broken

spell-check on blogger is broken. so I may not be spelling well in the next few posts. My webcam is broken. my cousin just smashed into something and some part of his body is now broken. the screen door out to the balcony I'm typing on is broken. The sound system piped throughout the house sounds like a record at the end of it's track. It is broken too.

My heart is not broken. My heart does not break. My heart is made of rubber, not porcelan. My heart is made of meat, of muscle. It tears and brusies and rips. but it heals. It bends. Hearts are not weak things. They, like people, are indestructible. They bend. they may even snap, but they keep functioning, to whatever capacity they can maintain.

My heart has hurt a lot, for long periods of time, and deeply. and it's all forgotten. It mine as well be a story about a friend of a friend someone's neighbor told me. It's a good story. It makes a good book. It makes a good life.

I've done some things I'm proud of. I've never stopped loving anyone I have ever loved. I still love my first puppy-dog crush. I see no reason to stop anymore. I used to think I shouldn't love. That really hurt.

I used to think other people should love me like I loved them. That hurt a lot too. I used to think other people hurting or feeling uncomfortable wasn't ok. That also hurt.

I

I'm harsh to my mom. It's a sad thing. I'm not harsh to anyone else almost. It's even hard to appologize when I say something hurtful, and realize what I've done. for some reason, with her I feel embaressed to admit it.

There is almost nothing that embareses me enought to do something out of integrity, but that does.

----

I want a page break here.

the sea at night is deep blue and soft. the sound of waves on the rocks below is soothing. I want to fuck a hot girl. I want it like I want comfort food or a nice laptop. I feel a lack or a hole and I want to not feel that. I think that maybe sex will do it, despite the fact that I know it won't. The only difference is I don't have a memory of having sex and what it was like afterwards, to remind me that it really didn't fill that hole. But I don't need it. I know the answer to this question, and if I can trust that, I can save myself time and energy.

however, I do think I should try to have a relationship. because I'm scared of it, because I don't know if I want it or not, because I don't know what it is, first hand, at all. I have mastrubation to extrapolate straight up sex. But I don't have any experience that can give me an idea of what a real romantic relationship is like. I want to. It's scary and exciting. I like adventure.

I can live an adventure, easily. I only need to keep reminding myself of one thing: the adventure is lived starting NOW. Not later.

Ok, I guess there's a second thing I need to remember, which is adventure doesn't have to look like anything in perticular. Adventure is an eye, not a thing seen. It is a hand, a way of walking, and not what you are doing or the place you are going. That takes care of itself.

hmm. I think that was a bunch of bullshit. I don't know what I'm talking about... no, I know a little of what I'm talking about. I know about the eye of adventure, and the walk of the traveler. but I am still timid to go that way, blazing my own trail, alone.

alone, alone alone. the name of the blog. the name of my heart. the deeper I accept that, the more I love. strangly.

I am what I am, and the more comfortable I am with that, the less afraid I am to look at it, and the more I look at it, the more I love it. In this case "what I am" constitutes everything I experience, know, and do.

what do I do? I seem to have choice and power to create my universe, my life. I seem to have to power to direct things. I seem to be only watching a pre-scripted play, either enjoying it or boo-ing it.

what's going on with me right now? what else is importaint?

It's newyears. ten minutes till the calenders flip to 2010 here in mountain time. It's a full moon, right overhead. Shimmering pool at night. Full of love. I do not know anything. I am much wiser than I ever was. I am much happier being me. I am quiet. anti-social sometimes. I am kind and loving, easygoing and silent. hilarious and timid. I lean back in my throne, the pool chair, and make dreams with the cloud scapes and the stars and the moon. it's newyears. drink a sip of really bad shampagne. sing badly.

fireworks from the hot tub (small dinky ones. beautiful.) good music. distant cheers. reflections in the dark window of the burning colored explosions.

bigger fireworks now, louder. Now some flashing lights approaching the place in the beach where the fireworks were coming from, I guess illegaly. Hope the cops let the firework benifactors off easy. they were a nice touch to the night.

there are so many amazing stories I am not living. but that must not be my concern. How should I live? I feel like I get close to the answer when I sit and stare in silence until the world starts to melt.

