The Desert Assasin

[Idea for a story from a sticky note I found, covered in cobwebs and dust bunnies, as I cleaned and re-arranged my room]:


The Dessert Assassin

"I've got a problem with a certain... vanilla ice cream.  He gives me a headache.  I need him... taken care of."

"I can do that."

so sad

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7kQN7tWFio

sad. lonely. Isolated. Miserable. Paradise, vacation. Dust and ash in my mouth.

I am depressed, and that sucks.

Away from my friends, I shrivel and die.

Family is no help. I feel judged, trying to interact with them. It hurts. I run away. In there eyes I see the incredible weight of the self criticism I level at myself constantly. The weight of it is crushing and extinguishes the light from my world and the joy from my heart. I see the beauty and recognize it but do not feel it. It is difficult if not impossible to do anything that requires any effort at all since I am so unhappy and dispassionate that I see no reason to put myself through further discomfort, since It will do nothing to make me happy in my heart. lies lies lies. I tell myself and it makes me miserable. things i do will make me happier. not actually deeply happy, but certainly superficially happy.

I don't care about that though. perhaps i should, in order to be functional in the world, but i don't. I want deep satisfaction and joy that touches the deepest part of my heart and remains there, or else it isn't interesting to me. I am deeply confused. I feel too incompetent to take care of my self. my best friend in the whole fucking world shot himself, blew his head off, with a shotgun. what the FUCK!!!!!!!????????!!!!!!!!!!1

fuck me, I am the most Byronian, unfortunate put upon fuck in my awareness. I roll in it like a pig in shit. I revel in being the most wretched. I feel darkly justified in suffering, in not caring about anything.

just another thought. zero truth to it.

yet it has such a powerful effect on my body, my feelings, my actions. wow.

the hitler of mosquitoes

[Note from the futur: this was a pretty intense one. I'm through this stuff now, actually generally enjoying life again. So I post this in the hopes that, knowing I'm now ok, it's humorous, or at least, to let people who are going through something similar know you can and will come out the other side if you keep plowing through (and maybe get some help from someone who's good at listening.)]

oh fucking shit, I hate mosquitoes!

Fuck!

I want them all to die in a horrible mosquito genocide. I am the hitler of mosquitoes.

In other news, I currently staying in an absolutely gorgeous villa in Saint Martin.

It doesn't matter though, because I'm fucking depressed and feel isolated, lonely, and unhappy. fucking shit, I could have just jumped a train and lived in a dumpster for ten days for free to get that experience.

It is beautiful all around me and it doesn't matter. I am unhappy, I am shitty shit emotionally. fuck fuck fuck me. the mosquito's don't even matter. I'm just especially susceptible to hate right now. because I'm so weak and unhappy. the slightest annoyance sends me into paroxysms of rage.

I can't tell any of the people I'm with how I'm feeling. my cousins couldn't give a shit. no, I think they do care if I'm doing shitty. but what can they do to help? they are totally different from me.

I can't talk to dan, which is what I would normally do, because he's fucking fuck-idy fucking DEAD because I killed him fucking suicided because I fucking when away for ten days when he was suicidal and canceled our hanging out doing a vacation thing which is what he wanted. fuck. it's all fucking my falt--

wait, fuck you! you fucking cock sucking mother fucker. you're the same goddam darkness that fucked dan up. you can go rape yourself you asshole. fuck. off. I'm going to stop. no, fuck. I'm going to get through this, and get to the other side, and be happy. you heinous asshole fuckedy fucker. gondam it you fucking took my best fucking friend. I hate you even more than mosquitoes.

I just want to scream FUCK IT, I AM FUCKING MISERABLE PEOPLE, OK? THAT IS WHY I AM ACTING THE WAY I AM. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. FUCK. ME. FUCK.

I don't know what to do about this. I am in a super crappy environment for dealing with it. people are doing things which I don't enjoy. or rather, people who i don't relate to are doing things. is there something I can do to relate to them? to feel comfortable? I don't know. I don't think i can relate to them as people. they do not share enough common experience. is there something I can do to not feel so alone? that's the problem. if I could just not feel horrible when i'm by myself, then i could be fine with people I don't relate to, which is like being alone. that's all. I'm with my family, on family vacation, which is basically like being by myself. which i don't enjoy right now, because I'm feeling so fucking horrible about not being able to connect with anyone. being isolated and cut off.

they are completely uninterested in what I am interested in. I am completely uninterested in what they are interested in. maybe that's a lie. maybe i'm just feeling crappy and making up storys and reasons for why i'm feeling crappy. Or maybe I've never been so alone as when i'm with family.

one thing i've discovered is that I'm super angry about being emotionally manipulated. somewhat seeing the baby has triggered that. mainly though, feeling emotionally manipulated triggered that. feeling guilty about saying no. feeling like I didn't want to do x, but if I didn't do x, people would be sad and disappointed. and then the insanely, insanely irritating, quiet needling of mom and a little of sister, trying to get me to go, trying to tell me I should have gone. it is all me and it's a good indication that I've got stuff to work on. this would be perfect Inquiry material.

