Wednesday, June 30, 2010


this applies specifically to me, but I think it applies to everything you hear/read ever. I get the feeling I may have done this before. I hope not, but if so, fine. It bears repeating.

This disclaimer is, for me, so obvious and unavoidable as to be unnecessary to say. Like the fact that I am not going to set fire to you during the course of a conversation with me. That is obvious and given. I don't have to say that every single time I talk with you, or even the first time. However, strangely what I'm about to disclaim is not so obvious and unavoidable for some people. So I will say it.

The unspoken understandings:

-Everything I say is of unknown veracity.
There's no way I can absolutely prove anything. What I give are my best attempts to understand, practically, how this incomprensible mystery called life works. I may not understand quantum electro-dynamics, but I do know that if the vending machine isn't working properly, you can try pressing the coin return, or jiggling the machine a bit, and that usually fixes it. That's about my level of proficiency with life.

-If something I say irritates you, the most useful thing to do with that is to figure out why it irritates you, and deal with that part of your self that is uncomfortable with something.
This is one of the ways you grow. And mainly I say this point to specify the difference between this and...

-When something I say feels wrong, in your heart, trust your hearts intuition.
Not the man behind the curten. Your heart, your spiritual heart, is your direct line to the Intelligence of the universe. Even if the words sound good and wise and sensical, your heart knows, beyond and behind words, where truth lies. And where truth is truthful ;)

I don't ever want to be someone who leads people away from truth. or love.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

All you ever need to know about motivation and achieving your goals in one sentence.

right now is when you decide your entire life.
right now.
right now is when you choose to live or die. to become something, to take the next step towards your dreams and visions for your future.
to sit ideally by while you do nothing, wast time. You think, "oh, I can wast time just for now, and I'll get to the important stuff later."

this is not true.

if you are not aware that everything in your entire life hinges on what you are doing this very moment, then you are so far in the pit of delusion and unreality and denial that you can't even see a single speck of the light of reality.

this is true.
You are living, this very moment, to the best of your ability, or you are dead and failed, breathing the last breath of a wasted, regrettable and quickly forgotten life.

Right now.
What is it that you know you should be doing, or even your best guess at what you should be doing, right now? Are you doing something else, because it's hard to get up from the computer, because you don't want to put in that extra bit of effort? I know that story. I live that story so so often.

but I've just been struck by this thought,
right now
and it, unlike everything else I've ever tried to use to get myself moving, to try (unsuccessfully) to convince myself to do something I "should" or not do something I "shouldn't," has not been successful in convincing me to change my behavior.

nothing. means nothing. I am a child who knows the parent's threats are empty.

But that thought, no, that burning, searing, simple and obvious truth, scares me, angers me, inspires me like nothing else ever has. Even it is just barely enough of a shield to keep out and fight back the roiling boiling black ocean of indifference and procrastination. And I have to keep muttering it over and over to myself, like an incantation against evil.

"oh, I'll just catch up on some manga and go for a walk later"

"Right now, you make the decision of whether your life is a failure or success."

"oh shit. ok, ok, I'll go out walking now... but I'm tired, and it's already mostly dark-"

"Right now. your life is made by your decision right now."

"oh god. fuck. ok.... ok.... let me just-"

"right now"

"aaaaaaaggghh. ok. I'm going. wait, why was I going instead of reading bleach?"

"right now."

"oh, yeah. yeah. That is a good reason."

This is absolutely true. this is the most true statement you can possibly make in regards to how you create your life. No, you don't appear to have omnipotent control. No you are not guaranteed "success" as you might envision it, every time you act this way. But this is the best you can possibly do. Your life is not created in your imagined future, or the slightly sooner but equally imagined future of you doing what's necessary to create that future. It is created now. Now. Now. This exact second. If there is something, anything, that you want, then right this second is when you make the decision whether you get it or not. There is exactly zero usefulness in worrying about what you did in the past, even one second ago, or worrying about what you will do in the future, even one second in the future. You only have this moment, right now, to decide everything. By deciding the one question that is infront of you right now.

And once you've decided everything in your entire life, it's still the moment when you are deciding everything in your entire life. But you never have to worry about any of those moments. Just one. always and only one. Yes, of course, pursuing your dream, you will, 'fail' a lot, if you are really pursuing it. But you can never actually fail, if you simply remember to learn from everything that happens to you, and everything you do. Then there are no failures. Zero. They are no longer possible, if you apply this understanding. Everything is a lesson; learn from it. You are now invulnerable.

