Monday, January 25, 2010

day 0

I've got email, thanks to Sea-Tac's free wifi. And I am waiting for a plane. So I snapped a picture and am writing something, since people seem to want to know what goes down on my trip to belize. It will probably be awesome, and perhaps the price of me doing all sorts of cool things, is to share them with other people, who are not afforded the opportunity.

There must be deeper meaning though. It's not good enough talking just to talk. Does it help? Does it inspire? does it make people smile, uplift them when they're down? I have no fucking idea how to do any of that, but I'd like to, nonetheless, and sometimes I do, miraculously. It's not something I can control though. The best I can do is keep an eye out for opportunities to do good for other people.

byron katie has an exercise, where you try and do three nice things for people, every day, without being found out. If someone finds out it was you, you have to start over. I love that game idea. I want to do it. Every now and then I try, but it's really hard to figure out things to do. Perhaps I'm thinking too big. I should remember that little things still count.

my computer is periodically making an alarming scraping sound. I'm pretty sure it's the fan, but it's still unnerving. The whole idea of this teeny little netbook was it would be travel-friendly because it had solid-state memory, so no moving parts to break. But the way it sounds, it might be on it's way out. But perhaps it will manege for another year or two. if I can get four years out of it, it will have been worth the price (400$) And I'll get another one, hopefully slightly better quality (read: no alarming fan problems) and a bigger screen and a longer battery life.

jeesus, it's really going. it's probably just a loose screw, but it's quite irritating. maybe I can send it to the computer shop when I get back?

Anyways, I think I'll post everything when I get back, not now. If simply because this fan is really irritating me, and it would be frustrating if my computer died mid-sentence.

[note from much later on: I think it's the fan, as it only happens when the laptop gets really hot, so I just have to coddle it and move it to a cool surface if I do long-term work on it. This is how we step by step get lead into making ridiculous compromises for technology.]


I'm heading off to the airport in a few hours, heading to belize for twelve days, and adventure. I'm not sure for what part of that I'll have internet contact. I will update as I can. Don't expect anything over that time though. I'll be trying to keep a journal and take lots of pictures.

see ya later.


Sunday, January 24, 2010

head in the sky, feet in the mud: A quiet Tree

I now understand where I may have gotten my feeling of not wanting to do any of the options offered: my dad (thanks malcolm!). He started off wanting to be a math professor, and then, in collage, realizing he wouldn't be able to be the best at it, thought, "what's the point, if I'm not going to be the best?" and went to law school. Finishing law school (at Harvard, no less) he realized, "hey, being a lawyer sucks." and went to the peace core. Which was fun, and got him some good shirts and a problem with spicy foods. And then finally he found a spiritual organization to be a part of, "ah, this is what I want. Get enlightened. Finally, something worth doing."

And that's basically where I landed, abit without the benefit of law school. Spiritual revelation has such a deep and powerful sense of meaning, that every worldly pursuit pales in comparison to the meaningfulness and return on investment in searching for God.

The reason I got myself into all the nature skills I did, was I looked around me and saw a lot of ungrounded people. People who were afraid of living, and so lived in there heads, in there meditation halls, and only interacted with the world as much as necessary to maintain life support. And I saw I was one of those people, deeply one of those people, and I wanted out. Still for my same old reason of spiritual enlightenment, of course, but now that phrase had more significance. It meant something bigger. It meant Life. And that meant the really, truly scary thing, living, had to be faced. So I started facing it. It was scary as all hell and it hurt and I was really bad at following through with it. But I kept pushing, and eventually I looked back, and life was better, really, truly better, for my journey. And that is something that I couldn't say of all my mental-spiritual merry-go-rounds. Spiritual highs are wonderful, but they go. Life is what is left behind. So if you really want all the nice stuff talked about in spiritual circles, you need to bring the spirit to the earth. That is the whole point of this thing called 'enlightenment.'

I mean, reality is already reality, God is already Everything. If realizing that was enlightenment, then that would be a quick trip. What makes it a life long journey, and what makes that realization juicy, is living that reality.

That's what I'm working on now. And it may call for doing something other than 'spiritual' stuff.

I'm not sure whether that means I have to find something I'm passionate about, or if I have to find- oh, ok, I guess I do know, because it can't be that, and it must be more like finding the passionate part of myself. The part that cares, about life, about living. About doing stuff. Maybe I don't have to be passionate about it. maybe it's enough to just quietly love chopping the wood and carrying the water. That seems more doable.

There's a sign on my recycling bin, I didn't put it there, it says, "tree's love quietly." that's true of me, too.

Friday, January 22, 2010

The Temple of Dance

Went to an ecstatic dance tonight. The guy in charge opened sacred space (he was a bit shamanic), and then put on some good dance tunes, and everyone danced for a few hours in an attractive non-denominational church at the university.

That, my friends, is my kind of religious service.

side note: at first, I was surprised, because there were other guys there, but it turned out that they were all probably gay. Being a straight male dancer is highly unusual. Especially when it's not partner-dance. This is generally a good thing, because you are a rare commodity. But it also means, you will feel alien, in any classes you attend.

