Saturday, November 28, 2009


I love the simplistic.

How I am these days:

I am overwhelmed by the gifts of the universe. I am given more abundance than I could ever earn. And yet as far as my vision goes, my development is at the state of a baby. maybe a year old, still crapping myself. And I want more. Much much more.

What I want:

Very simply, I want to be successful in action. Not in an egoic, anger or fear motivated way, but in a non egoic, perhaps love motivated way. Success in action in this case means being able to start something, and stick with it to it's conclusion and success, or mastery, and fully enjoy the process of doing it.

Other notes:

there seems to be something wrong with my basic definition of successful action, that is too subtle for me to grasp at this moment, though I feel like I have understood it briefly and forgotten it, many times. However, the paradigm I have now is at odds with the wisdom, and so I cannot live the wisdom currently, nor can I even remember it, on command.

This seems to always be the case with wisdom that slips from my mind like fine sand in one's hands. I am not living the wisdom, and so realizations of the wisdom are momentary, not established. Eventually they are lived, and they don't have to be thought about or remembered.

The "wrong" thing is something fundamental, like my whole world-view is upside down.

I just recently realized that my main motivating belief for the last ten years is not true. It is, to try to put it into words: I need to work on my issues for them to go away.
This is an egoic way of trying to get enlightened. It served me well for ten years, but it is now a hindrance. Embedded in this belief is the world view that I am responsible for "making" myself enlightened. I do not know what comes next. But it will be free-er, closer to Truth.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

the first loop of elaboration on surrender.

it is thanksgiving
it has been almost exactly a month since I had a big realization about control. From that surrender, all of a sudden, I started acting the way I wanted to be acting, for all my life. But not because I wanted to be acting that way any more. Just the opposite, it was because I was surrendered into what was, including entirely my normal behavior of being very quiet, inactive, and as I self debasingly refer to myself, "lazy." But soon after I realized I was starting to do all the things I'd always wanted to do, the ego took over and claimed ownership. Oh, look at me everyone: I'm finally shaping up like I always wanted to.

and then it went away, of course. And it took me nearly a month to come full circle, to realize what had happened, and what the original thing that was successful, was. This is what I'm talking about, with the cycles of forgetting and remembering. They seem to be an integral part of the spiritual journey. Which is, as far as I can tell, just the life journey, going through a specific phase.

A model that seems fairly accurate is: start in ignorance: everything is fine. Then, begin the downward slope that is leading to a spiritual break: something is not quite right. Finally snapping and beginning a very focused attempt to get out: everything is wrong. And eventually, an upward climb again: everything is good. Or at least some things are good, and the good increases.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

what time is it?

I often find myself asking that question, as of late.

Not at all related to the time that a clock would say if I looked at it.
Not related to anything, consciously.
It's like a nervous tick, like saying "now where was I?" as someone wanders about the house, aimlessly.

Though I do sometimes expect an answer, something revelatory and unexpected, like: "It's Now," "A hair past a freckle," or "Naikkie Time!"
but mainly, the answer that I always give, if I give myself an answer is something along the lines of
"Time to die."

though not always in words, sometimes just a subtle feeling of that meaning.

This has been going on for a while. at least a month and a half. I've been carrying my will around in my pocket. I've been trying to understand, viscerally, my death. It was very useful, contemplating what I would write, in my will. It made me think of death, think of what was truly important in my life.

: your going to die. so, what really matters? what will you regret not having done? what parts of your life will you look back and consider wasted, trivial? what parts will make you able to die without regrets?

People who have serious near death experiences often have, for a short time, a new found appreciation for life. "I love the fact of my death; it has made my life possible" is a quote I find apt.

I'll tell you what I discovered, looking at my death: I love the world. I love life, and I would be sad to leave it, because I want to love it more. If there is one regret in my life it is the love I have not given.

that's it.

it's a very short will. Just a about a half a page. getting pretty beaten up, now.

here's the thing: I don't even know how to give the love, express the gratitude, that I want to.


Ok, here's why: because I'm trying.
and, as Stalking Wolf would say, the act of trying negates itself.
It's sad to say for my ego, my little needy mind with its long, thin grasping fingers and beady little eyes has been a complete failure at accomplishing anything I ever wanted it too. It just doesn't do the job.
However, there is a different configuration of mind, one that is bigger, harder to pin down, not worried, relaxed, that does things very, very well. I can't control it, but what it does, it does well.

So, when my epic fail mind tries to express gratitude, it fails. This is the way most people function.
But when my Bigger mind is allowed to be, it flows love and gratitude just fine.

Frankly, it looks like all that was wrong was a thought that kept saying, "no, you can't express gratitude, you can't love things enough!" And the associated emotional knot, the root-stock of the thought.

