok, I guess there's a second thing I need to remember, which is adventure doesn't have to look like anything in perticular. Adventure is an eye, not a thing seen. It is a hand, a way of walking, and not what you are doing or the place you are going. That takes care of itself.

hmm. I think that was a bunch of bullshit. I don't know what I'm talking about... no, I know a little of what I'm talking about. I know about the eye of adventure, and the walk of the traveler. but I am still timid to go that way, blazing my own trail, alone.

alone, alone alone. the name of the blog. the name of my heart. the deeper I accept that, the more I love. strangly.

I am what I am, and the more comfortable I am with that, the less afraid I am to look at it, and the more I look at it, the more I love it. In this case "what I am" constitutes everything I experience, know, and do.

what do I do? I seem to have choice and power to create my universe, my life. I seem to have to power to direct things. I seem to be only watching a pre-scripted play, either enjoying it or boo-ing it.

what's going on with me right now? what else is importaint?

It's newyears. ten minutes till the calenders flip to 2010 here in mountain time. It's a full moon, right overhead. Shimmering pool at night. Full of love. I do not know anything. I am much wiser than I ever was. I am much happier being me. I am quiet. anti-social sometimes. I am kind and loving, easygoing and silent. hilarious and timid. I lean back in my throne, the pool chair, and make dreams with the cloud scapes and the stars and the moon. it's newyears. drink a sip of really bad shampagne. sing badly.

fireworks from the hot tub (small dinky ones. beautiful.) good music. distant cheers. reflections in the dark window of the burning colored explosions.

bigger fireworks now, louder. Now some flashing lights approaching the place in the beach where the fireworks were coming from, I guess illegaly. Hope the cops let the firework benifactors off easy. they were a nice touch to the night.

there are so many amazing stories I am not living. but that must not be my concern. How should I live? I feel like I get close to the answer when I sit and stare in silence until the world starts to melt.

In that vulnerability of doing notihing my heart is tender, ungaurded. it quivvers in fear and excitment as it slowly, apprehensivly reaches out a hand to touch the most intimate place of universe.

there's only one way this could be more tender, ungaurded and loving, and that is to be doing this in the midst of every day activity.

I love you, whoever is reading this, and I love what you think of as your faults as much as the rest of you. because i don't see them as faults. They are what make you you. I love that. I know this is true for you because it is true for me, and loving myself is the most difficult person to love. He's the only person I treat worse than my mom.

why am I kind to people? I think it really is because I am happy inside. and when i get angry at them, I'm getting angry at myself. they just remind me of parts of me I don't like, and it makes me sad, that I'm not better.

people treat others how they treat themselfs. especialy when they're treating others badly, you get a view of what they do to themselfs, inside.

the moon says it better than me, look;

fuck

my definition for ten years has been the seeker. I have been after something ultimate, something lasting, something some Indian dude called enlightenment and a million other names. I tried hard for it, because it promised a release from the suffering and insufficiency that was my life. I was lonely most of the time, depressed, full of self loathing, and incapable of carrying on a conversation with a girl I was attracted too. And some dude with a good beard said to meditate and realize God and I'd be blissed out and successful in action.

frankly, he wasn't lying. But my interpretation was a little too simplistic to be real, and if anything the things to quibble over are degree, not quality. Perhaps some of that just came with growing up. That's what my grampa implied, when I was trying to explain to him why I was so into meditation.

It's not true though. I just look at people, try to have a conversation with them and there is a huge gap in communication, with most people. They have no fucking idea what I am talking about. I've spent ten years going in, facing demons, willing to do whatever unsavory thing was necessary to find what is true, and deliver myself from the collective insanity we are infected with and indoctrinated with, seemingly from birth.

I'm being a bit hard on ignorance. It's not all that bad. But if you want to get out of it, disdain is a useful motivation. i don't feel like I'm out of it, but I've been moving out of it for a long time, with everything I've got. It felt like one of those bad dreams where you couldn't move quickly, where you were running through molasses, but every few years I'd look back and be stunned and how much confusion and constriction I had wriggled out of. and how much yet lies in front of me.

It is difficult work. School is easy in comparison. In school you are given a specific task. You are given criteria for success, you are given frequent evaluations, you are given information sources to use. You are told exactly what to expect. If the motivation is there to succeed, you can.

This journey into spirit, into reality, is not like that at all. There are maps, sure, but there are a million different maps, all giving different directions. And they all have different sounding objectives. And the criteria for success is variable and vague, if present at all. Imagine a classroom where a bunch of kids milled around in a room for a few days, with no purpose at all, and then a whole group of teachers came in, started talking at the same time, each giving different course assignments, contradicting other teachers, denouncing other assignments aside from theirs, gave only cryptic remarks about the grading criteria, and totally misleading information sources.

Does that instill confidence in the students? ah fuck it. this analogy sucks.