And the fact that it's a rare commodity doesn't end up mattering, for me. I don't like doing choreography and I don't try to impress women to get them to like me.

I figure the best policy is to be who you are, and that way, if they still like you, you've just eliminated the number one cause of problems in a relationship: that is, actually getting to know the other person.

Meanwhile I work on improving myself in whatever direction feels right. And by improving myself, I really mean, becoming myself. Improving yourself is a loosing game. In it, you've already decided that you are not good enough as is.

I prefer to assume I am perfect, but I'm not fully expressing my perfect self yet.
That's a winning game.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Scylla and Charybdis


a cool breeze clears the eyes
a cool breeze clears the eyes

Let us talk of sacred things.
walks in the cold night air.
I want to bath myself, in cold water.
Cold, because I want to clean my spirit, not my body.
I want to be awakened, and shudder at the touch of something intense, something that breaths life into me, that the warm, stuffy, artificially lighted building has sucked out.

I want to speak about many different things.

I don't want this blog to become something self indulgent. It already has become somewhat self-indulgent, but in the sense that it gives me a feeling of connection to friends, which I miss.

If it ever becomes self-indulgent in the way artists become egoic, that is, "look what I've made, aren't I so great" then it will be time for me to shut it down.


Promises. Vows. Perhaps I should restrict my computer time, and my indoor time. like a parent with a child. Except me to myself. It's not something I've done before. I wonder if I could maintain it?

One the one side (of the rock and the hard place) is being too attached and controlled by sense-desires. On the other side (the Charybdis) is loss of compassion. if you move to much away from one, the other will get you.

It's primarily an Indian wording, talking about the Senses controlling the mind, rather than the mind controlling the senses. This is like when men chase skirts, or dogs chase balls, or businesspeople chase dollars. There is some sense, that is overruling our better judgment. We just really want that cookie, even though we know it's bad for us.

My primary one, that I think of right now, is Story. I crave for endings. I crave the secret behind the mystery. I want to know how it ends. I want to see it end happily. I want to be complete. This is the force that drives you on to read a book, watch a movie, late into the night. We desperately want to know that the character (which we've associated with us.) is going to be ok. Is going to find what they've been searching for.

And that's not how it works.

That's not how it works, with any of the senses. That's not how it works, with the mind craving for the how of things.

We search for satisfaction in such small things. Sex, food, television, relationship, job, money, fame. At there best, they provide a few brief shots of fulfillment. maybe five minutes for every month of searching for them. And then it's gone. And we keep searching. I realized long ago it was a fools game, and no one who played it won. So I started looking for a game that was winnable. Enlightenment promised to be that game, and looked promising, with some good customer reviews, from a lot of spiritual big-wigs. It was the best option I could find.

And it has delivered, partially. "Partially" means it has moved me more and more in the direction of an underlying fulfilment that doesn't come and go with "things." But, it hasn't gotten rid of that aspect. Maybe I just need to meditate more, as my first dogma/system suggests. I don't think that can possibly be correct. I found the meditation my parents taught me to be extremely useful. I can't think of a more useful single thing I did than regularly practice meditation. But it's bullshit when they say that's all you need. You need YOU. You need sincerity. And eventually, you need to listen to the voice of something bigger, moving you through life, to where you need to be, to what you need to do.

The shit gets hard and scary sometimes, and you somehow need to find a way to weather through it, and if that's faith in the Lord Jesus or a personal vendetta against God, I don't think it really matters, as long as it gets you to the next step. (I think eventually you'd need to replace the "vendetta against God" motivation, once life started getting nice and you no longer hated him(her).)

There are people on the spiritual path that are spinning their wheels. All of us do, at one time or another. But there are those who have been spinning their wheels for decades, and those ruts they're creating are getting pretty deep. And that's sad. Because either they're going to die in the same place, or something drastic and probably extremely uncomfortable (though possibly really nice, depending on the karma (call it luck, if you prefer)) is going to shake them out of it.

Here is a good way to avoid really bad things happening to you: pay attention. Because nature will almost always give you relatively gentle signs that you are stuck or going the wrong direction. The scope of how often and precisely nature does this is nothing short of miraculous, though usually the vehicle looks quite mundane. Doesn't matter. Listen carefully, and nature doesn't have to get out the bat.

I don't have any more I can say, express, comprehensibly. I am dealing with surrender, though that word is a poor shadow of what I 'm dealing with. What I am feeling trying to flow through my heart is something amazing and mundane and miraculous and real, as real as your chair and the feelings you have right now.

All this stuff, that's happening to me, around enlightenment, is organic. I can't think of a really appropriate word. By organic I mean... like, fleshy. Like a body. it's very real. It has ligaments and muscles. It works a certain way, and it has certain limits, and if you want it to do something there is a specific process you go through. And it's not exact, it's sticky and one thing kind of flows into another, with only occasional clear boundaries, and even those, are pressed up right against each other.

Especially now, as I'm dealing with action. action in the world, as opposed to thinking. I'm very good at thinking, and creating in the mental realm. I'm good at listening to and telling stories. But even just me walking outside in the cold air and moving the garbage and recycling bins to the side of the street, cannot even be approximated.... well, actually, maybe they can be... huh.

but required of any writing that accurately approximates reality, is something that ties it in with a shared experience. I need to write and conjure up a memory of the readers. That's the only way you get close to reality.

