Never say Goodbye

Dan was my best friend in the whole fucking world.

Dan was closer to me than any other human being or animal or idea or anything I have ever interacted with.

If I was gay, or dan was a woman, I would have married him. A while ago too. As it is, he's a man and gay sex is icky to me, so I'm going to skip that image

Dan and I were different in a lot of ways, but in all the important one's it felt like we were brothers, twins, almost, no, not almost, two half's of one whole.

I think probably less than .00001% of people on earth ever have as intimate a relationship as me and dan had.

We were each others confidants.

I told dan, and dan told me, things that will never be spoken to anyone else.

We were each others guru's.

We moved along at the same pace, bootstrapping each others evolution. The flavors were sometimes different, but it was like woman syncing there periods when they work together for a long time. It always ended up that, as we talked, it turned out we were dealing with the same fundamental issue underlying things. Our views, while divergent enough superficially to give rise to debates, was fundamentally identical. We both grew exponentially faster, having each other there to help us.

Except for the last few months.

We were each others supports. When we couldn't talk to anyone else about something, we could talk to each other. Hell, Dan's girlfriend of several years was jelous of the depth of relationship we had.

It is so exeptionaly rare to find a soul that is so resonent. Both Dan and I knew it. This relationship was not normal, was not something you could expect from life. it was something of extreme value and rarity, and we both had ridiculous gratitude for it, from the very beginning and never abating.

I really hope Dan isn't my soul mate, because he's a guy and he's gone from physical manifestation. But I wouldn't be surprised at all if he was. I could be sad and bitter that I can't give him a hug or have a regular conversation with him any more,... and I guess I am. But frankly, the extreme gratitude for such a rare opportunity, is much stronger. The fact that I had any time with such a relationship is a pure and extreme miracle and blessing.

I love you dan. I love you so much. No one but you, me, God, and the few blessed lovers/brothers who have had such a relationship, will ever know how much.

Today I got all my birthday letters, because I was gone for 9 days, starting on my birthday on my survival trek: the culmination of my 8 month primitive skills apprenticeship program. It was an awakening and reminder that, despite how uncomfortable it can be, being cold, wet, hungry, I love living out in the wilderness, as part of the wilderness enough to justify the unpleasant aspects. Though I also know damn well that survival doesn't have to be a struggle or a pain, but can be pure luxury and joy and adventure. As tom brown says, "if primitive survival is uncomfortable, it just means you skills suck." In any case, I was reminded that, despite being rained on and quite cold and cramped, I'd sleep in a debrie hut any day over a bed inside, or even a sleeping bag. not because I'm trying to be cool or extream or have some idea about living sustainably, but because sleeping in something natural, made of natural materials, in tune with the local enviroment, made by myself, and being woken up by first light to sit outside my little human-nest and worship God as he rises in glory over the unspeaably beautiful landscape, is worth every bit of back strain, sleep deprivation, dirtyness and wetness. And it only gets more comfortable from here, because I am constantly learning and getting better.

Anyways, the point is, for whatever reason, today is an extraordinarily significant day. It is a day of death and rebirth.

One final note on this thing we call "death":

it's a crock of shit.

there is no such thing as death. it's a fairy-tail invented by someone or some people, to scare little children into eating there oatmeal. I've never seen a single death, only transformation. If you believe in an afterlife, then you agree with me.

Except 'afterlife' is a bad word for it, since it's still life.

If you don't belief in an afterlife, then it doesn't really matter anyways. we're all going to die and go out like a candle and we won't be around to think about how terrible it is that we don't exist anymore. The fear is totally irrational and can be dropped without any negative consequences at all: just try and live as good and joyful and satisfying a life as you can. Really, logically, that is the only answer on how to live, eather way. The only difference is that, as seems highly probable, there is is an 'after' life, there's not even any illogical reason to be anxious about leaving the body.

Dan didn't say goodbye. That bugged me. But I understood, soon after, why he didn't leave a note:

we are all eternal.

there are no real goodbye's.

So there's no purpose in saying something like that.

that's why I usually end with something like:

be seeing you.

Until then: I'm gonna miss the hell out of you, dan.

Time > money

here's one of the central questions for people interested creating a better world:

-the vast majority of people don't have time for the education required to explain to them why the system isn't working and give them the tools to change it.

-they also don't have the energy, for the same reason: they are spending there time energy and attention doing jobs that keep them alive: fed clothed and housed.

-and they are spending there free time distracting themselfs, rather than educating themselfs, because they are very unhappy and need something that will make them feel better, entertained, or at least distracted.

-and education is untrustworthy, since there are so many different viewpoints chattering all at once. Each makes it's case well, sounds believable, and contradicts some other viewpoint that also makes sense and presents it's case well.

people have there hands full, just looking out for themselfes and there familys.