Some variation of this is the answer to all problems I've ever had. And, along with the often intensive and time consuming work of releasing the emotional knot, it actually, amazingly, results in life-long change. That is, to whatever extent I honestly deal with that issue, it's got that much less emotional charge, forever.

And that's why this journey is my life, my obsession: because I like being free. distracting yourself, any of the million subtle or obvious ways we do, from this process, or from the pain which is the locater beacon of where to start this process, will result in temporary alleviation from the pain, but it will keep coming back, as strong as before or stronger, until the day you die.

The extent this journey is taken is the extent to which we are free, alive, and fulfilled. Each person's journey is highly personal. And the stage of the journey I am at right now is that of becoming aware of forward movement on the path, and how it happens. Some things seem to bring progress, some things seem to bring stagnation. Getting clear on which is which seems like a good idea. As this process become clearer, it becomes quicker, which means less time necessary for dealing with the locater beacons: suffering. which means, a happier life.

is this true? find out for yourself. there is no other way. nor need there be. everything on my path has eventually proved self-validating. Though I have been supported and helped tremendously, all along the path. You can always expect help from nature on this path. that is something I've come to rely on, because it has never let me down, nor anyone I know. Sometimes it puts you through hell first, though.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

the begining of the new journey

I think the best way I could describe what some people called my 'awakening experience' three years ago is:
The beginning of the New Journey.

I do not know what it was in relation to all the various descriptors of progressing spiritual evolution. From various traditions. It only half-fits any of them. But from that point on, I have been walking half of a new path, searching for the other half.

Or you could say, walking the same path, in a new way.

many things changed with that, changed profoundly and for good. Some immediately, some gradually, as the initial shock wave reverberated throughout my psyche and my life.

And many things did not change. As I said, it feels like I walk half a path. If I was living in hell before, this is purgatory, journeying towards heaven.

It's lonely here, thus the title of the blog. The loneliness being unnecessary, but the distinct aloneness inescapable. No road, no map, no teacher, but my heart, my heart, my heart.

If I were to try to cram this into the description of "higher states of consciousness" that I am most familiar with, Maharishi's model, I would have to say that his description of Cosmic Consciousness to God Consciousness to Unity Consciousness, is not sequential but more simultaneous. Like the limbs of a baby growing. And even those limbs are external to something primary and indescribable by me, being in the midst of it and without perspective at the moment.

The one consolation I have from all this frightening uncertainty is that I know I am not making this up: this is not like anything I had imagined. This is not in anybody's maps. Though certainly many of the descriptions that other people gave and give of there journeys, are familiar. At least for now, more and more, where I'm going is becoming less and less known. No words I've heard prepare me for my next step.

I go into mystery. naked and alone, clutching my arms and shivering.

Nobody would do this unless they realized there was no other option, then nobody wouldn't.

and I would call my recent understanding of surrender, the beginning of finding the missing half. It's interesting, the only important ends I find are always beginnings. And mostly it's just cycles: up and down, clarity and confusion, happiness and depression. It seems useless to try and stop that wheel, demanding only the upstroke of the cycle. I don't spin that wheel, I can't stop it. My control is always indirect. I seek truth, I follow my heart, I surrender, and things improve. I try to control, and things deteriorate.

why wouldn't you surrender if you saw clearly that non-surrender accomplished nothing, and surrender accomplished everything?

Answer: because 'you' aren't in control of surrendering or not.

Don't act as if you have no control though. Your effort is extremely important on this path, though why and how, I do not comprehend. Grind your teeth and put in every ounce of yourself that you can into this, and pray passionately for the desire for realization that will drive you to put forth the effort necessary.

This sounds ballsy and manly, but it's not, in practice. Often what is required is not pushing yourself to extremes, but maintaining balance, and being honest.

bah. why listen to me? just a fellow traveler.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Nov. 20th, backlog

I sit at the keyboard like a statue. I kind of want to just stop. stop everything. Words come out like a psychotropic drug trip, so slow you can see them rolling down my sleeves to the computer, like marble sized ball bearings through molasses.

When I ask, "am I doing it right?"
When I see, my counterproductive habits
It's saddening. Demotivating. So I have to wonder what the point is.

The point.

Some days, like today, I literally feel like doing nothing. Like sitting on the couch as the gray day turns to twilight and night, staring off at nothing, spacing out as thoughts come and go, and emotions grip me strong enough to make me cry, then leave as quickly. As sensations move and morph through my body and mind.

Am I doing it right?
All this time, and the question still remains. I think the question will always remain, as long as I am willing to ask it. It's not about having an answer. It's about my fear, and about my trust, or lack of trust, in the universe.

Ultimately it's about neither, as I recognize the futility of waiting for understanding, to let myself relax. The world is as It is, now. I can fight it. I can accept it. Understanding it is just an excuse, either to accept it or keep from accepting it.

