Feeling everything deeply

I kept (keep) running away from my pain and fear, afraid to feel it.

And THAT is what makes it horrible.

If I allow myself to accept it, feel it, it's currently an incredibly good feeling, even when it is a painful emotion.

I was afraid, of doing "it" wrong. I had such high expectations for myself, and I was terrified of failing, especialy since I was failing. Failing to be what I thought would save me from all the things I am afraid of:

I'm afraid to die, having lived a meaningless life.

I'm afraid to condemn myself to long periods of suffering.

I'm afraid of getting sick.

Afraid of living in misery.

Afraid of never finding happiness.

And so now never feels good enough, and I am so sad, for my weaknesses that make me like I am, rather than acting like the person I believe would be living a meaningful life, a joyful and healthy life, a successful life.

I am afraid that if I just let myself be ok with the moment, I won't become that person, ever, and I'll doom myself to unhappiness and failure.

Like most of our beliefs about how life works, this one was backwards.

What was truly unbearable was not staying up late or playing video games, but being afraid that I couldn't handle the consequences that brought. Fearing what I was creating so much that I refused to experience it.

It's easy to see now, how that is driving my escapism. It's lovable, like a child afraid of the dark, and understandable.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop being escapist. Have to learn to crawl first, and that means simply feeling again. realizing intense emotions, even physical ailments, are safe. safe to live in.

This is the reason that the fundamental fear of humanity is intrinsically linked to identification with a body. When you think you are a body, a mind, then you can be destroyed, fail, be hurt. And so we run away from those experiences. But true dis-identification, or non-attachment, is actually a place where, because of the awareness that you are not a body, but something unending, that's wearing a man suit and dreaming a man dream, because of that awareness (not thought or philosophy, but direct seeing/feeling) you feel safe enough to step into that experience, and live it fully.

It's paradoxical sounding, because we are used to the dis-identification born of really strong egos that are so afraid of being hurt or ended that they try to keep from feeling life. By going numb, by distracting themselves, by above all avoiding their feelings. The spiritual dis-identification is completely opposite. It's like something really tense that's been holding itself into a tight, hard lump, relaxing and flowing into all the cracks, right up against everything.

And that seems to be coming from letting myself feel what is there to be felt, now. And that feels safe because I've been doing a lot of work with this really strong and deeply held belief. A lot. There is more. I very much look forward to the time when I can post a blog entry, looking back several years, and say, "yes, life is pretty generally wonderful. All the realizations I've had, they've rooted and grown, and are permanent ways of being. And all my constrictions are released. The process is quick and automatic, if anything new comes up. Life is beautiful, deeply enjoyed, and it has been through thick and thin, for so long that I really can't see that deviating, and so I am fulfilled, and life is as I always thought it should be."

As a little kid, I really didn't know if this was possible. I thought maybe it was a fairy tail, but I chased it anyways, because it seemed like the only thing worth chasing. And after so many years of effort, I saw that it was a real live possibility. I still don't know how much time it will be, but I am confident it will come about, eventually, and that makes me deliriously happy. Like being told, eventually, I would get to become my childhood superhero. And it will not look like I think it will look. But it will be everything I wanted, and more. And it will not end.

These things, I am confident it. They are lights in the darkness of my journey, far from over. They give me hope.

Seek, and ye shall find. Knock, and it will be opened

the kingdom of heaven is within.

Scylla and Charybdis

Huuu.

a cool breeze clears the eyes
a cool breeze clears the eyes


Let us talk of sacred things.
walks in the cold night air.
I want to bath myself, in cold water.
Cold, because I want to clean my spirit, not my body.
I want to be awakened, and shudder at the touch of something intense, something that breaths life into me, that the warm, stuffy, artificially lighted building has sucked out.

I want to speak about many different things.

I don't want this blog to become something self indulgent. It already has become somewhat self-indulgent, but in the sense that it gives me a feeling of connection to friends, which I miss.

If it ever becomes self-indulgent in the way artists become egoic, that is, "look what I've made, aren't I so great" then it will be time for me to shut it down.

--

Promises. Vows. Perhaps I should restrict my computer time, and my indoor time. like a parent with a child. Except me to myself. It's not something I've done before. I wonder if I could maintain it?