In that vulnerability of doing notihing my heart is tender, ungaurded. it quivvers in fear and excitment as it slowly, apprehensivly reaches out a hand to touch the most intimate place of universe.

there's only one way this could be more tender, ungaurded and loving, and that is to be doing this in the midst of every day activity.

I love you, whoever is reading this, and I love what you think of as your faults as much as the rest of you. because i don't see them as faults. They are what make you you. I love that. I know this is true for you because it is true for me, and loving myself is the most difficult person to love. He's the only person I treat worse than my mom.

why am I kind to people? I think it really is because I am happy inside. and when i get angry at them, I'm getting angry at myself. they just remind me of parts of me I don't like, and it makes me sad, that I'm not better.

people treat others how they treat themselfs. especialy when they're treating others badly, you get a view of what they do to themselfs, inside.

the moon says it better than me, look;

it's new years motherfucker

I like being able to swear. Thought I don't generaly like swearing. I realized something that bugs me, as being with family is apt to do: I hate being told or cajoled into doing things. It's one of the few things that still irritates me, is people trying to get me to do something. I don't know why it irritates me so much.

I think part of it is because I actualy feel like I have to do it. That is, I'm somewhat gullible, and guilty, and indifferent. If the right buttons are pushed, people can make me feel like I should do something, even when i know intellectualy it's a bad idea. I won't do it, but I will feel bad about not doing it like I'm somehow ungrateful or a bad person for not doing what other people tell me to do or expect of me. I'm sure this is a fairly ubiquitous aspect of the human condition, and I'm actualy less affected than many, probubly than most.

Still the feeling that I am being manipulated, or manipulation is being attempted, makes me livid, furious. Both with myself and other people too. Which is why brainwashing, of religious, spiritual, educational, political, or buisness orgin pisses me off so much. I get wrathful at subversive advertising, educating, indoctrinating, prosthelitizing.

It feels like a violation of our free will, of the very core of our humanity: our ability to think.

ha! an exaple from the line break above, when I got up to turn back off the porch light at the opulent palece I'm staying at: someone turned it on, without asking me, and left. they were not using this themselfs. It may have been the caterers, or it may have been a relitive. The thought that it was a relitive pisses me off. I can just hear the mothers voice in my head: "oh, don't you want more light here?" and then my response: NO, danmmit, I'm enjoying the stars, enjoying the darkness, the gentle glow from the pool lights, the soft glow of the horizon. NO I don't want the fucking lights on. (all that last bit just in my head) and then the cajoling, "oh, come on. are you sure? it's bad for your eyes you know...etc."

why is that so ungodly frusterating? why does it bug me so much to have someone else try to run my life? perhaps that sounds like a strange question, because of course it would piss you off to have someone try to run your life. but not so. there are people, there are cultures (india comes to mind) where that is expected. where it's unquestioned, accepted, perhaps even wanted. any thought you can think and belive, I'm sure you can find someone else who belived the opposite, or something opposite-like. It's all a thought, and that means it's all up for interpretation, belife or disbelife. everything everything everything. any thought you can think, even sensory perception. I'm reminded of some quotes from the matrix like, "you think that's air your breathing?" Anything you percieve in any way, vision, thought, feeling, belife. where is the inherent reality behind it?

you could go this way for a while, searching, and your world might fall apart, if the realizations sunk in. Or you could ask the ugly question: what's the point? I didn't ask the ugly question. I just went whole hog in search of something I could absolutly know is real. and frankly, eventualy, found it, to my satisfaction. But then there's nothing left to ask, but the ugly question.

However, the search changed me, and the finding eventualy mellowed me out, so it doesn't have such a discordant ring anymore. In fact, it even has an immediat answer for me.

"What's the point?"

"Whadday want it to be, sailor?"

you could even turn the question around on it's head, and ask what's the point of asking 'what's the point?'?

but in any case, the answer is very simple, as long as you've learned a little bit about not getting tangled up in the web of discursive thought. It's been said many ways, and I'll repeate some in a moment, but the iimportaint thing to note, as with most of the stuff I talk about here, is that hereing it doesn't do shit if it's not understood from experience. let me caps-lock this shit: YOU CAN'T SHORT CUT GROWTH BY HEARING/READING SOMETHING THAT SOUNDS NICE AND PRETENDING TO BELIVE IT. even if you convice yourself you belive it. You need to take the journey yourself. No shortcuts. No following someone elses path, because garunteed yours will be different, and if your trying to walk someone elses your not walking yours and thus your not going anywere. Those journeys only lead to one destination and that destination is the realizatioin that you've been walking in circuls, and then get out of that cul de sac.