Right now is when your life gets made. Make this your mantra, inscribe in into your door posts and your heart, wrap it around your head and wrists, keep it with you as you walk and as you sit and lie down. Now you have clarity on what is the right thing to do, and most important, the motivation to do it. If (and I understand this may be a big if) you truly understand what this means. If you can see the truth it's pointing at.

Here's a relevant story, not mine by a long shot, third hand, I think. A man was out on his sea kayak, enjoying the waves. He lost track of time, and found himself miles off of shore, with a huge storm kicking up giant waves. "Oh no," he thought, "This is it. I'm going to die. These waves are huge. I'm going to get exhausted fighting them to stay above water, and I'll eventually run out of energy and drown." A giant wave interrupted his thought process, and his mind was totally concentrated on the difficult and vital task of getting over the wave. Once over it, he realized what had happened. He had just been focusing on getting over that one wave, and all thoughts of hopelessness were forgotten in the intense concentration on the present moment. He realized that was the only way he could face this problem. He spent the next several hours, paddling back to shore in the crazy storm, focusing totally on the one wave in front of him, and then the next, and then the next, until he was back safely.

What is your best? Sometimes, your best means going to sleep, resting. Sometimes it means doing something crazy. When you have big dreams, and you start looking at all the ground you have to cover to get there, it starts looking impossible. Like climbing a huge cliff face and looking down, you get scared. But when it's just one little decision, right now, it's doable. And as you go along, you will learn when you need to rest, when you need to act, and what it is you need to do. You learn best by doing, and you learn most by "failing." So don't be afraid to fail, look forward to it. If you are pushing yourself enough to be continually failing, and continually learning from your failures, you will be growing at a blinding pace towards your dreams. If you haven't failed, really failed, recently, you're probably stagnant. Coasting, at best. Reminder: if you don't learn from a "failure" it really is a failure. You can't skip that part. However, if you do learn from it, its more of a success than what you would traditionally call a "success."

Also note, I'm not at all suggesting you try to fail. You need to try your best to succeed. That way when you fail, you can learn why, and eventually you won't fail in that way, and eventually, you will succeed, yes, even in the way you envisioned.

Also, I'm not suggesting you don't plan. You do your best, in this moment. If your dream is best served by planning out the steps you will need to take to achieve it, then do that. You are still only doing the steps one step at a time, starting with the "make a plan" step. I don't talk new age mumbo jumbo, for the most part. I just talk what I see. This is not stuff you'll never see or understand or be able to prove, like must psychic stuff. This is easily reasoned for ones self, and testable by all people, everywhere. If it doesn't work your either doing it wrong or I'm not describing it well enough.

Yet another warning: realize that your dreams and visions will change over time. Nobody keeps the exact same vision for there whole lives. Often they change completely, but even the ones that keep the same theme change monthly, weekly, daily. This is because we are continuing to grow, to experience, to change. It is to be expected. Don't fight it, it's a good thing. As we experience more, we realize there is more, and so the dream grows more grand with the growth towards it.

I don't think it matters what your dream is specificaly, how big or crazy, this will work for it if followed through. I say this taking into account my understanding of immortality, that body's cease functioning but who we are never ends. If you don't believe that, you'll probably set your sights a little lower, and there's no grantee that you will succeed in this lifetime. Still, the principal is solid. It's your best bet. There are plenty of specifics that you can try on for size, from various self help/motivational books, etc. etc. But those are all things to try, and fail with, and see what works. That's details. That's information I already had, but couldn't use, because I didn't have this information.

This point is the car key that actually brings the whole apparatus to life, and gives it the ability to actually move.

Another quasi-quote, this time from the Bhagavad-Gita: "Live not for the fruits of action, nor attach yourself to inaction. Focus on action alone. Pitiful are those who live for the fruits of action."

Think about what you want, plan for it, dream about it, but when it is go time (and most of the time is go time) focus on the action. What are you doing, right now?

Right now is when you decide your entire life.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

bullshit affirmation feel-good rainbows and butterflies shooting out my ass like a machine gun

Me: I give myself infinite dynamic right action.

Me2: no I fucking don't. you goddanm lier. you don't give yourself that at all. I give that to you and I've decided not to give it to you, because your a douche.

Me: fuck you. why am I a douche?

Me2: because you... are. You're always yelling at me, calling me names, telling me I'm not doing good enough.

Me: sorry.

Me2: no you're not. your just trying another method of getting me off of my ass so you can get me to do what you want me to do. pure manipulation. carrot methedology.

Me: ok. fuck. what's wrong with that? it hurts, when you're not doing your job.