I want to read a blog post and none of the blogs I'm following have updated, so I'll have to update my own blog and read it while pretending it's someone else's. fuck it. I'm tired and sad and so fuck fuckign alone lonely feeling.

[Notes from the future: am I a bad person for laughing at this? is it worse or better that it's me?]

journaling belifes

There are only a few ways I can produce voluminous content, but there are a few ways. Journaling is one. It is easy for me to free-write, as it is generally easy for me to create art: I'm good at separating my judgment from the art and just enjoying the process, entertaining myself with the art and not requiring it do more that entertain me. If it entertains others, that is also delightful, and more often than not it does, because the fun I have making it shows through. No tortured artist here.

I have been journaling beliefs hard core. At the core of them is something vaguely like, "I need a girlfriend." It is surprising how much charge this has, when something comparatively more important, like death, doesn't seem to have much charge. But it's possible, quite possible, that this is more immediate a threat, and thus is being triggered. This attachment, when triggered by, say, a pretty and cool girl I have a crush on who has at least a possibility of liking me too, unleashes so much energy. It's difficult even to meditate without having my overactive imagination whisking me off on imaginary journeys of romance. Cheesy, ridiculous perhaps. But screw off, mysterious detractors of my subconscious. I am as I am.

I am trying though, to seek truth through this. It is a challenge, of being willing to let go. My theme song lately is "Let Go" by Frou Frou. Let go of my attachment to having a girlfriend, let go of my attachment to girls liking me, let go of my desire not to end up a balding emotionally numb and sexually predatory old man who's dieing inside of loneliness while pretending to be spiritual.

Letting go of being something other than what I am. Horn-dog, devoted to truth, terrified of rejection, lost in fantasy, bursting with creativity, full of love, scared to death of being alone.

If something is really frightening to me, like telling a girl I like her, I am sucked into my avoidance, paralysis, fantasy pattern.

If I find a better way of living, I adopt it.

If something is in my way, I plow through or patiently chip away as long as it takes. I am a slow but unstoppable machine. And every step takes me further, makes me lighter, faster.

This is all open to all of you. This is your nature, this is your birthright, you cannot discard this, cannot get rid of it. You can only forget that you have this power. Any power. Jesus said, "this too you shall do, and more." He wasn't talking shit, he wasn't being flowery. He was being plain and simple and true.

Beliefs to be broken with the light of awareness/truth:

-I'm not doing the right thing. (get a job, make lots of money, start a company, be a hero.)

-I am alone. I am unlovable (I will only be loved when I have a girlfriend. I will only be ok when I'm with friends.)

remember: thoughts are not the problem. Believing your thoughts is the problem.

Also remember: becoming free of beliefs doesn't make you a potato. You are free to dream and move in the direction of that dream. The idea that holding onto your suffering inducing beliefs will make you more likely to get what you are attached to, is usually totally false. And always false, in terms of the basic satisfaction you are hoping these attachments will give you.

It's not that the joys of the world are bad. It's just that they are the icing on the cake. If you are relying on them for your happiness, you're going to be very sad sometimes when they're not there. As the relative world does, sometimes.

[thoughts from the future: funnily enough, all that time I was telling myself that having a relationship wouldn't give me what I really wanted or what I thought it would give me, were wrong. It is deeply satisfying in all the ways I thought it would be. And, now on my second relationship already, it's clear that the thing that was holding me back from having a relationship was not 'attachment to having a relationship' or some kind of spiritual block, but a rather simple belief that, once realized to be possibly false, resulted almost instantly in finding a significant other. I'd tell you what it is, but I should probably write a crappy self-help book and take 259 pages to tell you a paragraph's worth of information and make a bunch of money. More importantly, I don't know if the information will be used for evil, or even works for other people universally. If you really want to know, go for a walk with me and we'll chat.]

The only time

When something hurts, it's me holding onto some attachment. And then I turn and see the attachment, and usually let go, after seeing that it brings me only suffering. Sometimes, it's hard to see that it only brings pain.

For instance, by belief and attachment to having a romantic partner. I believe it will make me happier, more fulfilled, stronger. I am attached to having that. The attachment to having that at some point in the future causes me pain now. I see that clearly. However, I also believe that if I let go of the attachment, I will not have the motive energy to make it happen, in the future.

What is lacking is basic trust, that I will preform to the best of my abilities, to fulfill my desires, even without the scourge of negative future centered beliefs.