Anyways. the answer. enjoy. be happy. follow your heart. those are some common phrases that denote this uncommon wisdom. If you don't have any false overlays on life and it's meaning, then the inherant meaning within you becomes obvious. there are things that you gravitate towards, that bring you joy and satisfaction, and things you move away from. What else does life boil down to? Live the life that makes your heart sing. Dance whatever dance you want to the music that's playing. If you don't like the music, try and change it. The point of the dance is the dance, the point of the game is the game. The point of beauty is beauty.

happy new year, according some random persons fancy. If this get's read on some other day than it was written, then I declair that day to be newyears as well, for you. so happy new years, still.

gtg, family dinner calling. will spell check later.

Cabo and Ho's

I'm in San Lucas, Cabo. Which is in Mexico. it's the southern dongle hanging off of california. I'm in a villa with family and extended family. It is really, really pretty. I should be lazy and just take some pictures rather than trying to describe it. Though honesty, that's more work right now, so I will briefly describe it: beautiful weather. 70's even at night, dipping down to maybe high fifty's last night when it rained (very unusual this time of year, or at all, I think.) The villa I'm in is built on the side of a cliff, with huge windows everywhere and open air spaces to take in the awesome view of sea and sky. The cave area which I occupy, at the bottom of the structure is built into the rock face, and they've left the beautiful rock that the cliff is made of, and worked around it, so it is the back wall. the front wall being glass and sea behond that. the architecture is nicely plastered concrete, arches, pillars, porches, a pool on the main balcony (small one) and vases and pots with plants in them. Rock or imitation rock floor.

The air is pure, fresh, teh sky is crystal clear or artistically cloudy. The whole thing feels so opulent it gives the sensation of lazy sex. Just lying around all day, being pleasured. I normally don't like expensive things, because they are so obviously ridiculous, and not worth a fraction of what they cost. In this case though, I am very happy to be able to inhabit what feels like a structure from my own personal fantasy. unfortunately I'm here with family instead of alone with a lover.

I just walked around the town below us, and it was predictably sad. not India sad, but the whole place was built around tourism. People wandering the streets, asking everyone if they wanted to buy random crappy souvenirs. And we, the tourists, are the enablers. Oh, and the "massage" parlors. I was suspicious of them, until I saw one with a sign that said something like, "NO SEXUAL massage parlor. Only actual massage" Then I was no longer suspicious, but confirmed. And while it was a little bit tempting, mexican women often being quite beautiful, mainly it was a downer; this was what tourism was doing, metaphorically, to the entire population. somehow modern civilization has convinced these people to sell their natural beauty, their lands natural beauty and bounty, for money. and now all they do is spend there time serving forginers. being maids, being waiters, being taxi drivers, being prostitutes. For what? For bare minimum sustenance in a toxic environment.

But, thinking about it, how is most of society different? we have that shittyness here in america too. we just have a bit less of it. And a lot of those rich tourists are spending their one week of the year here, only to go back to soul crushing, relationship killing work rutiens.

this is not the only possibility. but parts of it are almost omnipresent. And how happy are the rich people? generally, they live lives of quiet desperation just like the poor. They just have to try and distract themselves from it by other means, like buying new toys, etc, to keep from being alone and undistracted long enough to gaze into the empty meaningless hole that is there life. which would actually be a good thing, because maybe they would try and change that, and maybe, if they succeeded, they'd stop being so horrified of death.

I don't care how you do it, but if you are reading this, please strive to live a life that is full of real happiness, deep love, purpose and fulfillment. This is a selfish request, because it makes me very sad seeing people who have never lived. People who will have nothing to show, come their last day. People who have not even seen the incredible majesty and been humbled by the love and beauty surrounding them every second of every day. It makes me want to cry. It's like watching jesus, insane and amnesiatic, crawling around in the mud, the servant of violent animals.

How could you not cry, seeing this? God danmmit jesus, snap out of it!

I'm going to go stare off at the intoxicating horizon of night now. deep blue sea meeting a slightly lighter deep blue sky, with wisps of clouds lit by the almost full, dazzelingly bright moon, and the shimmering stars that tear my heart out with beauty like the best women do.