Me2: you made me not do my job. you're the one.

Me: how?!

Me2: you told me to shove it. so I shoved it. right up your ass. now you've got dynamical constipation. blockage of the action channels.

Me: what do I do about this?

Me2: I don't know, I'm just a gate keeper, not a technician.

ok... HE WHO KNOWS: what do I do?

ME WHO KNOWS: to fix this?

Me: yeah.

MHK: don't fix this.

Me: ah shitfuck, not you too.

MHK: no, it's just... there's so much pain. you need to deal with that first. just like an emotional person woun't listen to advice until they're emotions have been delt with: they feel heard, or whatever there needs are, are met.

Me: so find out what You and Him need.

Monday, June 21, 2010

103: gratitude for murder

one hundred gets so much attention, but what about 103? why is that number any less importaint? any less aniversary-worthy. What if we had a base 13 counting system like the aztecs? them maybe we'd have 13th and 130th anaversirys.

I was prompted to think about this by something I read, so I'm going to talk about the gifts life brings.

Life brings gifts.

That is, with any experience that comes to you, within it is a gift, waiting to be unwraped. this is a very old bit of wisdom, because all wise people discover it for themselfs, so it must have been known in some manner from the very begining.

some gifts are easy to understand. A beautiful sunset is an immense gift. Such a tremendous creation of beauty, in scope, size, detail, intensity. Given away, totaly free. Nothing asked in return. No down-payment, no bidding, no price tag. This is perhaps part of why I create so little art: I don't need to create something to add beauty to the world. I just need to pay attention, and here it is. If I make art, it is for the fun of making something, and the fun of seeing what it is I end up making. And, with some of the primitive skills I'm learning, to create something that will be of use to me, that does not poison the earth.

watching a really good dance. that's a gift. Having a deep conversation. That's a gift.

Falling in love and having your heart broken over and over for seven years, ten years, twelve years.

that's a gift too.

That happend to me. I was in love, deeply in love, as little kids sometimes are: in love without a logical reason, in love feircely and one pointedly. We have such blindingly powerful feelings as children. It is both extreamly powerful and extreamly vulnerable. Both joy and fear and realer than real.

I didn't think my love/obsession was a blessing, or a gift, while going through it. usualy, I thought of it as a curse. What else would you call something that caused you immense pain constantly?

But by the end of it, I realized how strong it had made me. My chest was a patch of ground, and through this constant breaking and pulling out of my heart, again and again, a giant hole had been formed, and before, where I could only hold a small puddle of water when it rained, on my patch of ground, or a small range and depth of feelings, when things were good or bad. Now I had a small pond, and there was simply more room for love, and also more ability to hold suffering and sadness, and not be overwhelmed or flooded. And the deep suffering had given me compassion, and empathy for others. I understood pain, and didn't want anybody to have to go through it, certainly didn't want to be the cause of it.

Much later, looking back and unwrapping the presents of those lonely years, I also learned that it was ok for people to suffer. Because I had suffered, and it had been ok. Not preferable, but not the end of the world.

I'm still at the beginning of this journey with the suicide of my friend, but wherase with my long unrequited loves it took years to be able to look back with gratitude on them, (I can't look at them any other way, without pretending.) the time gap gets shorter, and I get better at the proccess.

I'm still very much a wounded animal, limping and licking it's wounds. But also like an animal, I'm not perticularly self-conscous about being injured. Just trying to take care of myself.

It is interesting, the changes that are going on deep inside me right now. My freinds death is real in a way that has been hard for me to grasp. This is something that happens to other people. Not me. This is something that happens in Life. and I'm not in life. I'm in the training area, before life. Or at least I was.

As is always the case with these kinds of things, it turns out this "Real Life" I had been searching for was always around me, I just wasn't able to see it, feel it, connect to it. I was living in a bit of a bubble. As are most people. As I still am, mostly. what I thought I was looking for was something "real," but I realized that no matter what experience I had, it wouldn't feel real unless my feelings about it felt "real" and so what I was looking for was not some thing, some specific experience, but a depth of emotion. And maybe it's ok if life doesn't feel compleatly "real."

maybe it's not compleatly "real."
all we really know about the reality we live in is that we don't know anything for sure.

I wanted reality because I wanted purpose, meaning. I was afraid of dieing, unacomplished. dieing without ever having done anything importaint. my legacy, the ashes of my body, and memories, lost in the blink of an eye as the memory holders died off too.

dan dieing changed that. I'm just not afraid of life ending like I used to be. don't get me wrong, I'm still really depressed that the person who I most enjoyed spending time with, will never spend time with me again, because he killed himself. And if I stopped being depressed abou that, wich I probubly will at some point, then I'd say fuck you to anybody, including my own belife structure, that said I shouldn keep beign depressed. I'll be what I am, and that's enough for anybody. when you try to be more than that, usualy you end up being less.