All I have ever found in my life is relativity. Relative truth, relative rules. Things get created in interaction, in relationship, and when that relationship changes, because one or the other thing changes, or both do, then the relationship changes, and so, it seems, do the rules.

The unchanging is unquantifiable. No rules can be derived from it, absolute for all time and occasion.

Here I am, afloat in the mysterious sea of existence. I observe interactions, I develop theory's, and hear other peoples theory's. But, like science, these theories are ultimately unprovable. Always being destroyed and disproven as deeper layers are uncovered.

Given all that complexity, the only questions I can ask are pragmatic ones. Questions which I must accept have no definite answer. Just temporarily useful answers. And the questions become very simple:

What is important?
what do I want?
how do I get it?

There are lots' of people willing to tell me there answers to these questions, but how many of them do I trust? Why are they telling me there answers? Perhaps for there own self-serving interests, perhaps because they genuinely want to help. If they genuinely want to help, can they? Are they themselves living something that I want to be living? Or are they just putting on a show.

(Let me say something right now, while we're on the subject: though I often talk about awakening and enlightenment, these are just convenient words, circumventing the true problem of defining what exactly they are, which as far as I can tell is un-communicable. I have no idea what enlightenment is. Much less idea than I used to. And you don't want what I have, whatever that is. You want something much more. Something, perhaps, that I want too. The difference being, maybe, that you think you know what that is: enlightenment, a romantic partner, financial stability; and I have no idea what it is that I want, though I am trying hard to find something.)

In any case, it seems like my search for answers may be doomed, because I am asking the wrong questions, or going about the project the wrong way. I'm assuming that there is something I can "do" that will finally eliminate this quiet emptiness and craving within me.

That's been working real well for thousands of years, right? No. So perhaps a different approach. Perhaps with the assumption that what I'm looking for is already inside me, and I simply keep running away from it, trying to find it in every place but the one it resides in.

For some reason, this is not an immediate fix. There seems to be a huge amount of blockage to discovering these things inside me. Or rather, a great pressure, pushing me out of the inside. I find that peace that passeth all understanding, that love and intimacy that is unrelyant on outside circumstances, though rejoicing in all, and then, it becomes obscured again, and forget my way back. It is highly odd. Why is that? why leave paradise?

Philosophically, it's a useless question, but practically, it's significant. If I can understand... ah, there I go again, trying to understand. But if they dynamics are clear to me, then there's a greater possibility of being able to change those dynamics.

well, it doesn't seem to be something I can consciously control, or I would have. It's a matter of what I experience. In which case, the question has already been partially answered for me: change my experience. There are plenty of techniques out there to do that. The question is, what works the best for me. And the question before that is: how do I figure that out?

Immediate options:
-just do what I've been taught when I was a little kid: TM
-try all the various modalities I've run into since then, and note which seems to work the best.
-pray for guidance
-try listening to my heart

(ok, done editing this, a week and a half later. funny, I completely disagree with the fundimental assumptions of this post. this is a good indicator that you are growing, and not stagnating: things you believed yesterday seem ludicrous, insane, the next day. If your worldview is staying the same, so are you, and in life, stagnation is death. doesn't mean it just changes, but expands to encompase previous worldviews from a larger perspective. Otherwise it's likely just window-shopping for beliefs/religions/spiritualitys.)

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I guess today is post day

orginizational details

just installed google paralytics, so I can know if anyone is actually looking at this, or if I can revert to linguistically brbl-ing my lips with my finger like a cartoon character. I set it so there is no sharing of this information with anyone else. Only I will ever see it, unless google turns evil, in which case we're all screwed anyways. However, if a lot of you have script-blocker like I do, or don't like google analytics for some reason, I can switch to... I think it's called stat meter, or something. let me know, if you care.



some zen koans I accidentally made up:

"Who's hand is up your ass?"
(think puppets)

"Reality is bigger than you think."
(think alternate meanings.)

Nov 12th, update

well, here I am. Just got back from a cross country flight, from sea-tac in Seattle to the New Jersey pine barrens, to learn herbal compounding and mixing from Tom Brown jr. It was an awesome class, we learned some powerful techniques and info, and it was really really nice, to be with family again, which this group of people has become. That's because this was a series class, meaning we had met three times before already, throughout the year, doing homework in between.

I got myself a job working at the TM-Center, doing mindless pencil-pushing tasks for a day or two a week. Which is great. Something I can focus on to ground me, doesn't take up too much time, doesn't require any commute, and I even get paid a little.

Tomorrow I'm heading out to a Survival Techniques class with the Sherwoods (they run primitive skills school I'm doing) for the weekend, and from that going directly to a nearby beach for monday and tuesday to learn clamming, archery practice, and maybe making a bow and arrow hand-guard.