The beauty used to hurt, because I thought I was supposed to do something about it, and I was so inadequate to the task of reciprocating or even appreciating such overabundance.

bye for now. if any women in the area read this and want to have some opulent sex, drop me a line.
:D

-I Out

seeking the darkness with a flashlight

just to keep people from worring about me, and because it's true, I thought I'd mention: I don't get upset that much, or that long. nothing like the old days. If it sounds like I'm pretty dark, it is only because that is what interests me: where am I still small. what are the things I still believe in that are creating suffering in my life?

It's the darkness that needs the light, so that's where the flashlight of my awareness goes. and that's then what I talk about. believe me, I save the really crazy stuff for my personal journal. but this web log of my life and proccess wouldn't be complete if it didn't have the downs along with the ups. too many people gloss over that aspect. It makes the proccess of Realization seem unreal and out of reach. Fantastical. but it's not some fantizy world idea with rainbows coming out of flying saints asses. it is very very real, simple. Maybe not easy, but doable. Just make sure you're going in the right direction, and you'll get where your going. And of course why belive me? Listen yourself. Listen to the great books, the ones that fill you with light and desire for truth and purification and love and hope. I'm just makeing the notes of a fellow traviler availible, to make the point that a) this stuff is real and b) to despell myths about it perpetrated by ass-talkers. There's plenty of ok stuff on spirituality, there's a very little really good stuff, there's a whole lot of bad information, and then there's the stuff that's case specific for you, and could be a book on gardening or anything else.

And so, if this serves any purpose at all besides being useful for me, because writing helps me proccess, it is keeping people from heading in the opposite direction.

the validity of time

I'm in fairfield tomorrow.

.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!11!!1!

live your favorite story

I watch a lot of movies these days. It reminds me though, because of the other things I've done, Tom Brown courses especialy, that it is possible for my life to be an adventure, and whatever that ends up looking like, it is so much more satisfying than the best movie. It is the best movie. But it requires more work, much more time, and infinitly more risk.

(what's the risk of sitting in front of your computer, watching someone else do something epic? not much.)

It half misses the point though, or more than half, to say that life would be good if it was just epic. that is more a symptom. trying to change it at the surface level leads to unsatisfying and temporary results.

I also have to decide on something I want. "excercising regularly" isn't an objective, it is a means. and if the objective is just, "so I don't keep chastising myself for not excercising" then it's not sufficent motivation for me.

It is interesting, the disconnect I have between my thoughts and my actions. I think it is a little bit tragic. I have great ideals for myself, but when I start to achieve them I realize they are empty of what I wanted from them.

Still, I think it is better to live your favorite story, that to read about it or watch it lived by someone else. The question for me is what needs to change internally for that to come about, and even more important, is that what I really want?

I think what I really want is something much simpler and more universal. A basic surrender, to something I might call flow, or purity, or Self, or God. It's a way the mind functions that doesn't second guess and shoot itself in the foot. From there, you don't need to ask 'what do I want' because your already doing it, and you don't need to worry about whether your doing the 'right' thing, because you always are.

this is about little me, perhaps I will call him... mini-me, abdicating the central command chair, and waiting for full sized Dr. Evil to take up his rightful place.

I'd say a few days ago, I just recently came back around the third loop of elaboration of surrender. It is beginning to get more concrete.

This is how it always works: first it is recognized and accepted on the almost imperceptible level of abstract knowing, being, and then it begins to bleed into feelings and mind and body, bleed into space-time, over time. And thats when you get to enjoy it.

when the tao is lost

"... when Tao is lost, there is goodness.

When goodness is lost, there is kindness.

When kindness is lost, there is justice.

When justice is lost, there is ritual.

Now ritual is the husk of faith and loyalty, the beginning of confusion."

-from the tao te ching, translated by Gia-Fu Feng and Jane English, chapter thirty-eight

porn

I haven't done any post about porn recently. I need some lower elements to balence out all this spiritual philosophising.

I have a lot of porn.
I recently had a conversation with a femail friend about her class on women in culture, and how bad porn is for women. It's degrading and objectifies them and supposedly encourages violence towards them.

I felt a little guilty, and made a note to make sure she never found my stash.