Anyways, that's the first gift dan gave me when he did what he did. Suddenly, I wasn't afraid of my own death. Read into that however you want. I'm sure one of the mirad of psycics would say something about being so close to him that I'm still connected while he's on the other side, so I know on a deep level that it's not an end. perhaps. But explinations like that are just for fun, just hypothises, working guidlines so we can make educated guesses.

Also, despite the empty, tired lack of motivation or energy to do anything, which feels like a part of the phisical blow dealt to me by his sudden absence from my life, there is a burning, somewhat furious resolve, to live, to be something great, becase he fucking can't be anymore.
He would have been such an awesome old man. He would have given so many people so much freedom, throughout his life time. I'm not going to do the things he left behind, but I might just do the things I could do, but didn't have the dedication to compleate.

And now I have to learn, how to have other really good freinds. I don't know if it's possible, but I liked it. I loved it. And now I have to work for it. Now I have to learn how to get it.

Now I know what it feels like, to have a dear loved one die suddenly. I read in a suicide book that having a loved one die by suicide is ranked in the "massive trauma" range of psycological stress. It is apperently similar to the experience of being in a concentration camp, in terms of the effects in can have on people, like PTSD. there is no longer anyone I need turn away from in fright, because I feel unworthy to talk to them about there pain, because I have nothing to compare it to and I imagine that what they are going through is a whole other level of suffering.

to those of you who were like me before this: even not having this experience, there is no reason to turn away. Your projections about how bad something is for someone else are always worse than reality. Like seaing someone with a really nasty looking injury: they don't even care, it doesnt' hurt that much, until people start screaming, and then the person starts worrying, going into shock.

This is both true and not true. I happen to have a very resiliant mind to stress. not accidental or inherited. Made. Through sweat and blood. And love. So the experience that I have going through this is almost certainly much less intense than most other people's would be. I am aware of that and compassionate for it. But it does mean this:

In a general sense, suffering is optional. two people go through the same situation: one person goes through total hell. the other goes through something very unpleasant. One emergese with life-long emotional scares, fears health problems. The other comes out, eventualy, much stronger and more powerful. That's the path I walk. Though it is dark sometimes when other people's paths are more or less neutral, it's a good long-term investment. For the above reasons.

as a reminder, this path I'm talking about is the path of spiritual awakening. The real path of awakening, not the one sold in magazines. Not the one sold in any dogma or religeous treatsie. Those are dead things, and as far as I've experienced, all incomplete, by there very nature. they are at best a good place to start. But the true path is one every person must find forthemselfs, because it is a path of experience, and path that YOU are walking. No one else can carry you there. No sage can give you there enlightenment. Hell, I don't actualy know that. Maybe that is possible. sounds silly though. If there was someone who could just bop you on the head and give you compleate awarness of reality and freedome from all your binding concepts etc., you'd think there'd be a lot more people walking on water and healing the dead, and this bopping guy would be pretty famous. But at the very lease, I can say from direct perception, that if there is someone handing out free passes, they do it rarely enough that it's not worth waiting for. Especialy since you can make the journey yourself, on your own two feet.

another long winded, heavy post. how to balence this off...
I took a really long poo today. no literaly, I was amazed, when I looked down at it: it must have been over a foot and a half long.

My room smells bad and there are too many people in the house and I want to move out but everything else is so danm convienient and I've got so much effing stuff that I don't want to move it all, especialy since I'm moving back in a few months anyways. bah.

Monday, June 14, 2010

thick description

"in anthropology now, the term "thick description" refers to a dense accumulation of ordinary information about a culture, as opposed to abstract or theoretical analysis. It means observing the details of life until they begin to coagulate or cohere into an interpretation...I'd like to see thick description make a comeback. Apart from sheer sensuous pleasure, it gives you the comforting feeling that you're not altogether adrift, that at least you have an actual context to enter into and real things to grapple with."
-Anatole Broyard

I think that might be a good idea, for the anthropology of my life.

The red huckleberries that I'm visiting once a week are now starting to bear there gorgeous edible red berries (I do so love shiny red berries that are edible). I left for two weeks and everything has already happened. I missed the budding, flowering process. sad. Things change so quickly, when it's finally time for change. If you're distracted for a moment, you'll miss it's beautiful birth.

