Friday, December 31, 2010

the hitler of mosquitoes

[Note from the futur: this was a pretty intense one. I'm through this stuff now, actually generally enjoying life again. So I post this in the hopes that, knowing I'm now ok, it's humorous, or at least, to let people who are going through something similar know you can and will come out the other side if you keep plowing through (and maybe get some help from someone who's good at listening.)]

oh fucking shit, I hate

I want them all to die in a horrible mosquito genocide. I am the hitler of mosquitoes.

In other news, I currently staying in an absolutely gorgeous villa in Saint Martin.
It doesn't matter though, because I'm fucking depressed and feel isolated, lonely, and unhappy. fucking shit, I could have just jumped a train and lived in a dumpster for ten days for free to get that experience.

It is beautiful all around me and it doesn't matter. I am unhappy, I am shitty shit emotionally. fuck fuck fuck me. the mosquito's don't even matter. I'm just especially susceptible to hate right now. because I'm so weak and unhappy. the slightest annoyance sends me into paroxysms of rage.

I can't tell any of the people I'm with how I'm feeling. my cousins couldn't give a shit. no, I think they do care if I'm doing shitty. but what can they do to help? they are totally different from me.
I can't talk to dan, which is what I would normally do, because he's fucking fuck-idy fucking DEAD because I killed him fucking suicided because I fucking when away for ten days when he was suicidal and canceled our hanging out doing a vacation thing which is what he wanted. fuck. it's all fucking my falt--
wait, fuck you! you fucking cock sucking mother fucker. you're the same goddam darkness that fucked dan up. you can go rape yourself you asshole. fuck. off. I'm going to stop. no, fuck. I'm going to get through this, and get to the other side, and be happy. you heinous asshole fuckedy fucker. gondam it you fucking took my best fucking friend. I hate you even more than mosquitoes.


I don't know what to do about this. I am in a super crappy environment for dealing with it. people are doing things which I don't enjoy. or rather, people who i don't relate to are doing things. is there something I can do to relate to them? to feel comfortable? I don't know. I don't think i can relate to them as people. they do not share enough common experience. is there something I can do to not feel so alone? that's the problem. if I could just not feel horrible when i'm by myself, then i could be fine with people I don't relate to, which is like being alone. that's all. I'm with my family, on family vacation, which is basically like being by myself. which i don't enjoy right now, because I'm feeling so fucking horrible about not being able to connect with anyone. being isolated and cut off.

they are completely uninterested in what I am interested in. I am completely uninterested in what they are interested in. maybe that's a lie. maybe i'm just feeling crappy and making up storys and reasons for why i'm feeling crappy. Or maybe I've never been so alone as when i'm with family.

one thing i've discovered is that I'm super angry about being emotionally manipulated. somewhat seeing the baby has triggered that. mainly though, feeling emotionally manipulated triggered that. feeling guilty about saying no. feeling like I didn't want to do x, but if I didn't do x, people would be sad and disappointed. and then the insanely, insanely irritating, quiet needling of mom and a little of sister, trying to get me to go, trying to tell me I should have gone. it is all me and it's a good indication that I've got stuff to work on. this would be perfect Inquiry material.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

so it goes

freezing wind
snow sparkling

full of gratitude
lonely and directionless
afraid to let go I hold on to pain like a diver clinging to an urchin for dear life
realizing what I am doing, again and again, I let go
and am shown life is infinitely kinder than my fearful imagination believes

like the ocean rounding the rocks, this gentle wave motion of forgetting and remembering
is wearing away at the most jagged rocks of my heart

for now, I still worry if I will ever be truly content

for now, I wonder how to honor life while still suffering and confused

by the time it's all good, it will be too late for heroics,
and too late to enjoy the beauty of my journey into light

and it seems that if I can't enjoy now, I will never get to later

so it goes

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I want to read a blog post and none of the blogs I'm following have updated, so I'll have to update my own blog and read it while pretending it's someone else's. fuck it. I'm tired and sad and so fuck fuckign alone lonely feeling.

[Notes from the future: am I a bad person for laughing at this? is it worse or better that it's me?]