But even then, we have our stories about life, and then there is life. And so many of the stories I've read, just don't describe life well. Hell, even the "true" stories, don't describe themselves well.

Because of the multi-dimensionality of living, verses verse. I told you about my trip to take out the trash. But did I tell you the colors of the recycling bin? the order I did everything? the feeling of the sticky handle? the spiritual change the cool night air brought about? The thoughts that went through my head in that short trip? I've been trying to write about them this whole post.

And I wouldn't care, except I'm trying to learn how to live, and when a story creates an image inside me, and then I try to create that image, act out that story, in the world, and it doesn't work, because real life doesn't work like I imagined it did... then I feel sad, and powerless. wisdomless, because some bit of wisdom I learned in a book, or from a mouth, refers to a fictional reality, that works differently than mine.

This is not really a problem, just a problematic approach. I'm trying, (dreamer and mind-dweller that I am) to gain an understanding of the world, from imaginary worlds. Change the approach to gaining an understanding of the world, from the world, and suddenly the teaching stories become potent tools, pointing the direction for fruitful exploratory action.

But it's really fucking scary; doing stuff, taking risks, doing something new, in the real world. Going to a strange new place, talking to people I don't know, trying to date, trying to change myself, trying be more disciplined, trying to surrender to what my heart directs.

The lesson for today is: Do not be afraid of Death.

This is the lesson because it's the answer to the internal dialog whenever you are asked to trust and act on something that frightenes you.

The Big One: Do (fill in the blank)
little me: but what if it's not right? what if something bad happens?
B1: it's the right thing
lm: but what if something I don't want happens
B1: what's the worst that could happen
lm:... Death, I guess.
B1: and what's the worst that could happen, if you don't do it.
lm: ...I guess that would also be death... I guess that could happen any way.
B1: and do you have any clue what is the right thing to do?
lm: honestly, just you.
B1: and I'm telling you to do it.
lm: I'd rather just think a bit and delay. if I do nothing, or just do what I'm comfortable with, it feels like its less likely something bad will happen.
B1: like death.
lm: yeah, if you take it back far enough.
B1: Don't fear death. fear never living. as you are doing right now, every second you delay doing what your heart knows is right. Maybe you will die. But at least you will be closer to having lived. And nature, God, will protect those, who give themselves to him(her). To Me. To You.

That's surrender. I'm not good at it. I'm afraid. I'm a slow learner. I'm good at weaseling out of facing it. But I'm not giving up. Because, frankly, it's the only game in town, for me. Compared to this, there is nothing worth doing, in my world. (I say, "compared" because everything is worth doing. But this is a whole different caliber, dimension, level, of "worth doing.")

Dual Forces

there is the voice that wants me to do the right thing.
then, there is the voice that criticizes me for not being good enough.

these are two separate processes, but they have intermingled like some kind of unholy redneck marriage, and the result is that when I try to do better I end up criticising myself and feeling awful. It's approximately like that guy from clockwork orange, where he's been conditioned to feel really bad whenever he tries to do violence or listen to Beethoven's 9th symphony.

Not actually connected, but conditioned. And something that needs to be dealt with, if I want to achieve and not feel like a fuckwit.

Because these two forces are in fact in opposition, though they at first glance seem aligned. The voice that is constantly criticizing saps my will to act, since there is the unconscious knowledge that no matter what I do, it won't be good enough for the inner critic.

The inner critic isn't bad, I think, but out of balance.

maybe there's more to the whole story. I'm sure there must be, or this problem would have been resolved already.

oh yeah, surrender. it's never where you thought it would be; the solution. It's tricky because it's not a thought. So the mind keeps running in circles, looking for an answer that is not within it's ken. at least now I have a little reminder tag that says to the mind, "stop looking: the answer is not accessible by you. Allow the larger, tectonic force to move you gently to the actual solution."

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Me right now = James Bond + Cookie Monster

I just ate a whole bunch of chocolate chip cookies that I just baked instead of dinner, and for lunch I had the huge stir-fry with quinoa I made, plus three almost whole, fried Smelt (since we were learning about candle-fish in class, and how to clean fish) and I feel sick now, and have a head-ache from too much staring at the glowing screen in front of me.

I regret nothing.

(said with the same intonation as a secret agent being tortured for information, refusing to crack.)


--is scary shit. Generally, things do not go according to my plans. Generally, I am not what would be considered traditionally 'successful.' with women, with work, with life. But every now and then, things align just right and everything seems to be going my way and I feel like I'm king of the world. And that feeling of, "yeah, I'm pretty good." scares the shit out of me.

Because I though that was a sin I'd gotten a handle on. I think the truth of the matter may be that I just don't general have situations that trigger it.

Its like today, after learning how to get out the sinew from a dear leg, which involves cutting stuff apart in a very surgical way, I was sitting, touching my wrist joint, noticing the similarity between it and the deer foot. Holding my penis while peeing, noticing the similarity between the thin outside skin and the intestine we were soaking and then drying, to use as cordage. And thinking: "yeah, I guess I could be a serial killer. You just cut stuff up like I did today." It's just something that human beings can do. Something horribly destructive, to life, but something that actually happens. Serial killing. Pride.

