Never say Goodbye

Dan was my best friend in the whole fucking world.

Dan was closer to me than any other human being or animal or idea or anything I have ever interacted with.

If I was gay, or dan was a woman, I would have married him. A while ago too. As it is, he's a man and gay sex is icky to me, so I'm going to skip that image

Dan and I were different in a lot of ways, but in all the important one's it felt like we were brothers, twins, almost, no, not almost, two half's of one whole.

I think probably less than .00001% of people on earth ever have as intimate a relationship as me and dan had.

We were each others confidants.

I told dan, and dan told me, things that will never be spoken to anyone else.

We were each others guru's.

We moved along at the same pace, bootstrapping each others evolution. The flavors were sometimes different, but it was like woman syncing there periods when they work together for a long time. It always ended up that, as we talked, it turned out we were dealing with the same fundamental issue underlying things. Our views, while divergent enough superficially to give rise to debates, was fundamentally identical. We both grew exponentially faster, having each other there to help us.

Except for the last few months.

We were each others supports. When we couldn't talk to anyone else about something, we could talk to each other. Hell, Dan's girlfriend of several years was jelous of the depth of relationship we had.

It is so exeptionaly rare to find a soul that is so resonent. Both Dan and I knew it. This relationship was not normal, was not something you could expect from life. it was something of extreme value and rarity, and we both had ridiculous gratitude for it, from the very beginning and never abating.

I really hope Dan isn't my soul mate, because he's a guy and he's gone from physical manifestation. But I wouldn't be surprised at all if he was. I could be sad and bitter that I can't give him a hug or have a regular conversation with him any more,... and I guess I am. But frankly, the extreme gratitude for such a rare opportunity, is much stronger. The fact that I had any time with such a relationship is a pure and extreme miracle and blessing.

I love you dan. I love you so much. No one but you, me, God, and the few blessed lovers/brothers who have had such a relationship, will ever know how much.

Today I got all my birthday letters, because I was gone for 9 days, starting on my birthday on my survival trek: the culmination of my 8 month primitive skills apprenticeship program. It was an awakening and reminder that, despite how uncomfortable it can be, being cold, wet, hungry, I love living out in the wilderness, as part of the wilderness enough to justify the unpleasant aspects. Though I also know damn well that survival doesn't have to be a struggle or a pain, but can be pure luxury and joy and adventure. As tom brown says, "if primitive survival is uncomfortable, it just means you skills suck." In any case, I was reminded that, despite being rained on and quite cold and cramped, I'd sleep in a debrie hut any day over a bed inside, or even a sleeping bag. not because I'm trying to be cool or extream or have some idea about living sustainably, but because sleeping in something natural, made of natural materials, in tune with the local enviroment, made by myself, and being woken up by first light to sit outside my little human-nest and worship God as he rises in glory over the unspeaably beautiful landscape, is worth every bit of back strain, sleep deprivation, dirtyness and wetness. And it only gets more comfortable from here, because I am constantly learning and getting better.

Anyways, the point is, for whatever reason, today is an extraordinarily significant day. It is a day of death and rebirth.

One final note on this thing we call "death":

it's a crock of shit.

there is no such thing as death. it's a fairy-tail invented by someone or some people, to scare little children into eating there oatmeal. I've never seen a single death, only transformation. If you believe in an afterlife, then you agree with me.

Except 'afterlife' is a bad word for it, since it's still life.

If you don't belief in an afterlife, then it doesn't really matter anyways. we're all going to die and go out like a candle and we won't be around to think about how terrible it is that we don't exist anymore. The fear is totally irrational and can be dropped without any negative consequences at all: just try and live as good and joyful and satisfying a life as you can. Really, logically, that is the only answer on how to live, eather way. The only difference is that, as seems highly probable, there is is an 'after' life, there's not even any illogical reason to be anxious about leaving the body.

Dan didn't say goodbye. That bugged me. But I understood, soon after, why he didn't leave a note:

we are all eternal.

there are no real goodbye's.

So there's no purpose in saying something like that.

that's why I usually end with something like:

be seeing you.

Until then: I'm gonna miss the hell out of you, dan.

Cosco and the ultimate power of the universe.

The husband of the couple who I'm renting my place from offered to take me for a trip to Cosco. I didn't understand why that would warrent a trip, but I couldn't find a good reason to say no, and I I think he's pretty cool, so I went along.