I'll just say this: if you don't have a strong motivation for school, you can still scrape by. If you don't have a strong motivation for spiritual growth, you are fucked.


The process seems to have subtly reversed. whereas I was once wriggling out of ignorance, now, I've reached the edge, found there is nothing beyond, and started wriggling back in towards the center, devouring it as I go so I have room to breath. There is no getting out of illusion. Illusion is the world. It is the point. It is a dream, a game. If it ends, there's nothing, or there's another dream, or game. which would you prefer? The trick is learning to be in the world but not of it. Like an actor who has forgotten he is just an actor, and is having a miserable time in the tragedy he's doing. When he remembers he's just an actor, doing what he loves most, then the play is enjoyed. It's still a play. He's still in it. But at least try to have fun with it. But how to do that, honestly (i.e. not just pretending)?

want it.
ask for it.
take the step that's in front of you.
then, take the next step that's in front of you.

as a fellow traveler, and this is not necessary information, but it is comforting information: it is possible. The freedom and joy you are looking for. It is possible. If you keep moving towards it, you will live it, eventually, and step by step. It won't look like you think it is. But it will be what you want.

what time is it?

I often find myself asking that question, as of late.

Not at all related to the time that a clock would say if I looked at it.
Not related to anything, consciously.
It's like a nervous tick, like saying "now where was I?" as someone wanders about the house, aimlessly.

Though I do sometimes expect an answer, something revelatory and unexpected, like: "It's Now," "A hair past a freckle," or "Naikkie Time!"
but mainly, the answer that I always give, if I give myself an answer is something along the lines of
"Time to die."

though not always in words, sometimes just a subtle feeling of that meaning.

This has been going on for a while. at least a month and a half. I've been carrying my will around in my pocket. I've been trying to understand, viscerally, my death. It was very useful, contemplating what I would write, in my will. It made me think of death, think of what was truly important in my life.

: your going to die. so, what really matters? what will you regret not having done? what parts of your life will you look back and consider wasted, trivial? what parts will make you able to die without regrets?

People who have serious near death experiences often have, for a short time, a new found appreciation for life. "I love the fact of my death; it has made my life possible" is a quote I find apt.

I'll tell you what I discovered, looking at my death: I love the world. I love life, and I would be sad to leave it, because I want to love it more. If there is one regret in my life it is the love I have not given.

that's it.

it's a very short will. Just a about a half a page. getting pretty beaten up, now.

here's the thing: I don't even know how to give the love, express the gratitude, that I want to.

HAH!

Ok, here's why: because I'm trying.
and, as Stalking Wolf would say, the act of trying negates itself.
It's sad to say for my ego, my little needy mind with its long, thin grasping fingers and beady little eyes has been a complete failure at accomplishing anything I ever wanted it too. It just doesn't do the job.
However, there is a different configuration of mind, one that is bigger, harder to pin down, not worried, relaxed, that does things very, very well. I can't control it, but what it does, it does well.

So, when my epic fail mind tries to express gratitude, it fails. This is the way most people function.
But when my Bigger mind is allowed to be, it flows love and gratitude just fine.

Frankly, it looks like all that was wrong was a thought that kept saying, "no, you can't express gratitude, you can't love things enough!" And the associated emotional knot, the root-stock of the thought.

Some variation of this is the answer to all problems I've ever had. And, along with the often intensive and time consuming work of releasing the emotional knot, it actually, amazingly, results in life-long change. That is, to whatever extent I honestly deal with that issue, it's got that much less emotional charge, forever.

And that's why this journey is my life, my obsession: because I like being free. distracting yourself, any of the million subtle or obvious ways we do, from this process, or from the pain which is the locater beacon of where to start this process, will result in temporary alleviation from the pain, but it will keep coming back, as strong as before or stronger, until the day you die.

The extent this journey is taken is the extent to which we are free, alive, and fulfilled. Each person's journey is highly personal. And the stage of the journey I am at right now is that of becoming aware of forward movement on the path, and how it happens. Some things seem to bring progress, some things seem to bring stagnation. Getting clear on which is which seems like a good idea. As this process become clearer, it becomes quicker, which means less time necessary for dealing with the locater beacons: suffering. which means, a happier life.

is this true? find out for yourself. there is no other way. nor need there be. everything on my path has eventually proved self-validating. Though I have been supported and helped tremendously, all along the path. You can always expect help from nature on this path. that is something I've come to rely on, because it has never let me down, nor anyone I know. Sometimes it puts you through hell first, though.

the begining of the new journey

I think the best way I could describe what some people called my 'awakening experience' three years ago is:
The beginning of the New Journey.

I do not know what it was in relation to all the various descriptors of progressing spiritual evolution. From various traditions. It only half-fits any of them. But from that point on, I have been walking half of a new path, searching for the other half.