Yeah, it disturbed me. It's unsettling to see something dark within you. But it's there, within all of us. I would not recommend focusing on the serial killer in you, because whatever you put attention on, it's like that's what you are watering in the garden of self. But I would recommend becoming aware of the darkness within you. It does you no good to cover your ears and go, "la la la I can't here you your not there."

Know thy enemy.
Know thy self.

The awareness of your own very real vulnerability to Pride, or destruction, or whatever, is your best defense against it. It is the parts of ourselves that we aren't aware of, that end up running our lives in a bad way. It's hard to be prideful when doing so makes you nauseous, and you are constantly on guard for it happening. As soon as you let down your alertness, that's when you might get into trouble.

Here's an excellent example, that I keep an eye out for, and have developed a healthy fear of: spiritual people, who have some great experience/realization/training, and proclaim themselves above sin. Nothing I can do is wrong, they say.

That is fucking poison.

from another perspective, meant another way, it can be true, it can be nourishing. To realize, you can't screw it up. Life is a classroom and mistakes are lessons, so there is no real failure.

But the prideful belief that now, suddenly, for some reason, you have been elevated above the ability to sin, so now you can just do whatever you want...

Whenever it's a human mind, thinking that thought, it is an ego, playing games with its new favorite spiritual experience toy.

This sounds complicated, but it gets very simple when you just follow JC's advice and judge them by there fruits ("by there fruits ye shall know them" or some such.) Just look at all the crazies, some of which were distinguished spiritual personages, some of which were totally insane cult leaders who would excuse there bad behavior with with some derivative of what I just mentioned.

And then look at all the saintly people who were just good and kind and loving. There's no need to excuse there behavior. And they still made mistakes, but they were honest about them. they never claim to be perfect human beings, beyond the ability to be egoic.

I'm not so worried about the nut-jobs who use this excuse, but I am cautious because of the genuinely spiritually powerful people, who still fell into traps, of weird sex stuff or pride stuff or paranoia stuff or whatever.

You don't even have to go spiritual with this. It often happens with famous people too. The popularity fucks them up. The success fucks them up. The money, the power, fucks them up. Good people. People you'd want to be friends with. Sometimes great people.

I look at it, and I cringe at the realisation that many of these people are way stronger than me, and I used to cling to the fear that it could be me, like I'd cling to a security blanket.

Now that's beginning to morph into less of a fear and more of a humility and simple truthfulness about where I am, and where I'm not. What I know, and what I don't know.

what I am is something very simple and human. what I know is too little to put into words. and even the working knowledge I have, is extremely limited.

It's satisfying, and joyful. because, though I am not superhuman or omniscient, I can love people, and enjoy the beauty of life. And I can learn, and I can admit I don't know, or am wrong.

and I'm proud of that.

(much anger at blogger for being a lb (little bitch) and not letting me post pictures and moves onto my blog. YOU HAVE A FUCKING "INSERT PICTURE" BUTTON DANMIT, IT SHOULD FUCKIGN WORK! YOUR GOOGLE, YOU HAVE THE BEST PROGRAMMERS IN THE WORLD WORKING FOR YOU. bastards.)

Monday, January 18, 2010


just watched some Dr. Who, the new version. It's kind of exactly what I want to do with my life, except with horrible acting and story. So it's a bit confusing how I feel about it. It is one of my biggest fantasys of all time, so I'm happy it exists, just for that reason. But good god, the writing and acting make me cringe. Maybe I'll try the old version and see if it's better.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

surrender, 4th iteration

surrender, rememberd, forgotten, 4th time since the 49% to 51% shift.

points of note:
surrender is forgotten, then remembered. forgetfulness is the only way we could play the game of life seriously. so it's not a bad thing, it's a "we want this" thing.

surrender is not an instant 100% thing. It is something you practice, and learn. as I'm trying to do.

One of the most challenging and enjoyable things in my entire life, is being present. especially when it is difficult to do so: that is, the times when I would normally distract myself with various addictions, friends, Internet, worrying, meditating, inquiring, thinking, eating. When, instead, I have the clarity to remember, "just stay with it, completely open eyed" it is absolute love, whatever the pain may be. This is very difficult to do, but it is worth every drop, a hundred times over.

There is no reason to hold back anything. Go for what you know to be worth going for. You cannot go for it too much. No effort is lost, on this path (paraphrase, from the Bhagavad-Gita).

dating, the secret shadow government is our bitches, rule the world

was sitting in the library, reading "the idiots guide to dating" and parents called, and then, looking up and gazing off in front of me as we talked, I saw the two books from the movie about the girl who made it big blogging. right in front of me. Yes, sometimes nature is stupidly blatant. This is not something to be proud of, this means I'm so dense nature needs to get drastic sometimes to get points across.

I guess that girl is living the dream: she made it big, now she's famous and successful. Once again though, I am reminded of how profoundly "the dream" is a lie. a total fabrication. "everyone can make it big in america, if they just try!" bullshit. triple bullshit. These "lucky" cases are the the proverbial bone tossed to the rest of us, the abusive parents lies about getting the kid a big present, if they keep behaving.