Turns out Cosco is really a secret Cabal, mainly for old people. I've never seen so many handicapped parking spots in my life. At least thirty or forty.

The shopping carts were twice as big as normal shopping carts, and there were also... what to call them, something you might use to transport large crates of things, or a lot of luggage. You need to present your Cosco membership at the door, where it is carfully checked. Inside is a space to rival Super Walmats. It's a huge, high cealinged warehouse, with tall stacks of giant boxes of kleenex, wide screen tv's, a food section with lots of free samples, and just about everything else. Kind of a Shopping center for giants. You have to use your cosco card to check out, and at the door, a lady looked at our reciptes and counted how many items we had in our cart, to make sure we weren't stealing anything.

I've never seen such high security at a shopping center. I can only guess that old people are an especialy high demographic for shoplifting, because they just don't care/feel they're old enought that they can do what they want/realize they're going to die soon so who cares what other people think of them.

Oh, and they had partial sky-lighting, which made me happy.

Also, the periodicaly move around were items are, in an obvious attempt to mess with the old people and make them think they're getting alzheimers, to try to send them into a buying frenzy.

(reminds me of a comic someone told me of: an old dieing man is lieing in his deathbed, family gathered around him. his last words are, "I wish... I'd bought...more crap...")

In other news: I just got an interesting suggestion, that I function on a shame based (in this definition shame = feeling like I'm bad) system rather than a guilt based (guilt = feeling like my actions are bad) system, because I feel like I am incapable of change, of improvement. I feel like I have no power to change things. So, I do something I feel is crappy, and I don't make amends, rectify my guilt, and so it sticks around and starts being shame.

Malcolm mentioned that the rule of karma means, if you work on something, that action will absolutely have an effect. If you practice a sport, you will get better at it. Cause and effect. It may happen slowly, it may not make you the best in the world at it, but it will definitly have an effect. And in the moment, the current moment, I stand at the head of my previous karma, with the free will choice to create whatever current karma I want. I have to start from where I am, but if I don't make different choices, I won't change.

So now the old program has been brought to light, and a new, more attractive program has been introduced, or activated. Now they have to battle it out. My job is to lean as much as I can into the new program, because that is much closer to how I want to be functioning.

And it starts with this belief that I'm just fundamentally not a good person. And it starts with the realization that I can change my destiny through my current actions.

There are a lot of people in the town of fairfield, and a lot of my close friends, who espouse my original program. They say, "you have no free will, it's all predetermined." And they are good talkers, so they can argue there point very well. I kind of want to scream fuck you at them, but I realize the problem is with me, not them, and speaking harsh words is something I long ago realized has very strong and often immediate negative consequences. It's amazing how much you can wound someone with a mere word.

Really, any viewpoint is just that, a viewpoint. Whether you really think there is free will, or not, what is important is the consequences of your beliefs. Because they create your world. For me, my belief in no free will has the consequence of great suffering and inertia. It leads to me feeling powerless, and thus acting powerless. And the truth is that's bullshit. Man is not powerless, Man is incredibly powerful. We have the ability to shape the world we live in, and we have huge control over our personal reality, via our beliefs. This old belife fails my simple, effective test, and so is up for changing.

That simple test, by the way, is this: does this create more light in my life, or darkness? Said a few more ways: Does it inspire radient feelings or constricted ones? Does it inspire me towards purity, joy, growth, or discourage me and depress me? Is it of the light or darkness; your heart knows this, in it's simplicity. Suffering, ignorance, confusion... or love?

Now comes the longer part, where I have to feel through all of this. Where I have to stand in tearing winds of doubt and fear and old patterns and begin to create something new. Where I take my first, unsteady steps, unsure if I can do it, unsure of what is going to happen, of where I might end up, if I do succeed..

Shitfuck. as the old philosophers and saints-in-training say. Too bad I can't buy determination at Cosco, cus I could sure use a wholesale box of it.

I'm tired

it's been a busy week. lots of adventures. but I'm not going to tell you them now, because I want to sleep 40 minutes ago.

instead I will say what is on my mind:

I'm tired of reading/hearing advice from people who have not lived what they suggest. People like me. it pisses me off. And they even want to make money off of there unproven ideas. It's akin to people who go up to directors and say, "hey I have this great script idea" (why don't you do all the hard work of turning it into a movie and then give me money if it's a success).