One the one side (of the rock and the hard place) is being too attached and controlled by sense-desires. On the other side (the Charybdis) is loss of compassion. if you move to much away from one, the other will get you.

It's primarily an Indian wording, talking about the Senses controlling the mind, rather than the mind controlling the senses. This is like when men chase skirts, or dogs chase balls, or businesspeople chase dollars. There is some sense, that is overruling our better judgment. We just really want that cookie, even though we know it's bad for us.

My primary one, that I think of right now, is Story. I crave for endings. I crave the secret behind the mystery. I want to know how it ends. I want to see it end happily. I want to be complete. This is the force that drives you on to read a book, watch a movie, late into the night. We desperately want to know that the character (which we've associated with us.) is going to be ok. Is going to find what they've been searching for.

And that's not how it works.

That's not how it works, with any of the senses. That's not how it works, with the mind craving for the how of things.

We search for satisfaction in such small things. Sex, food, television, relationship, job, money, fame. At there best, they provide a few brief shots of fulfillment. maybe five minutes for every month of searching for them. And then it's gone. And we keep searching. I realized long ago it was a fools game, and no one who played it won. So I started looking for a game that was winnable. Enlightenment promised to be that game, and looked promising, with some good customer reviews, from a lot of spiritual big-wigs. It was the best option I could find.

And it has delivered, partially. "Partially" means it has moved me more and more in the direction of an underlying fulfilment that doesn't come and go with "things." But, it hasn't gotten rid of that aspect. Maybe I just need to meditate more, as my first dogma/system suggests. I don't think that can possibly be correct. I found the meditation my parents taught me to be extremely useful. I can't think of a more useful single thing I did than regularly practice meditation. But it's bullshit when they say that's all you need. You need YOU. You need sincerity. And eventually, you need to listen to the voice of something bigger, moving you through life, to where you need to be, to what you need to do.

The shit gets hard and scary sometimes, and you somehow need to find a way to weather through it, and if that's faith in the Lord Jesus or a personal vendetta against God, I don't think it really matters, as long as it gets you to the next step. (I think eventually you'd need to replace the "vendetta against God" motivation, once life started getting nice and you no longer hated him(her).)

There are people on the spiritual path that are spinning their wheels. All of us do, at one time or another. But there are those who have been spinning their wheels for decades, and those ruts they're creating are getting pretty deep. And that's sad. Because either they're going to die in the same place, or something drastic and probably extremely uncomfortable (though possibly really nice, depending on the karma (call it luck, if you prefer)) is going to shake them out of it.

Here is a good way to avoid really bad things happening to you: pay attention. Because nature will almost always give you relatively gentle signs that you are stuck or going the wrong direction. The scope of how often and precisely nature does this is nothing short of miraculous, though usually the vehicle looks quite mundane. Doesn't matter. Listen carefully, and nature doesn't have to get out the bat.


I don't have any more I can say, express, comprehensibly. I am dealing with surrender, though that word is a poor shadow of what I 'm dealing with. What I am feeling trying to flow through my heart is something amazing and mundane and miraculous and real, as real as your chair and the feelings you have right now.

All this stuff, that's happening to me, around enlightenment, is organic. I can't think of a really appropriate word. By organic I mean... like, fleshy. Like a body. it's very real. It has ligaments and muscles. It works a certain way, and it has certain limits, and if you want it to do something there is a specific process you go through. And it's not exact, it's sticky and one thing kind of flows into another, with only occasional clear boundaries, and even those, are pressed up right against each other.

Especially now, as I'm dealing with action. action in the world, as opposed to thinking. I'm very good at thinking, and creating in the mental realm. I'm good at listening to and telling stories. But even just me walking outside in the cold air and moving the garbage and recycling bins to the side of the street, cannot even be approximated.... well, actually, maybe they can be... huh.

but required of any writing that accurately approximates reality, is something that ties it in with a shared experience. I need to write and conjure up a memory of the readers. That's the only way you get close to reality.

But even then, we have our stories about life, and then there is life. And so many of the stories I've read, just don't describe life well. Hell, even the "true" stories, don't describe themselves well.