That is a lie to keep the huge mass of people who work themselves down to zero energy, all just for food and shelter, and a week or two off a year to sleep off all the excessive fatigue there jobs have created on them. Is it worth it? It's safe though, and I suppose that's what keeps people in horrible situations. It is like an abusive relationship, where we are in a crappy situation but afraid to leave it because the alternative might be worse.

I don't blame some kind of shadow government for putting me in the situation I'm in. granted, there are many elements of our current system that were intentional designed by a few to enslave the many. But blaming "those people" is cowardly. And it is a declaration that you are powerless. That is what the people creating systems of control want.

The truth is, we are not powerless, or anything remotely close to that. We are extraordinarily powerful. Our muscles may have atrophied, but the bottom line is our potential, our natural birthright, is like that of God. We have created our own creation and then stepped into it, and mostly, forgot.

I'm just reminding anyone who cares to listen, you have the option to say no to the current paradigm, and begin creating a personal creation that is joyful and fulfilling. The mechanisms in the universe are there, to carry you forward, teach you, lead you to your truth, to your power, to your joy. At it asks in return is sincerity. heh, and a bit of patience. But it is awaiting your command, like an abandoned control console for the universe. Your abandoned control consul. find it, if you want.

Saturday, January 16, 2010


I get the late assignments, because I was too anal about going to bed on time, and the universe decided to beat it out of me. thank you.

grocery list:
a good man

To bring to a friends dinner:
rice pudding
the end of an avocado

watched a movie about a girl who got famous through her blog about cooking. This medium fascinates voyeurs and egoists. we are all each. I wonder, if the reason she was happy is she gets to do what she wants, or if she can finally make money, doing something she likes, or if she was happy to have a more glamorous life that sounded important.

Money and the idea of money is a seductress of little children's dreams. It trades them their superhero-dom, there astronaut-hood, for a nickle, a quarter. Who do you think is getting ripped off?

The lie is that we can't live without money --or-- that money is important, can get you what you need. It's a lie. I'm not going to tell you why. think for your self.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

the cold night air breathes me life

why is it always at night, right before I want to go to bed, that the ideas come like pushy drunks?

it's somebody else's image, but I like it: drawing up words like water from a deep deep well. Cool and refreshing and ancient like the earth it came from.

and my favorite place is the white space between lines, between words, letters.

the pausing

one of the best things in life for me is the moments of unflinching. the experience of something so intense; pain, loss, heartbreak, fear, loving appreciation, that it makes you want to turn away. makes you want to crawl into some comforting distraction; food, sex, video. reading. talking.

and not.

not going there, not going away from here. being with it. wide eyed and cold and vulnerable like a newborn, covered in blood.

I like this.

good night.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

which one are you?

I'm this one, in case you were wondering.

I wonder why I'm not asleep right now?

diamond mind, diamond heart.

a sparkling gem, thousands of facets. frozen solidified colored light. value, extreme value.

Sometimes I see the entire world as embedded in a diamond. It is frozen, just this moment, this one moment now, solid in this ultra-precious perfect, indestructible, completely clear material. Every hair is exactly placed within this diamond, and it's exact placement is thought through with the utmost care. each particle of being is imbued with profound meaning, and with specific, absolutely essential purpose. and with dazzling, sparkling beauty, finely crafted by the most meticulous, expert artist.

There is not a speck out of place. Nothing to move or change in this perfect world called right now.

Someone made a clever remark about the symbology of the diamond. If you separate the sounds out, it becomes "die mind." which it symbolizes. The state of the mind dying, and only the unbroken intelligence of the universe remaining. And this is perhaps what it sees.

People thing the mind dieing is a loss. But it's no more a loss than a pond having a wall separating it from the ocean getting knocked down. Even less. The only thing you loose is concepts, the only thing you loose is that which is not, the only thing you loose is everything.

it's worth it.

Sometimes, I have sex with you, when your not looking.

sometimes I fall in love with someone from a few words, from the inflection of the voice, from an anecdote or two.

sometimes, my heart burns, literally burns in my chest, like it's on fire, like I'm on fire. Like tonight. I want to do something with this person. I want to have sex with them and marry them and be with them always. Right now. and I am blocked from doing so. and it burns like an inferno consuming me.

now, I've found at least the beginning of a solution. It started with me realizing that the one blocking me from having what I wanted was me, and by the same token, I could let myself have what I wanted. So now, when my heart burns and my spirit lusts for a dream of a girl I want utterly, I let myself have her, have it, and I make fabulous love with the patterns of light and feeling that are her body. It is desperate need fulfilled, and it feels a little bit like masturbation, in that I worry I won't pursue actual women, because if I want them I can just have them, immediately and unreservedly.

But that's not exactly how it works.

though it is partially.

I will no longer pursue woman based on a feeling of fundamental lack that I think they can fulfil. I will no longer pursue ideas of women that I have become infatuated with, taping paper masks to strangers faces and falling in love with my crudely drawn images.

Because those are things that they cannot give me, and they are things that I can give myself.