This is why I don't give people advice, unless they directly ask me for it. This is why this blog is not an advice column. It is a diary, a journal, of my attempts to live well. it is a relatively spotty, incomplete journal. perhaps I'll do something about that. frankly, I'm busy learning and living now, so that takes precedence for me.

I'm in a hurry. I want to get to a place of experience, somewhere that can really be deeply useful to the world. Some way of living that feels worthwhile. Any time I spend "teaching" before I get there is just fearful stalling via public masturbation. Sometimes I have conversations that could look like teaching, but I don't seek them out. It's just someone nature pushed in front of me because I have a bit of experience that would be useful to share with them. And I'm grateful for an opportunity to give, and to learn myself, because if I fail to learn at least as much as the person I'm helping, then I've been an unmindful student. Everyone and everything has things to teach you. And you know they have something to teach you right now when they show up in front of you.

Grandfather says, they best teacher always learns more than the student.

The lesson for today is:

what decides whether you have energy or are tired?

no problem

I have no problem laughing and crying at the same time.

My childhood monsters as teachers

I have learned a lot about how to interact with mind from the extraordinary fear and chronic, super vivid nightmares I had as small child. Because I was constantly afraid of the dark, constantly having dreams of being chased or stalked by something scary, I eventually learned how to deal with these things.

It took me a long time to realize that the same dynamics applied to real life.

For instance, I learned, eventually, as a kid, that you have to stop running from your monsters for the nightmare to end. Running is the worst thing you can do. As long as you're running, the nightmare can keep going.

But once you stop running from what you are afraid of, and let it catch up with you, or, if it's just sitting in the darkness, waiting for you, jumping into that darkness, the nightmare ends.

Because whatever you were afraid of happens. The monster bites you, you feel really afraid, whatever. You then just wake up, or go into a different dream.

Applying this to life eventually, I learned to face my fears, to go into what it was I was afraid of. Nothing is as scary or bad as you think it will be, when you're actually in it. It's that tension of being about to get eaten, or whatever, that is the worst. Because that's the fear. Fear of annihilation, perhaps, or something more mundane. In any case, when you actually experience it, even when it's something in the real world and you don't literally 'wake up' from it, I would realize, "hey, the worst I'd feared has happened, and, I'm still here."

Just recently I realized another bit of wisdom from the monsters that used to live in the darkness everywhere.

The monsters couldn't stand light. That's why I kept my closet light on at night, even though light made it hard for me to go to sleep. Light killed monsters, vaporized them, or made them run away (I always tried to trap them in places, and then turn on the light to make sure I killed them, rather than them just running away to pop up later).

The thought did occur to me: maybe there weren't actually monsters in the darkness, since I've never seen them.

But I was afraid to believe that. I was afraid that if I believed that, then I would stop being cautious about the monsters. I wouldn't jump up onto my bed from a safe distance so they couldn't grab me and drag me under. (something that happened numerous times, in my nightmares, as I started trying to get the dreams to end quicker.) I wouldn't keep the closet light on, etc. And then the monsters would really get me.

It was this secondary fear, that reinforced my belief in monsters, with the power of fear. If the monsters could talk, the conversation might look something like this:

Monsters: we're living in your closet and we're going to eat you.

Me: I don't believe you. I've never seen you, how do I know you're actually in the closet.

Monsters: Oh, we'd love you to not believe in us; you've been so careful, you keep eluding our grasp. If you stop believing, then your guard will be down and we can finally eat you.

So when I asked the question: are there really monsters under the bed, the response I got was, well, I can't really know, but maybe there are, so It's safer to believe in them. So don't try and convince yourself there are not monsters, because that could be really dangerous.

Do you see the catch-22? I'm trying to make it very clear, because this applies big time to all of us grown-ups.

Here's what I realized: with some of my deepest rooted beliefs, that seem resistant to inquiry, the reason they won't dissolve in the light of inquiry into truth, is because there is this secondary belief/fear, that acts to reinforce and protect the main one.

Example: I think I'm a failure. I'm always doing something wrong, I'm never doing enough. OK, those are simple thoughts to inquire into. Is it true?