Because of the multi-dimensionality of living, verses verse. I told you about my trip to take out the trash. But did I tell you the colors of the recycling bin? the order I did everything? the feeling of the sticky handle? the spiritual change the cool night air brought about? The thoughts that went through my head in that short trip? I've been trying to write about them this whole post.

And I wouldn't care, except I'm trying to learn how to live, and when a story creates an image inside me, and then I try to create that image, act out that story, in the world, and it doesn't work, because real life doesn't work like I imagined it did... then I feel sad, and powerless. wisdomless, because some bit of wisdom I learned in a book, or from a mouth, refers to a fictional reality, that works differently than mine.

This is not really a problem, just a problematic approach. I'm trying, (dreamer and mind-dweller that I am) to gain an understanding of the world, from imaginary worlds. Change the approach to gaining an understanding of the world, from the world, and suddenly the teaching stories become potent tools, pointing the direction for fruitful exploratory action.

But it's really fucking scary; doing stuff, taking risks, doing something new, in the real world. Going to a strange new place, talking to people I don't know, trying to date, trying to change myself, trying be more disciplined, trying to surrender to what my heart directs.


The lesson for today is: Do not be afraid of Death.

This is the lesson because it's the answer to the internal dialog whenever you are asked to trust and act on something that frightenes you.

The Big One: Do (fill in the blank)
little me: but what if it's not right? what if something bad happens?
B1: it's the right thing
lm: but what if something I don't want happens
B1: what's the worst that could happen
lm:... Death, I guess.
B1: and what's the worst that could happen, if you don't do it.
lm: ...I guess that would also be death... I guess that could happen any way.
B1: and do you have any clue what is the right thing to do?
lm: honestly, just you.
B1: and I'm telling you to do it.
lm: I'd rather just think a bit and delay. if I do nothing, or just do what I'm comfortable with, it feels like its less likely something bad will happen.
B1: like death.
lm: yeah, if you take it back far enough.
B1: Don't fear death. fear never living. as you are doing right now, every second you delay doing what your heart knows is right. Maybe you will die. But at least you will be closer to having lived. And nature, God, will protect those, who give themselves to him(her). To Me. To You.

That's surrender. I'm not good at it. I'm afraid. I'm a slow learner. I'm good at weaseling out of facing it. But I'm not giving up. Because, frankly, it's the only game in town, for me. Compared to this, there is nothing worth doing, in my world. (I say, "compared" because everything is worth doing. But this is a whole different caliber, dimension, level, of "worth doing.")

Dual Forces

there is the voice that wants me to do the right thing.

then, there is the voice that criticizes me for not being good enough.

these are two separate processes, but they have intermingled like some kind of unholy redneck marriage, and the result is that when I try to do better I end up criticising myself and feeling awful. It's approximately like that guy from clockwork orange, where he's been conditioned to feel really bad whenever he tries to do violence or listen to Beethoven's 9th symphony.

Not actually connected, but conditioned. And something that needs to be dealt with, if I want to achieve and not feel like a fuckwit.

Because these two forces are in fact in opposition, though they at first glance seem aligned. The voice that is constantly criticizing saps my will to act, since there is the unconscious knowledge that no matter what I do, it won't be good enough for the inner critic.

The inner critic isn't bad, I think, but out of balance.

maybe there's more to the whole story. I'm sure there must be, or this problem would have been resolved already.

oh yeah, surrender. it's never where you thought it would be; the solution. It's tricky because it's not a thought. So the mind keeps running in circles, looking for an answer that is not within it's ken. at least now I have a little reminder tag that says to the mind, "stop looking: the answer is not accessible by you. Allow the larger, tectonic force to move you gently to the actual solution."

surrender, 4th iteration

surrender, rememberd, forgotten, 4th time since the 49% to 51% shift.

points of note:

surrender is forgotten, then remembered. forgetfulness is the only way we could play the game of life seriously. so it's not a bad thing, it's a "we want this" thing.

surrender is not an instant 100% thing. It is something you practice, and learn. as I'm trying to do.