Without attachments to specific outcomes, there is just action in the moment....

where is the cut-off line? Between planning and acting to achieve that plan, and being so attached to the outcome that it interferes with the action of the present.

I also have to figure out what I want in a woman.

I want her beautiful. she should be beautiful in my eyes.

and she should be interested in sex.

she should match with my personality well enough to enjoy long conversations. That means having a spiritual bent, and a good mind.

We should click very well, there should be mutual appreciation.

There should be similar, though not identical interests. Nature, sustainability, spirit. At least openness to primitive skills.

I hope that she motivates me. Not like a coach, but like a muse. Someone who inspires me with her appreciation and beauty.

We should have good sexual and sexual-spiritual chemistry.

I would like someone kind and joyful.

I would like someone with skills that balance out my own. We compliment each other. Perhaps she is a front and center gal.

I want, for myself, to be more........

AH HA! remembered it:

IMPORTANT:

aaaand forgot it. shit.

What I want, and what is comfortable, are two different things. Sometimes, what I really want to do, is so uncomfortable to do (like just walking out in a social situation) that it's less uncomfortable to just ignore my desire and go with my fear of discomfort and screwing things up.

So I should practice just listening to my honest desires, and doing them, and then processing through all the negative feelings they bring up. Perfect opportunity to do Malcolm's homework on judgments and emotions. And if I can't bring myself to do that which I desire, I can at least remain aware, of the desire, the fear, and the feelings.

YAY!

that was my big point. re read it tomorrow.

[it's now April, 2012. And it is rather satisfying to note that I have a girlfriend who, amazingly, somehow meets all my criteria for a good girlfriend I listed here. I must say I was hoping but not really expecting it. Not so quickly. This shit is why I can't help but feel deeply humbled in gratitude whenever I think on my life, despite the vast shit-storm I've endured.]

One more crush

I've got a crush on a crazy girl.

No more crazy than me though.

She dislikes herself more than I dislike myself.

But I like her more than she likes me.

So I guess it evens out.

will anything come of it?

will I even be able to tell her I like her?

now taking bets on my love life.

[update about a year or two later: I never told her directly but I'm pretty sure she knew. Nothing came of it. Too bad for her ;) . Call in your bets]

Beliefs that hurt.

am I doing a good enough job?

my heart aches. I step back, I feel it, without judgments. I step back. It's still there.

I step forward. I listen to it. "Isaac. You're lonely. and a failure. and you're sad." Over and over the question has echoed through my life, "will this ever be over? With the torment end? For good?" Is that too much to ask? I'm not being rhetorical. Is that too much to ask? Should I aim lower? If it's too much to ask, to expect to eventually be happy and feel good about myself most of the time, that would be nice to know. I could devote my time to something else. At least I could do something useful and be of service to other people. Something to make my life useful. To make the world better, less painful, for my having been born.

Talking like that hurts people who care about me, perhaps. I don't want to do that. Worse though is holding it in. Keeping my pain to myself, because I'm afraid my friends can't handle it. That is a poor opinion of my friends. They're stronger than that. People are resilient. I'm proof of that. Even if I do feel like damaged goods some of the time.

I'm really good at bullshitting. At making stuff up. At making random meaningless stuff seem like it means something that I already believe. I believe I'm damaged goods, and I'm really good and looking at life and seeing proof of that, though there is no real proof.

"Look, I'm unmotivated. Look, I'm unhappy, Look, I'm undisciplined. Look, I can't get a girlfriend." And on and on, with specifics of any event or action I feel bad about.

Belifes seem to be living things. Like trees that have been growing for a long time, they are strong, resilent to chopping. They have deep roots that keep them from being pulled out easily, and that draw nutrients to sustain and grow them, from their surrounding enviroment. Belifes that are deeply rooted begin to feed themselfs, outside your conscious controle, and grow bigger and bigger. Hell, Inception, the movie, is a perfect illustration of what I'm talking about. We've all had those kind of belifes implanted in us from a young age. They look silly, when seen plainly. nonetheless, they are there, and they aren't budging. Do you know what yours are? you might want to. Here's a list of some of mine, off the top of my head.

I'm a bad person.

I'm a failure at life.

I will never be able to change being a failure.

Sex is wrong.

I'm doomed in sexual/romantic relationships.

I will never be able to make a significant contribution to society.

I will never be successful financially on my own.

If your going to say, "oh Isaac, that's not true." I ask you to keep those thoughts to yourself. I've asked myself "is this true?" about all these beliefs, and the bottom line is my mind says, "I don't know" and my heart says, "Yes." But my mind also has the belief that is your voice, saying, "you shouldn't belief negative things about yourself."

Well guess what? I do believe negative things about myself. fuck pretending to be spiritually enlightened.

I'd rather be honest.