Or you could say, walking the same path, in a new way.

many things changed with that, changed profoundly and for good. Some immediately, some gradually, as the initial shock wave reverberated throughout my psyche and my life.

And many things did not change. As I said, it feels like I walk half a path. If I was living in hell before, this is purgatory, journeying towards heaven.

It's lonely here, thus the title of the blog. The loneliness being unnecessary, but the distinct aloneness inescapable. No road, no map, no teacher, but my heart, my heart, my heart.

If I were to try to cram this into the description of "higher states of consciousness" that I am most familiar with, Maharishi's model, I would have to say that his description of Cosmic Consciousness to God Consciousness to Unity Consciousness, is not sequential but more simultaneous. Like the limbs of a baby growing. And even those limbs are external to something primary and indescribable by me, being in the midst of it and without perspective at the moment.

The one consolation I have from all this frightening uncertainty is that I know I am not making this up: this is not like anything I had imagined. This is not in anybody's maps. Though certainly many of the descriptions that other people gave and give of there journeys, are familiar. At least for now, more and more, where I'm going is becoming less and less known. No words I've heard prepare me for my next step.

I go into mystery. naked and alone, clutching my arms and shivering.

Nobody would do this unless they realized there was no other option, then nobody wouldn't.



and I would call my recent understanding of surrender, the beginning of finding the missing half. It's interesting, the only important ends I find are always beginnings. And mostly it's just cycles: up and down, clarity and confusion, happiness and depression. It seems useless to try and stop that wheel, demanding only the upstroke of the cycle. I don't spin that wheel, I can't stop it. My control is always indirect. I seek truth, I follow my heart, I surrender, and things improve. I try to control, and things deteriorate.

why wouldn't you surrender if you saw clearly that non-surrender accomplished nothing, and surrender accomplished everything?

Answer: because 'you' aren't in control of surrendering or not.

Don't act as if you have no control though. Your effort is extremely important on this path, though why and how, I do not comprehend. Grind your teeth and put in every ounce of yourself that you can into this, and pray passionately for the desire for realization that will drive you to put forth the effort necessary.

This sounds ballsy and manly, but it's not, in practice. Often what is required is not pushing yourself to extremes, but maintaining balance, and being honest.

bah. why listen to me? just a fellow traveler.

Nov 12th, update

well, here I am. Just got back from a cross country flight, from sea-tac in Seattle to the New Jersey pine barrens, to learn herbal compounding and mixing from Tom Brown jr. It was an awesome class, we learned some powerful techniques and info, and it was really really nice, to be with family again, which this group of people has become. That's because this was a series class, meaning we had met three times before already, throughout the year, doing homework in between.

I got myself a job working at the TM-Center, doing mindless pencil-pushing tasks for a day or two a week. Which is great. Something I can focus on to ground me, doesn't take up too much time, doesn't require any commute, and I even get paid a little.

Tomorrow I'm heading out to a Survival Techniques class with the Sherwoods (they run primitive skills school I'm doing) for the weekend, and from that going directly to a nearby beach for monday and tuesday to learn clamming, archery practice, and maybe making a bow and arrow hand-guard.

I'm a bit behind: I still need to go out and buy a few odd and ends for the trip, pack, finish my pencil pushing, and do laundry (which I really, really need to do. There's no laundry machine in the house though, so I have to go out to a coin laundromat down the street.)

So feeling a bit worried, as is my habit before almost all trips. This last trip though, I didn't feel that worried. Perhaps I am finally, finally seeing the other side of this deep seated fear. Fear of forgetting, something, I think. Linked with my general fear of doing something wrong. Of wrongness in general.

I remember, back in the first two years of collage, when I was really going at the spiritual enlightenment thing as hard and fast as I could, I would get these intense feelings of wrongness. Like my heart was just screaming at me that something was wrong, that I was doing something wrong. And it would really bother me, because I could never figure out what is was, that was wrong. I think it may have been a slightly bad interpretation on my part. I don't think it was so much that my heart was telling me I was doing something wrong, but it was trying to tell me something, period, and I wasn't able to listen, didn't know how.

I'm still not really sure what to do with those "chest bursters" as I call them, but now when I feel them, I just give myself some time to pay attention to them, and try to listen, understand what they want to communicate. What I want to communicate, to myself. right (or whole) brain to left brain.

Last night I had one, and eventual got that it was answering a question I had, about my sadness at not being as strongly disciplined and persevering as I would like. The reason I am that way is that I get discouraged, because my efforts don't seem well linked to my results, in the short run. I practice something, and I see myself getting better, quickly, and then it slows and maybe even stops, and I get upset and worry that I'm just wasting my time doing something that's not actually going to get me anywhere, make me any better at whatever it is I'm doing. Music, creating, writing, exercise.

Now I've got to ask the question of how to heal that.

Ok, done (for now)