One of the most challenging and enjoyable things in my entire life, is being present. especially when it is difficult to do so: that is, the times when I would normally distract myself with various addictions, friends, Internet, worrying, meditating, inquiring, thinking, eating. When, instead, I have the clarity to remember, "just stay with it, completely open eyed" it is absolute love, whatever the pain may be. This is very difficult to do, but it is worth every drop, a hundred times over.

There is no reason to hold back anything. Go for what you know to be worth going for. You cannot go for it too much. No effort is lost, on this path (paraphrase, from the Bhagavad-Gita).

the first loop of elaboration on surrender.

it is thanksgiving
it has been almost exactly a month since I had a big realization about control. From that surrender, all of a sudden, I started acting the way I wanted to be acting, for all my life. But not because I wanted to be acting that way any more. Just the opposite, it was because I was surrendered into what was, including entirely my normal behavior of being very quiet, inactive, and as I self debasingly refer to myself, "lazy." But soon after I realized I was starting to do all the things I'd always wanted to do, the ego took over and claimed ownership. Oh, look at me everyone: I'm finally shaping up like I always wanted to.

and then it went away, of course. And it took me nearly a month to come full circle, to realize what had happened, and what the original thing that was successful, was. This is what I'm talking about, with the cycles of forgetting and remembering. They seem to be an integral part of the spiritual journey. Which is, as far as I can tell, just the life journey, going through a specific phase.

A model that seems fairly accurate is: start in ignorance: everything is fine. Then, begin the downward slope that is leading to a spiritual break: something is not quite right. Finally snapping and beginning a very focused attempt to get out: everything is wrong. And eventually, an upward climb again: everything is good. Or at least some things are good, and the good increases.

the begining of the new journey

I think the best way I could describe what some people called my 'awakening experience' three years ago is:
The beginning of the New Journey.

I do not know what it was in relation to all the various descriptors of progressing spiritual evolution. From various traditions. It only half-fits any of them. But from that point on, I have been walking half of a new path, searching for the other half.

Or you could say, walking the same path, in a new way.

many things changed with that, changed profoundly and for good. Some immediately, some gradually, as the initial shock wave reverberated throughout my psyche and my life.

And many things did not change. As I said, it feels like I walk half a path. If I was living in hell before, this is purgatory, journeying towards heaven.

It's lonely here, thus the title of the blog. The loneliness being unnecessary, but the distinct aloneness inescapable. No road, no map, no teacher, but my heart, my heart, my heart.

If I were to try to cram this into the description of "higher states of consciousness" that I am most familiar with, Maharishi's model, I would have to say that his description of Cosmic Consciousness to God Consciousness to Unity Consciousness, is not sequential but more simultaneous. Like the limbs of a baby growing. And even those limbs are external to something primary and indescribable by me, being in the midst of it and without perspective at the moment.

The one consolation I have from all this frightening uncertainty is that I know I am not making this up: this is not like anything I had imagined. This is not in anybody's maps. Though certainly many of the descriptions that other people gave and give of there journeys, are familiar. At least for now, more and more, where I'm going is becoming less and less known. No words I've heard prepare me for my next step.

I go into mystery. naked and alone, clutching my arms and shivering.

Nobody would do this unless they realized there was no other option, then nobody wouldn't.



and I would call my recent understanding of surrender, the beginning of finding the missing half. It's interesting, the only important ends I find are always beginnings. And mostly it's just cycles: up and down, clarity and confusion, happiness and depression. It seems useless to try and stop that wheel, demanding only the upstroke of the cycle. I don't spin that wheel, I can't stop it. My control is always indirect. I seek truth, I follow my heart, I surrender, and things improve. I try to control, and things deteriorate.

why wouldn't you surrender if you saw clearly that non-surrender accomplished nothing, and surrender accomplished everything?

Answer: because 'you' aren't in control of surrendering or not.

Don't act as if you have no control though. Your effort is extremely important on this path, though why and how, I do not comprehend. Grind your teeth and put in every ounce of yourself that you can into this, and pray passionately for the desire for realization that will drive you to put forth the effort necessary.

This sounds ballsy and manly, but it's not, in practice. Often what is required is not pushing yourself to extremes, but maintaining balance, and being honest.

bah. why listen to me? just a fellow traveler.