I'm a bit behind: I still need to go out and buy a few odd and ends for the trip, pack, finish my pencil pushing, and do laundry (which I really, really need to do. There's no laundry machine in the house though, so I have to go out to a coin laundromat down the street.)

So feeling a bit worried, as is my habit before almost all trips. This last trip though, I didn't feel that worried. Perhaps I am finally, finally seeing the other side of this deep seated fear. Fear of forgetting, something, I think. Linked with my general fear of doing something wrong. Of wrongness in general.

I remember, back in the first two years of collage, when I was really going at the spiritual enlightenment thing as hard and fast as I could, I would get these intense feelings of wrongness. Like my heart was just screaming at me that something was wrong, that I was doing something wrong. And it would really bother me, because I could never figure out what is was, that was wrong. I think it may have been a slightly bad interpretation on my part. I don't think it was so much that my heart was telling me I was doing something wrong, but it was trying to tell me something, period, and I wasn't able to listen, didn't know how.

I'm still not really sure what to do with those "chest bursters" as I call them, but now when I feel them, I just give myself some time to pay attention to them, and try to listen, understand what they want to communicate. What I want to communicate, to myself. right (or whole) brain to left brain.

Last night I had one, and eventual got that it was answering a question I had, about my sadness at not being as strongly disciplined and persevering as I would like. The reason I am that way is that I get discouraged, because my efforts don't seem well linked to my results, in the short run. I practice something, and I see myself getting better, quickly, and then it slows and maybe even stops, and I get upset and worry that I'm just wasting my time doing something that's not actually going to get me anywhere, make me any better at whatever it is I'm doing. Music, creating, writing, exercise.

Now I've got to ask the question of how to heal that.

Ok, done (for now)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

November 3rd

I'm not sure what else to call it. I'm feeling quite homesick, and I want to connect with friends. So I'm going to chat now with whoever is listening.

I leave for New Jersey this thursday for my final herbal mixtures and compounding class. It's a fuck-load of travel for two days of instruction. Yes. But I'm doing it on principle: that is, the principle of free. This last class wasn't scheduled, it was a make up of sorts, because during our first class, Tom almost died. Literally. So he was in the hospital and we were being taught by his other instructors. It was fine, but Tom felt like giving us another class.

I'm quite fed up with traveling. Especially being in a city. I just want to drive seven fucking minutes and meet a friend for dinner and/or a walk, like I used to back in Fairfield. But I can't. I've go a friend thirty minutes away, and another an hour and a half. Everything is driving. The only thing I can do quickly is surf the internet, watch movies, read, and play music. walks are nice. Walks are very nice. I should go on a walk. Except it's dark now, so I can't go to the park. not that it's dangerous, it's just unlit, and it's a horse park, so the chances of me stepping in horse shit are almost 100%.

But I'll probably go for a walk anyways. It's necessary, right now. I think the bottom line is I am a people person. Despite my sometimes reclusive tendencies, it's not that I don't like people, it's just that I like personal time, to introspect and stuff.

I suppose if I want to hang out with friends, I can do that. Just like with everything in my life, it's not that complicated: do it, or don't do it. It's always that simple. Well, there is the additional factor of doing it and failing, but so what. If you do it enough, eventually you won't fail, and what else are you going to do?

The earthwalk school is good. Very good. It is teaching me the things I wanted to know.

Still I often hear the echo in my mind, "why are you doing this?" by which it means, why are you living out in Seattle, away from your friends, your home, your heart. Life is short, so why spend it unhappy and lonely?

I do have my reasons. No, I don't actually want to live as a recluse, but the knowledge I've got is so important, so many people are missing it and it fills their lives with a wounded emptiness, like someone cut out their heat long ago, and there is a horrible pain and fear and deadness that people have just accepted as normal, but it's not.

What I know needs to be mixed with experience so it can become wisdom and I can teach it well. Not that I see it as a job, but I people want it, and I have it, at least a little.

If, or when, I fight past the majority of my inner demons keeping me from living a full life, my joy in doing these nature skills will mean I do them on my own. Until then, this is nessisary.

It's insane, totally insane, that I am not doing the things that bring me the most joy in my life.
My reason is simple: doing what I love is more difficult. Much more difficult than distracting myself and wasting time.

Question to the universe: where do I find the streangth to live my love, despite the difficulty?

answer: what your doing right now.

sigh. it's the best answer you could get, but it does mean it's going to take time.

we all start from where we are, not from where our role models are, not from where we wish we were not from where we want to be.

we start from where we are, here, now, and the only perfection I can imagine finding in this ever-growing world is the clarity to see that this now is enough forever. If you can rest here, if I can rest here, in appreciation of what is, then that is the end of the search, the quest, the purpose of life. And when that happens, there will still be eternity, growing.

Both, not one or the other.