I think the whole feminism thing is a bit weird. just another thing for angry people to be angry about. and then they bandy around there terms like genocide and rape and try to blame it on whatever it is they don't like.

bullshit.

the violence that happens in the world is a very sad thing.
It does not happen because of one thing or another. There are many reasons.
But all of it involves this: not being kind.
the angry activists seem to forget this point, and think it's ok to be mean to certain people, though those certain people can't be mean to other people.
If you want to stop violence, or pollution, or anything, the person you have to start with is yourself.
why aren't you stopping (fill in the blank)?
well, that's why we aren't either. It's your idea, your advice, so you do it.
sigh. you know, this is violent too.

What is Wrong?!

generally, when I have the feeling that something is wrong
what is wrong is that I think something is wrong.
and the solution is not to find the wrong thing and right it
but to remember that the present is unavoidable
and stop resisting it.
ceasing putting all my effort into trying to resist what is unresistable
my energy and attention is freed to experience the moment.
experiencing the moment, without trying to change it
without ideas about it's rightness and wrongness
it turns out nothing was wrong
and everything is beautiful
and kind.

fuck

my definition for ten years has been the seeker. I have been after something ultimate, something lasting, something some Indian dude called enlightenment and a million other names. I tried hard for it, because it promised a release from the suffering and insufficiency that was my life. I was lonely most of the time, depressed, full of self loathing, and incapable of carrying on a conversation with a girl I was attracted too. And some dude with a good beard said to meditate and realize God and I'd be blissed out and successful in action.

frankly, he wasn't lying. But my interpretation was a little too simplistic to be real, and if anything the things to quibble over are degree, not quality. Perhaps some of that just came with growing up. That's what my grampa implied, when I was trying to explain to him why I was so into meditation.

It's not true though. I just look at people, try to have a conversation with them and there is a huge gap in communication, with most people. They have no fucking idea what I am talking about. I've spent ten years going in, facing demons, willing to do whatever unsavory thing was necessary to find what is true, and deliver myself from the collective insanity we are infected with and indoctrinated with, seemingly from birth.

I'm being a bit hard on ignorance. It's not all that bad. But if you want to get out of it, disdain is a useful motivation. i don't feel like I'm out of it, but I've been moving out of it for a long time, with everything I've got. It felt like one of those bad dreams where you couldn't move quickly, where you were running through molasses, but every few years I'd look back and be stunned and how much confusion and constriction I had wriggled out of. and how much yet lies in front of me.

It is difficult work. School is easy in comparison. In school you are given a specific task. You are given criteria for success, you are given frequent evaluations, you are given information sources to use. You are told exactly what to expect. If the motivation is there to succeed, you can.

This journey into spirit, into reality, is not like that at all. There are maps, sure, but there are a million different maps, all giving different directions. And they all have different sounding objectives. And the criteria for success is variable and vague, if present at all. Imagine a classroom where a bunch of kids milled around in a room for a few days, with no purpose at all, and then a whole group of teachers came in, started talking at the same time, each giving different course assignments, contradicting other teachers, denouncing other assignments aside from theirs, gave only cryptic remarks about the grading criteria, and totally misleading information sources.

Does that instill confidence in the students? ah fuck it. this analogy sucks.

I'll just say this: if you don't have a strong motivation for school, you can still scrape by. If you don't have a strong motivation for spiritual growth, you are fucked.


The process seems to have subtly reversed. whereas I was once wriggling out of ignorance, now, I've reached the edge, found there is nothing beyond, and started wriggling back in towards the center, devouring it as I go so I have room to breath. There is no getting out of illusion. Illusion is the world. It is the point. It is a dream, a game. If it ends, there's nothing, or there's another dream, or game. which would you prefer? The trick is learning to be in the world but not of it. Like an actor who has forgotten he is just an actor, and is having a miserable time in the tragedy he's doing. When he remembers he's just an actor, doing what he loves most, then the play is enjoyed. It's still a play. He's still in it. But at least try to have fun with it. But how to do that, honestly (i.e. not just pretending)?

want it.
ask for it.
take the step that's in front of you.
then, take the next step that's in front of you.

as a fellow traveler, and this is not necessary information, but it is comforting information: it is possible. The freedom and joy you are looking for. It is possible. If you keep moving towards it, you will live it, eventually, and step by step. It won't look like you think it is. But it will be what you want.