I'm working on finding a way to honestly not believe these things about myself, I work on that daily. but until I change, that's how I feel. Saying thats not how I feel is lying, and I'm not about to do that for myself, since I always know when I'm lying, and I'm getting tired of doing it for other people.

Here's another good one:

"What other people think about me matters."

death spiral

.you know, this blog is as much for myself as for anyone else. It's useful, as an easily accesible journal, that creates it's own dates, and won't get lost, and never runs out of pages.

So this is just a note to my self, chronologically, so I can remember my last major down point/death-spiral.

cause: a mixture of Tales of Phantasia and shame.

Realizations:

I don't have control over my addictions.
I'm addicted to story, really hard-core.
Loneliness and Porn are connected intimately.

When I hurt myself, it is non-logical. And when I shame myself for my not in control actions, it sends me far deeper into depression.

Staying up really late makes me spacy, brain doesn't function well, and feel depressed and low energy. Also equal contributors to this state are lots of computer and no exercise.

The death spiral happened shortly after I did something I thought was very productive.

I use porn as a release, so I don't have to live with the un-ending antsy energy that is there otherwise. If I didn't have porn, I wouldn't mastrubate nearly as much, and I wouldn't... brain fuzzy.

hate myself for hurting myself, so that's hurting myself more, and I know if I go out and walk it will make it better, but I don't want to.. why? I've decided to punish myself, or is it like when I don't go to bed on time, no, like when I eat, instead of meditate or something and it gets timred. fuck this post . death

head in the sky, feet in the mud: A quiet Tree

I now understand where I may have gotten my feeling of not wanting to do any of the options offered: my dad (thanks malcolm!). He started off wanting to be a math professor, and then, in collage, realizing he wouldn't be able to be the best at it, thought, "what's the point, if I'm not going to be the best?" and went to law school. Finishing law school (at Harvard, no less) he realized, "hey, being a lawyer sucks." and went to the peace core. Which was fun, and got him some good shirts and a problem with spicy foods. And then finally he found a spiritual organization to be a part of, "ah, this is what I want. Get enlightened. Finally, something worth doing."

And that's basically where I landed, abit without the benefit of law school. Spiritual revelation has such a deep and powerful sense of meaning, that every worldly pursuit pales in comparison to the meaningfulness and return on investment in searching for God.

However...

The reason I got myself into all the nature skills I did, was I looked around me and saw a lot of ungrounded people. People who were afraid of living, and so lived in there heads, in there meditation halls, and only interacted with the world as much as necessary to maintain life support. And I saw I was one of those people, deeply one of those people, and I wanted out. Still for my same old reason of spiritual enlightenment, of course, but now that phrase had more significance. It meant something bigger. It meant Life. And that meant the really, truly scary thing, living, had to be faced. So I started facing it. It was scary as all hell and it hurt and I was really bad at following through with it. But I kept pushing, and eventually I looked back, and life was better, really, truly better, for my journey. And that is something that I couldn't say of all my mental-spiritual merry-go-rounds. Spiritual highs are wonderful, but they go. Life is what is left behind. So if you really want all the nice stuff talked about in spiritual circles, you need to bring the spirit to the earth. That is the whole point of this thing called 'enlightenment.'

I mean, reality is already reality, God is already Everything. If realizing that was enlightenment, then that would be a quick trip. What makes it a life long journey, and what makes that realization juicy, is living that reality.

That's what I'm working on now. And it may call for doing something other than 'spiritual' stuff.

I'm not sure whether that means I have to find something I'm passionate about, or if I have to find- oh, ok, I guess I do know, because it can't be that, and it must be more like finding the passionate part of myself. The part that cares, about life, about living. About doing stuff. Maybe I don't have to be passionate about it. maybe it's enough to just quietly love chopping the wood and carrying the water. That seems more doable.

There's a sign on my recycling bin, I didn't put it there, it says, "tree's love quietly." that's true of me, too.

porn

I haven't done any post about porn recently. I need some lower elements to balence out all this spiritual philosophising.

I have a lot of porn.
I recently had a conversation with a femail friend about her class on women in culture, and how bad porn is for women. It's degrading and objectifies them and supposedly encourages violence towards them.

I felt a little guilty, and made a note to make sure she never found my stash.

I think the whole feminism thing is a bit weird. just another thing for angry people to be angry about. and then they bandy around there terms like genocide and rape and try to blame it on whatever it is they don't like.

bullshit.

the violence that happens in the world is a very sad thing.
It does not happen because of one thing or another. There are many reasons.
But all of it involves this: not being kind.
the angry activists seem to forget this point, and think it's ok to be mean to certain people, though those certain people can't be mean to other people.
If you want to stop violence, or pollution, or anything, the person you have to start with is yourself.
why aren't you stopping (fill in the blank)?
well, that's why we aren't either. It's your idea, your advice, so you do it.
sigh. you know, this is violent too.