BUT

when I ask myself that question, I am that little eight year old Isaac, who is afraid that if I let go of that thought, that I'm a failure, then I finally will become a failure. I believe that my strong belief in me being a failure, my self flagellation for not being good enough, is the last little bastion I have keeping me from becoming my worst nightmare.

And so, that thought needs to be looked at and asked the question. Brought into the unbearable light of truth, to see if it is real or not.

This is today's lesson, brought to you by the monsters in my closet: if there is some belief you have that won't let go of you, perhaps there is another belief somewhere that says you need to have that belief. To sum up:

"if I stop believing in the monsters in my closet, they'll get me."

is it true?

A secondary realization was that the monsters actual existence is the thought of fear I was believing, as I sat or ran just out of reach of the darkness. Even if there was something in the darkness, that's not the real monster. not the problem. Ghosts, bears, ax murders; these are not the problem. The fear is the problem, and the fear is a thought believed in. every time.

perhaps that's why the eastern dudes say that the nature of ignorance/suffering/darkness is something that doesn't have it's own existence. While appearing to be the whole world, it is nothing at all. Misdirection. Like my non-existent monsters in my closet. They won't stop being a problem till I realize where they are: in my head. And, what I learned this week, was I won't realize where they are until I've dealt with my fear of looking.

I guess I was afraid I'd convince myself they didn't exist, but be wrong, because I used faulty logic, because I really wanted them to not exist. I was trying to make myself believe something different. And that didn't feel safe, because pretend belief doesn't do shit.

"oh, I'm just going to believe that we're all one, and nothing can hurt me."

that doesn't work.

But actually seeing it for yourself. That does.

here, now, in time and space

I am here, now, in space and time, because of the same thing that made Neo stay up all night, searching the internet. Something is wrong. Something is wrong with my world. I can't place my finger on it, like an itch inside my head, it maddens me with it's very unscratchability.

translated: with my inability to pinpoint what it is that is wrong.

I am emotionally, spiritually constipated. as are we all, or most. Probably mentally constipated too. I'm trying to eat more roughage, maybe take a laxative.

translated: I'm trying to learn how to process emotions, thoughts and beliefs.

For example, right now, the belief that something is wrong. There is only one possible reason I feel that something is wrong: there is some part of reality, concrete or abstract, that I believe should be different than it is.

Now, can I ever, ever know that?

We take for granted our "practical knowledge." :

"yes yes" you say, "of course we can't know anything absolutely, but for all practical intents and purposes, this seems to be how the world works."

to that I say, bs. Much of our "practical knowledge" is not in the slightest bit practical.

Here I sit, a twisted, pitiful creature. Like Gollum. Corrupted by the Ring. What is the ring?

The ring is Power.

The ring is Control.

We want to control our world. we want to make it other than it is. we are forming our own personal war on God. Re-enacting that old biblical, or semi-biblical story of satan rebelling against God. Like all good stories, the relevance is to our own story, our internal world.

when I try to change the world, change myself, I suffer immensely. I'm terrified of accepting the world, myself, in a way that would end this fearful striving to make the world different than it is.

The "rational" voice might say (it certainly does within me) that we are simply taking into account our future. We need to plan for that, and we do have an effect on it, and it's outcome.

But that is weasel talk and bad logic. The problem is the belief that something is wrong with right now. We pretend that we are punishing ourselves for our bad behaviour in order to make our behaviour better, but that is an illogical act.

Nature will give you the fruits of your action. You don't need to play nature's part and try to give yourself what you think you deserve. Nature is much kinder about it too. There's never any judgment in the way the universe works. You get what you pay for, you reap what you sow.

God doesn't prevent you from doing anything, He(/She) lets you do what you decide to do, and lets you get the result of that action. If you don't like the result, you can stop.

I have an objection to that:

What about addictions? Often I feel compelled to do something, not because it's particularly pleasant, but because not doing it is either particularly unpleasant, or thought to be unpleasant (though sometimes it's actually fine, when you actually find yourself in the situation you thought was going to be unbearable)

It is said that we, as humans, have the ultimate gift of free will. Is that true?

what does my experience say?