I'm not sure I can accurately describe the reason I would pursue women now. not because it is complex but because it is simple, too simple for words. Because i want to, because it is right.

I made deviled eggs today, and ate a few, and I just farted and it smelled like eggs.

also, later this evening, I made rice pudding.

this makes me very happy.

Monday, January 11, 2010

monkey noises

back in seattle
very tired
only nine thirty
I love sleep

Sunday, January 10, 2010

the days are just packed.

I've had so many perfect days lately.

for instance, I got stuck in Phoenix for two days traveling back from mexico. I met a Mexican girl coming back from a family visit. She just happened to be right behind me in the ungodly long line at the ticket re-booking and ass-f(*ing counter. since we had about an hour together, we bonded, as lost people tend to. and then got sent to the same hotel over night, and she came over to my table for dinner and talked about jobs and school.

various members of my extended family called to make sure I was ok, to help me with whatever they could.

I met an awesome ticket agent at the end of the first day of waiting on standby at the end of a list that was 50 people long. She was a grandma, though a young one, and booked me on a lone first-class seat that would get me out of Phoenix at the end of the next day, instead of having to be in transit for the whole day, which allowed me to visit the botanical gardens that day.

being driven (I love not having to drive) back to the hotel by the courtesy shuttle, I joked around with the other people. Because I recognized one of them from the ticket line, and I because I had something to talk about, that was universally interesting and relatable by everyone.

The testing of my physical and mental and emotional limits, actually puts into contrast how much I love and appreciate life. Even in the worst shit storm, there is beauty and gratitude. Even in scary situations, there is a basic safety of being.

These things are taken for granted and forgotten, just living a normal life. It takes some trials to bring out the sweetness.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

don't fail at love

I think I think to much, and act to little. Often when I was younger, I would think as an excuse for not doing something that scared me, but was probably the right thing to do. It was like a stall tactic. I certainly didn't do it consciously, but looking back, I can see how I just couldn't face the fear of failure, fear of not being good enough. Those things really scare me. what if I put in my all and it turns out I'm a nothing, untalented, stupid, forgotten within a generation or two. Squandering resources while successful people accomplish big things.

The real fear of putting in my all is that I will have a crystal clear vision of my worth reflected in my accomplishments, and if my accomplishments are mediocre then that means so am I.

And I have been convinced that I am mediocre. My attempts at relationships when I was younger proved that to me. I was a complete failure at having a romantic relationship. At even starting one. So it seems perfectly reasonable to my subconscious that I must really be a failure as a person, since i have failed at that most basic and important task of having someone of my choosing love me.

At the same time as I feel this way, irrationally and emotionally, I am aware that this thinking is only hampering whatever my potential is, and serves no positive use.

And the clarity of that understanding means I cannot do that any more. Not willingly.

I think it's likely I will continue to be timid and avoid really putting in effort. But from experiences with previous cycles of growth, it seems very likely it will be diminishing, and learning how to act directly and not get lost in mental mires, will be growing. It's exciting, very exciting, and also scary. I may have to face directly now or soon, my intense fears of being worthless and a failure. And to face those fears is to feel them, and they feel like ouchie.

U2, "it's a beautiful day", silence.

servant seeks master. dreamer seeks dream.

I want someone to tell me when to take a shit, when to brush my teeth. I want my life organized for me. Someone to remind me when to do what I need to do, and they say, "time to take a shower." and I sigh and wait a few seconds and then get up and go do it, because mine as well, and somebody's telling me to.

I can have that for myself, it feels like. To do so, I think I need a dream, a vision, a passion. Something internal to inspire me, to give me a reason to get up and brush my teeth, to do life. But I don't have one, and whenever i try to find one, it fails because it doesn't feel right. It's like I'm too picky, but it's more a feeling. I think something is just fundamentally wrong with how I am approaching dreaming up a motivating passion.

ah, of course. It's like everything else: it must be found within, not created from without. Otherwise it will feel fake, artificial, and "not good enough." As it does.

And this continually brings me back to this same question, again and again: what do you want?

and I've realized I'm not good at answering that question. I'm better at being flexible, at letting other people's wants come before mine, of just going with what's going on. That's not bad, in balance, but I don't even know how to listen to my own desires often. I need to learn that. Where the hell else am I going to find vision? A fucking astrology chart?

from the Brihadaranyaka Upanishad

"In the beginning was the Self alone, in the form of Purusha, the mighty Person.
In previous times (purva) he burnt up (ush) all evil, thus he is called Purusha.
With this knowledge one devours all rivals.

Looking around, he saw no one else.
Then Purusha spoke, and his first words were: "I am."
Thus was I-ness born.
And even now, when a person is asked, "who is it?" he replies first "It is I," and then adds his name.

But then Purusha became frightened--as even now we become frightened when alone.
He thought to himself:
"Since there is nothing but myself, what is there to be frightened of?"
Thereupon his fears dissolved, as he realized they were groundless.
For truly, fear is born of duality.
But still he was not happy, for there is no happiness in being alone.
He wanted a companion, so he grew as large as a man and woman entwined, and then divided himself in two, creating a husband and a wife.
(For, as Yajnyavalkya used to say, this body is but half of oneself, the other half is woman.)
Thus his emptiness was filled by a woman.
They came together again, and from there union were born all people.