Is this true?

I'm not sure.

How much does it really cost to live? there are lots of people who are not capable of the mental clarity nessisary to make a living, but most people are. If you cut out non-essentials, like internet, phone service, tv, eating expensive foods, good computers, good cars, or cars at all... I wonder if you'd still have your hands full, providing for yourself.

How much could I provide for myself?

I don't have to, so it's not tested, but what If I did have to? how successful would I be? food and shelter would motivate me, and staying connected with friends. But if I lived in fairfield, I wouldn't need to buy anything to stay connected to friends.

And I might not need to buy much, in the way of food, if I grew it myself.

I'd still probubly have to buy a fair bit, in the way of land and housing, and heating and electricity.

and buy clothes... but that could be cheap hand-me downs, if need be.

I would have to work. but how hard?

at first, probubly pretty hard. Setting up my garden, my house and land, but once I got the hang of it?

It might be ok then, since most of the work would be stuff I enjoy: being outside, doing physical labor, working with plants, building things, solving problems.

There is an over-quoted story, from my collage sustainable living department, that is nonetheless very significant: cultures like the bushmen of australia could well be considered the original affluent society, since they spend only a few hours a day, if that, taking care of there needs for food, shelter, water, etc. The rest of the time is spent as they want. Playing, learning. People are happy, smiling, healthy.

This is a Time Rich culture.

We have people here who are money-rich, but time poor. They spend all there life time working to make money so they can have useless crap that doesn't even make them happy. And the jobs make them miserable and cut them off from there families and real friends. This is not to say people who are money-poor are necessarily time rich. often they work just as hard or harder, in worse conditions. And these are the extremes of the situations, highlighted to show a point:

what is really worth selling your time for? Because selling your time is selling your life, and frankly my life is worth more than anyone can pay for. After meeting my essential needs, my time is going to be spend in the contemplation and pursuing of a life worth living. something full of love and joy and discovery and adventure. Something that feels deeply meaningful and right. I don't know what that looks like yet, but I'm working figuring that out like my life depends on it.

Because it does.

Feeling everything deeply

I kept (keep) running away from my pain and fear, afraid to feel it.

And THAT is what makes it horrible.

If I allow myself to accept it, feel it, it's currently an incredibly good feeling, even when it is a painful emotion.

I was afraid, of doing "it" wrong. I had such high expectations for myself, and I was terrified of failing, especialy since I was failing. Failing to be what I thought would save me from all the things I am afraid of:

I'm afraid to die, having lived a meaningless life.

I'm afraid to condemn myself to long periods of suffering.

I'm afraid of getting sick.

Afraid of living in misery.

Afraid of never finding happiness.

And so now never feels good enough, and I am so sad, for my weaknesses that make me like I am, rather than acting like the person I believe would be living a meaningful life, a joyful and healthy life, a successful life.

I am afraid that if I just let myself be ok with the moment, I won't become that person, ever, and I'll doom myself to unhappiness and failure.

Like most of our beliefs about how life works, this one was backwards.

What was truly unbearable was not staying up late or playing video games, but being afraid that I couldn't handle the consequences that brought. Fearing what I was creating so much that I refused to experience it.

It's easy to see now, how that is driving my escapism. It's lovable, like a child afraid of the dark, and understandable.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop being escapist. Have to learn to crawl first, and that means simply feeling again. realizing intense emotions, even physical ailments, are safe. safe to live in.

This is the reason that the fundamental fear of humanity is intrinsically linked to identification with a body. When you think you are a body, a mind, then you can be destroyed, fail, be hurt. And so we run away from those experiences. But true dis-identification, or non-attachment, is actually a place where, because of the awareness that you are not a body, but something unending, that's wearing a man suit and dreaming a man dream, because of that awareness (not thought or philosophy, but direct seeing/feeling) you feel safe enough to step into that experience, and live it fully.

It's paradoxical sounding, because we are used to the dis-identification born of really strong egos that are so afraid of being hurt or ended that they try to keep from feeling life. By going numb, by distracting themselves, by above all avoiding their feelings. The spiritual dis-identification is completely opposite. It's like something really tense that's been holding itself into a tight, hard lump, relaxing and flowing into all the cracks, right up against everything.

And that seems to be coming from letting myself feel what is there to be felt, now. And that feels safe because I've been doing a lot of work with this really strong and deeply held belief. A lot. There is more. I very much look forward to the time when I can post a blog entry, looking back several years, and say, "yes, life is pretty generally wonderful. All the realizations I've had, they've rooted and grown, and are permanent ways of being. And all my constrictions are released. The process is quick and automatic, if anything new comes up. Life is beautiful, deeply enjoyed, and it has been through thick and thin, for so long that I really can't see that deviating, and so I am fulfilled, and life is as I always thought it should be."