It says:

on the level of the observer, there is no action, and so there is no free will. There is nothing that is done, or not done. No action means no choice of which action to do. It is action-less, except for the primal action of being aware, or something a step simpler than that.

on a slightly further out layer, there is control over what you have your attention on. You may not be able to control your environment very much, or what thoughts you have, but what you put your attention on is to a large extent under your power.

however, as soon as you have free will, you have control. people can manipulate your thoughts, and even your attention. Think of a baby, being distracted from something a parent doesn't want him/her to be doing: maybe they wave a rattle, or pick them up and play with them. Maybe later on in life, you have a flashing billboard, offers of money, boobs, promises of peace and happiness.

Maybe someone just lies to you to get you to behave a certain way. Maybe they threaten you. Maybe they make you feel responsible, maybe they praise you, maybe they beg you.

Wherever there is freedom of choice, there is a whole sea of currents, pushing and pulling us. Environmental factors, mental conditioning factors, desire factors, avoidance factors.

Often, I feel powerless. I look at my actions and see a man, a boy, dominated by fears, hopes, and beliefs. I try and avoid pain and seek out pleasure. I do it my own way, not necessarily the most efficient way. But as humans do, I have the ability for self reflection. I can look at my processes and figure out how effective they are, and if they serve me well.

Lets look at feeling powerless: what is the effect of that: I get depressed. I become frightened of other peoples judgment, I withdraw into myself. This is not a useful happiness strategy. maybe there's some reason for it. I try to find a good reason for it. ... I find none. Only painful reasons.

Now the difficulty is that we are not machines, that can just replace a few lines of code with a more efficient algorithm.

I've been spending years trying to figure out how to properly do this. I've read various books, describing various methods. I've yet to find a way that is truly efficient. All my efforts feel like a lot of flailing around, for a little progress. Though that has been improving, as of late.

However, a big factor that slows this down significantly is the programming it's self. There are parts of me that don't want to do this de-programming.

why?

because, as I said before, we are not machines. Our programming language is emotion, and that means you FEEL things. Everything you are trying to reprogram is read in the form of feeling things, and then re-written.

Most people spend there whole life avoiding feeling the parts of them that are the most scary. Fuck, I've been doing this for several years now, and I still avoid my feelings like hell.

But not all the time.

And the little time I manage to not run away, is when I manage to do some de-programming. And so, even with the little I've done, fighting my own bad programming (I think it would be akin, in this analogy, to having a metric fuck-ton of spam-ware on your computer, making it run super slowly and keep crashing when you try to run spam-ware cleanup programs, thus making the work slow and tedious.)

One final word of advice, from personal experience: if you decide to try your hand at reprogramming your code, and think, "well, I'll just go super hard core on that, push through any resistances, and be done with it." You are going to have trouble. Don't loose sight of the reason you are doing the work in the first place: your happiness. Or contentment, peace, fulfilment, whatever word you feel like using. The point being: keep yourself as happy as you reasonably can. If you are going through some emotionally draining work, be nice to yourself. eat good food, get some rest, hang out with friends, take a walk in nature, laugh.

Why? We are not robots. We work via feelings, we are squishy, organic beings, and we need cycles of rest along with our activity, or we will get burnt out. If you lift weights too much, you won't be getting stronger, you'll be hurting yourself and getting weaker. I've seen too many people try and go balls-to-the-wall with this spiritual stuff and end up burning out.

here is a quote that sums this all up: "start early, drive slowly, arrive safely."

I'll say it yet another way: there is an ideal speed to be going, with this stuff, and it is not too fast, not too slow. Both too fast and too slow, will get you there slower than a balanced speed.

All this really translates into, is that one of the factors to take into account when you are trying to do everything right (which I have been a complete failure at, but I keep trying) is the factor of your comfort.

no new posts: reason

I haven't been posting a lot. Sometimes I get into a headspace where I'm looking at my words and wondering if I actually want to say them.

Do I have anything worth saying? If I'm not sure whether i should say something or not, I generally err on the side of not. "First, do no harm."

Though I suppose, I'm going to have to screw that up a lot, so I can learn what should be said and what shouldn't. However, this isn't a good forum for learning that, because there's almost no interactivity. I'm speaking to a dark, quiet room.

However, I like the actual mechanism of having a blog. It is something I can access from anywhere, it dates things for me, organizes them chronologically... it's really a very handy journal. Much neater than my paper ones.

what to do...

I actually have a bunch of posts I've written and then kept in the limbo of being a draft, because I am not sure I want to post them.