But then the woman thought:
"How could he join with me when he has created me from himself? I must hide."
So she took the form of a cow, but he took the form of a bull, and joined with her again.
And from their union were born all cows.

Then she took the form of a mare, but he took the form of a stallion and joined with her again.
Then [fuck this repetitive shit. they do the same thing for "ass's (seriously, that's the translation. I assume they mean donkeys. goats, sheep]

In this way he created the male and female of all creatures--even down to the ants.

Then he thought:
"Truly, I am the whole creation, for I have created everything from my own Self.:
Hence he is called Shrishi, the creator.

Whoever awakens to this become as great as Purusha in his own creation.


this is a little excerpt I just read from Alistair Shearer and Peter Russell's translation.

some of it's a bit weird and maybe there's a cultural context I'm missing, but I quite like it as a creation story, as it relates to me intimately. It also works with the title/theme of this blog. I kind of like the idea that God doesn't like being lonely either. And that he does like having sex, alot.


Guinea Pig I

I like Gandhi's autobiography for two reasons:
one: he's very truthful and doesn't conceal his shortcomings very much.
two: he talks about how he had made his whole life an experiment. He didn't just believe one thing or another, he heard of a way of doing things, and then he tried it and saw how it worked.
three: it's a story about someone who was fairly successful as a person, and I'm always interested in what it is that makes people successful. Though my researches have shown that it is only half controllable: you need certain characteristics, and you need dumb luck.

and yes, I am aware that in general 3 does not = 2. but it can. For instance, two sticks of butter might = three cups of butter. Or two people might equal three people eventually, if they get their giggy on.

The main point I'm thinking about now though, is point two; making your life an experiment. That seems like the thing to do. Another famous person who did that (not movie-star famous. this person actually did something useful for his fame) is Buckminster Fuller. He said many times that after his eye-opening spiritual experience that kept him from committing suicide, he decided to make his life an experiment, to see what one man could do for the world... lets see if I can find the exact quote.

... not so far, except for the tidbit that he gave himself the nickname, "Guinea Pig B" to signify that his life was his experiment. But did find some awesome other ones:

"We must do away with the absolutely specious notion that everybody has to earn a living. It is a fact today that one in ten thousand of us can make a technological breakthrough capable of supporting all the rest. The youth of today are absolutely right in recognizing this nonsense of earning a living. We keep inventing jobs because of this false idea that everybody has to be employed at some kind of drudgery because, according to Malthusian-Darwinian theory, he must justify his right to exist. So we have inspectors of inspectors and people making instruments for inspectors to inspect inspectors. The true business of people should be to go back to school and think about whatever it was they were thinking about before somebody came along and told them they had to earn a living."

"The Things to do are: the things that need doing, that you see need to be done, and that no one else seems to see need to be done. Then you will conceive your own way of doing that which needs to be done — that no one else has told you to do or how to do it. This will bring out the real you that often gets buried inside a character that has acquired a superficial array of behaviors induced or imposed by others on the individual."

"I live on Earth at present, and I don't know what I am. I know that I am not a category. I am not a thing — a noun. I seem to be a verb, an evolutionary process — an integral function of the universe."

OK, here it is:

...I set about fifty-five years ago (1927) to see what a penniless, unknown human individual with a dependent wife and newborn child might be able to do effectively on behalf of all humanity in realistically developing such an alternative program. Being human, I made all the mistakes there were to be made, but I learned to learn by realistic recognition of the constituent facts of the mistake-making and attempted to understand what the uncovered truths were trying to teach me."

I translate that as: he made his life an experiment, to see if even someone in as unpromising conditions as him could make a difference. He made a lot of mistakes, but he learned from them.
a few more I liked:

"Dare to be naïve."

"I think it's absolutely touch-and-go whether we're going to make it. But the point is, for me to tell you that you have an option is not to be optimistic... Time and again, of course I am running into millions who don't know we have the option, because it's invisible, and I feel I have tremendous responsibility. So when people ask me to come and talk to them, I do my best to let them know they do have the option. Of course they're pessimistic, not knowing that."

"The courage to cooperate or initiate are based entirely on the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth as the divine mind within you tells you the truth is. It really does require a courage and a self-disciplining to go along with that truth."

"I never try to tell anybody else what to do, number one. And number two, I think that's what the individual is all about. Each one of us has something to contribute. This really depends on each one doing their own thinking, but not following any kind of rule that I can give out, any command. We're all on the frontier, we're all in a great mystery — incredibly mysterious. Each one possesses exactly what each one is working out, and what each one works out relates to their particular set of circumstances of any one day, or any one place around the world."

"I have to say, I think that we are in some kind of final examination as to whether human beings now, with this capability to acquire information and to communicate, whether we're really qualified to take on the responsibility we're designed to be entrusted with. And this is not a matter of an examination of the types of governments, nothing to do with politics, nothing to do with economic systems. It has to do with the individual. Does the individual have the courage to really go along with the truth?"