As a little kid, I really didn't know if this was possible. I thought maybe it was a fairy tail, but I chased it anyways, because it seemed like the only thing worth chasing. And after so many years of effort, I saw that it was a real live possibility. I still don't know how much time it will be, but I am confident it will come about, eventually, and that makes me deliriously happy. Like being told, eventually, I would get to become my childhood superhero. And it will not look like I think it will look. But it will be everything I wanted, and more. And it will not end.

These things, I am confident it. They are lights in the darkness of my journey, far from over. They give me hope.

Seek, and ye shall find. Knock, and it will be opened

the kingdom of heaven is within.

head in the sky, feet in the mud: A quiet Tree

I now understand where I may have gotten my feeling of not wanting to do any of the options offered: my dad (thanks malcolm!). He started off wanting to be a math professor, and then, in collage, realizing he wouldn't be able to be the best at it, thought, "what's the point, if I'm not going to be the best?" and went to law school. Finishing law school (at Harvard, no less) he realized, "hey, being a lawyer sucks." and went to the peace core. Which was fun, and got him some good shirts and a problem with spicy foods. And then finally he found a spiritual organization to be a part of, "ah, this is what I want. Get enlightened. Finally, something worth doing."

And that's basically where I landed, abit without the benefit of law school. Spiritual revelation has such a deep and powerful sense of meaning, that every worldly pursuit pales in comparison to the meaningfulness and return on investment in searching for God.

However...

The reason I got myself into all the nature skills I did, was I looked around me and saw a lot of ungrounded people. People who were afraid of living, and so lived in there heads, in there meditation halls, and only interacted with the world as much as necessary to maintain life support. And I saw I was one of those people, deeply one of those people, and I wanted out. Still for my same old reason of spiritual enlightenment, of course, but now that phrase had more significance. It meant something bigger. It meant Life. And that meant the really, truly scary thing, living, had to be faced. So I started facing it. It was scary as all hell and it hurt and I was really bad at following through with it. But I kept pushing, and eventually I looked back, and life was better, really, truly better, for my journey. And that is something that I couldn't say of all my mental-spiritual merry-go-rounds. Spiritual highs are wonderful, but they go. Life is what is left behind. So if you really want all the nice stuff talked about in spiritual circles, you need to bring the spirit to the earth. That is the whole point of this thing called 'enlightenment.'

I mean, reality is already reality, God is already Everything. If realizing that was enlightenment, then that would be a quick trip. What makes it a life long journey, and what makes that realization juicy, is living that reality.

That's what I'm working on now. And it may call for doing something other than 'spiritual' stuff.

I'm not sure whether that means I have to find something I'm passionate about, or if I have to find- oh, ok, I guess I do know, because it can't be that, and it must be more like finding the passionate part of myself. The part that cares, about life, about living. About doing stuff. Maybe I don't have to be passionate about it. maybe it's enough to just quietly love chopping the wood and carrying the water. That seems more doable.

There's a sign on my recycling bin, I didn't put it there, it says, "tree's love quietly." that's true of me, too.

Guinea Pig I

I like Gandhi's autobiography for two reasons:

one: he's very truthful and doesn't conceal his shortcomings very much.

two: he talks about how he had made his whole life an experiment. He didn't just believe one thing or another, he heard of a way of doing things, and then he tried it and saw how it worked.

three: it's a story about someone who was fairly successful as a person, and I'm always interested in what it is that makes people successful. Though my researches have shown that it is only half controllable: you need certain characteristics, and you need dumb luck.

and yes, I am aware that in general 3 does not = 2. but it can. For instance, two sticks of butter might = three cups of butter. Or two people might equal three people eventually, if they get their giggy on.

The main point I'm thinking about now though, is point two; making your life an experiment. That seems like the thing to do. Another famous person who did that (not movie-star famous. this person actually did something useful for his fame) is Buckminster Fuller. He said many times that after his eye-opening spiritual experience that kept him from committing suicide, he decided to make his life an experiment, to see what one man could do for the world... lets see if I can find the exact quote.

... not so far, except for the tidbit that he gave himself the nickname, "Guinea Pig B" to signify that his life was his experiment. But did find some awesome other ones:

"We must do away with the absolutely specious notion that everybody has to earn a living. It is a fact today that one in ten thousand of us can make a technological breakthrough capable of supporting all the rest. The youth of today are absolutely right in recognizing this nonsense of earning a living. We keep inventing jobs because of this false idea that everybody has to be employed at some kind of drudgery because, according to Malthusian-Darwinian theory, he must justify his right to exist. So we have inspectors of inspectors and people making instruments for inspectors to inspect inspectors. The true business of people should be to go back to school and think about whatever it was they were thinking about before somebody came along and told them they had to earn a living."