"Integrity of the individual is what we're being judged for and if we are not passing that examination, we don't really have the guts, we'll blow ourselves up. It will be all over. I think it's all the difference in the world."

"The question of integrity will get finer and finer and more delicate and more beautiful."

"Every child has an enormous drive to demonstrate competence. If humans are not required to earn a living to be provided survival needs, many are going to want very much to be productive, but not at those tasks they did not choose to do but were forced to accept in order to earn money. Instead, humans will spontaneously take upon themselves those tasks that world society really needs to have done."

this is all taken from wiki-quotes. so it may be misattributed, may be plagiarized, whatever. but regardless, it's good stuff.


in pheonix, during my forced vacation extension, I visited the desert botanical gardins. they were very cool. I talked to some interesting trees. On the way over, I noticed a meter in the taxi-cab that read, "Sextras"

I was confused, and a little worried, because the digital counter below it read "1" and I wondered if this was like with some shady massage parlors, or if the cabbie was hitting on me.

Upon closer inspection, it was a dollar sign, that looked like an S, next to the word "extras"

Also, the cab ride back was about five bucks less, and I wondered if the first cabbie did a run-around on me, or if the roads were just weird. Maybe he gave me a sextra without me knowing about it, and charged me for it.

in either case, I like the new word, and am adding it to my vocabulary. To create a definition, Sextras are extra's of a sexual nature.

And, come to think of it, another word jumps out at me from this: $ex.
I like the connotations. For instance, if you are going to engage in intercourse with a prostitute, you would be having $ex, or if you've got a significant other or one night stand who is using you for, or attracted to you because of, your money, when you two are copulating, that would also be considered $ex.

I think a secondary meaning could be ostentatious or gaudy sex, like having sex while wearing lots of diamonds, or in a really expensive hotel suite.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

describe the space around you

life is full of wonderful things, amazing things, beautiful things. and it hurts, and I want more, and I'm scared sometimes and I'm invincible, and I'm vulnerable.
I don't know what I want.
I don't know what to do.
I think I am not doing enough.

all is well. full of gratitude and love and learning. I cannot do it wrong.

How to describe this?

Monday, January 4, 2010

You. Here.

this post is about and for whoever reads this blog. I am curious. I'm letting you people be voyeurs of my life, now it's time for you to lift your britches: tell me what you think of this blog. I am curious what will come out, all is fair game: post anonymously, be vengeful, bitter, erotic, unrelated, truthful, loving. or just write whatever comes to mind first without filtering or spell checking or thinking.


Sunday, January 3, 2010

I'm going to blow the shit out of that fucking plane

aside from being a dirty double entente, haven't you ever had the almost uncontrollable urge to shout shit like:
--"holy fuck motherfuckers I'm strapped down with seventy five goddamn pounds of C4!"


"I have a everloving shiv in my boot and I'm going to kill all of your asses dead as soon as we get off the shitasscocking ground!"--

when your in the airport security line? No? Just me then. It's just so deliciously naughty. So taboo. You are really, really not allowed to say those things. People will jump you and beat you down with billy clubs and you will be locked in a room until your bags are searched and your family notified and your background checked, and you will probably be severely fined, and you might just stir everyone around you into a panic. Or, even more deliciously, you might just make everyone pause, in a moment of dumbstruck unbelieving awe, and then burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of what just happened.

even just a turrets style ejaculation of "I'mma gonna crash the plaaaaaaaaane!" said almost like a five year olds plea to go to the bathroom mixed with a ganstah's death threat. even just that would probably get you in serious horse shit. and somehow that fascinates me. I would miss all my flights. I would waste a tremendous amount of money, I would probably be put on watch lists for the rest of my life, I might not get to fly out at all. Or maybe: nothing. some uncomfortable stares. silence.

Oh, by the way, these musings happen because it is night and I am not in seattle, but in Phoenix, arizona, at an airport hotel, because my flight is canceled, because there weren't enough people to man the planes, because whether hit some places where whether wasn't expected to hit, right during the holiday season, and the airlines are only legally allowed to have there pilots fly a certain number of houres without sleeping. thankfully.

so I'm going to miss my primitive skills school monday (sadface) and probably tuesday too (ultra sadface beam :C ======X ) So I'm thinking about airlines and trying to decide how early I want to try to get to the airport and wait around on standby. I should probably get there pretty dang early, so I should probably go to bed a few hours ago. so I'll go do that now.

Saturday, January 2, 2010


tomorrow morning, back to seattle. pack my bags tonight. cloths washed. flight checked. large dinner, ate. I like lanterns haning from trees. I like lanterns, in general. it's a good asthetic. i love how I can just sit here and stare off into a black abyse, because of the archatecture: very open. I'll try and take a picture, tomorrow, and post it, when I get back.

I love having time to be in silence and escape the thoughts of the world. the thoughts of the world are the thoughts that are boring, tired, endlessly repeated, and not actualy thought out. some people live on this mind of the masses, thinking only other peoples thoughts, like recording devices, playing back what has been heard. It requires silence and will to sit with these records and slowly see and turn off the repeating backround radiation of collective thought, and allow my own personal melody to emerge. thinking for yourself.

this is how you find your life.