"The Things to do are: the things that need doing, that you see need to be done, and that no one else seems to see need to be done. Then you will conceive your own way of doing that which needs to be done — that no one else has told you to do or how to do it. This will bring out the real you that often gets buried inside a character that has acquired a superficial array of behaviors induced or imposed by others on the individual."

"I live on Earth at present, and I don't know what I am. I know that I am not a category. I am not a thing — a noun. I seem to be a verb, an evolutionary process — an integral function of the universe."

OK, here it is:

"

...I set about fifty-five years ago (1927) to see what a penniless, unknown human individual with a dependent wife and newborn child might be able to do effectively on behalf of all humanity in realistically developing such an alternative program. Being human, I made all the mistakes there were to be made, but I learned to learn by realistic recognition of the constituent facts of the mistake-making and attempted to understand what the uncovered truths were trying to teach me."

I translate that as: he made his life an experiment, to see if even someone in as unpromising conditions as him could make a difference. He made a lot of mistakes, but he learned from them.
a few more I liked:

"Dare to be naïve."

"I think it's absolutely touch-and-go whether we're going to make it. But the point is, for me to tell you that you have an option is not to be optimistic... Time and again, of course I am running into millions who don't know we have the option, because it's invisible, and I feel I have tremendous responsibility. So when people ask me to come and talk to them, I do my best to let them know they do have the option. Of course they're pessimistic, not knowing that."

"The courage to cooperate or initiate are based entirely on the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth as the divine mind within you tells you the truth is. It really does require a courage and a self-disciplining to go along with that truth."

"I never try to tell anybody else what to do, number one. And number two, I think that's what the individual is all about. Each one of us has something to contribute. This really depends on each one doing their own thinking, but not following any kind of rule that I can give out, any command. We're all on the frontier, we're all in a great mystery — incredibly mysterious. Each one possesses exactly what each one is working out, and what each one works out relates to their particular set of circumstances of any one day, or any one place around the world."

"I have to say, I think that we are in some kind of final examination as to whether human beings now, with this capability to acquire information and to communicate, whether we're really qualified to take on the responsibility we're designed to be entrusted with. And this is not a matter of an examination of the types of governments, nothing to do with politics, nothing to do with economic systems. It has to do with the individual. Does the individual have the courage to really go along with the truth?"

"Integrity of the individual is what we're being judged for and if we are not passing that examination, we don't really have the guts, we'll blow ourselves up. It will be all over. I think it's all the difference in the world."

"The question of integrity will get finer and finer and more delicate and more beautiful."

"Every child has an enormous drive to demonstrate competence. If humans are not required to earn a living to be provided survival needs, many are going to want very much to be productive, but not at those tasks they did not choose to do but were forced to accept in order to earn money. Instead, humans will spontaneously take upon themselves those tasks that world society really needs to have done."

this is all taken from wiki-quotes. so it may be misattributed, may be plagiarized, whatever. but regardless, it's good stuff.

live your favorite story

I watch a lot of movies these days. It reminds me though, because of the other things I've done, Tom Brown courses especialy, that it is possible for my life to be an adventure, and whatever that ends up looking like, it is so much more satisfying than the best movie. It is the best movie. But it requires more work, much more time, and infinitly more risk.

(what's the risk of sitting in front of your computer, watching someone else do something epic? not much.)

It half misses the point though, or more than half, to say that life would be good if it was just epic. that is more a symptom. trying to change it at the surface level leads to unsatisfying and temporary results.

I also have to decide on something I want. "excercising regularly" isn't an objective, it is a means. and if the objective is just, "so I don't keep chastising myself for not excercising" then it's not sufficent motivation for me.

It is interesting, the disconnect I have between my thoughts and my actions. I think it is a little bit tragic. I have great ideals for myself, but when I start to achieve them I realize they are empty of what I wanted from them.

Still, I think it is better to live your favorite story, that to read about it or watch it lived by someone else. The question for me is what needs to change internally for that to come about, and even more important, is that what I really want?

I think what I really want is something much simpler and more universal. A basic surrender, to something I might call flow, or purity, or Self, or God. It's a way the mind functions that doesn't second guess and shoot itself in the foot. From there, you don't need to ask 'what do I want' because your already doing it, and you don't need to worry about whether your doing the 'right' thing, because you always are.

this is about little me, perhaps I will call him... mini-me, abdicating the central command chair, and waiting for full sized Dr. Evil to take up his rightful place.

I'd say a few days ago, I just recently came back around the third loop of elaboration of surrender. It is beginning to get more concrete.

This is how it always works: first it is recognized and accepted on the almost imperceptible level of abstract knowing, being, and then it begins to bleed into feelings and mind and body, bleed into space-time, over time. And thats when you get to enjoy it.