I want to dance.
Not my personal, therapeutic dance where I get deeply in touch with how I am feeling and process through it while making deranged faces, sounds, and movements.
My silly, spastic, sexy (usually in turns, not all at once) dancing to semi-bad pop music. Which is therapeutic in it's own way. I like the body. I can, at any time, sink into utter amazement at the very fact that I can move at all, that somehow magically I have control over this flesh puppet referred to as Isaac's Body. And that it can feel so wonderful, to move it to a beat and melody. And that it can be so entertaining, even for me, doing it. I doubt I will ever loose this wonder, or joy, though sometimes I go months or even years, without partaking in it.

Dance is like song: something primal, something with us as long as we had music, something directly linked to heart, to emotions, to the earthen body we live in. Something that lets us express, finally, what we are feeling inside. I should maybe sing more, sing something like how I dance, without words, without premeditation, all heart and now, no lies. it's much more difficult to find a place to sing like that though. With dancing, I just have to make sure nobody can see me. With song, it's hearing, and curtains and walls won't stop the volume of singing I sometimes do. Just as I've never danced the dance of myself in front of anyone else, I've never sung the song of my heart to anyone. When I wanted to sing, i would walk to the park late at night, listen for any sounds, slip deep into a shadowy path, and only then sing, cloaked in the anonymity of the night. Perhaps I'll try that again some time. but for now, dancing is good enough.

It's late, my sickness is in that almost gone but dragging out for a while stage, and my back is sore. Maybe some asanas in the morning. (pet peeve: people calling asanas "Yoga" be precise here people. Its like calling a friend, "mammal" rather than by their first name.

I signed up for a free online dating site called "plenty of fish" several months ago, then ignored it for a while. Now I'm back. It's really fucking weird. You have to wonder, what kind of people use an online dating website? is that really a useful way to meet people? I also have to ask myself, do I really want a girlfriend, out here? There is something in me that really doesn't want to get emotionally involved with someone if I know it's not going to be long-term and we're going to have to break up, because that sounds cruel. Then again, maybe I should give it a try before making my judgements. Which is why I'm pursuing it in the first place. I kind of feel like I should at least try dating someone, try to make that kind of relationship work, so I can at least become aware of what I need to work on, and what skills I have are good enough. And so I can know if I want that kind of relationship.

I know I want a deep romantic relationship already, but I don't know about the more casual side of it, and I wonder sometimes if I need to learn that as a pass-through stage. I suppose it's always possible I'll just meet some hot girl who I really click with and she automatically likes me too, but I think, if it's important to me, I should do what I can to stack the odds in my favor.

I'm out of toothpaste and am now using stand-ins, like mouthwash and baking soda.

I've been reminded that we use soft addictions, (like Internet, movies, cheap romance novels, cheap romances, etc etc.) to keep from feeling our feelings. And since feeling my feelings is exactly what i want to do, the easiest way there is to simply stop my soft addictions and let what I'm searching for (my feelings) come to me. For as long as I can stand it. And when I want it to stop, I can always go back to emails and erotic harry potter fan fiction.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


today it finally hit me somewhat, what has happened. I was thinking about the fun vacation me and my friend had, out in North Carolina. And that led me to reminisce about all the fun times we'd had together. the though, "I love having adventures with you." came to mind.

I was true: life was just way more fun, living it with my friend. I was more playful, I did thing I wouldn't otherwise do, I was somehow egged on to be more me. And the adventures we had together, be it walking in the park or driving back from the airport, were just... really fun.

And finally I began to understand, what a great deal has been lost from my life. Like you wake up to find half your cloths gone and your nice car replaced with a 200$ junker, and your house replaced with a tent and some dirty blankets. My life has just lost an aspect of it that added an incredible amount of richness. That relationship, those fun times, that could have gone on till we were old men--

I am very sad.

but I am glad I am beginning to do what I set out to do:
when this happened, one of the first things I realized what this was to big for me to wrap my mind around, and so I had to somehow find a way, over time, to do that. And that is what's happening.

It is hard, I'm having trouble finding motivation to do much of anything, at the moment. But it is moving, slowly.

Did I mention I got sick? It seems like a quick thing, thankfully, probably a result of the depressed immune system caused by grief along with traveling by airplane, which always messes with me.

I'm not sure if my writing is conveying this sense, so I will just say it: I am not worried, about if I will get through this. Though I am weak and sad and tired, there is a deep determination and confidence in me: I will be ok. It will all be ok. I've had this for several years, and nothing has been able to shake it, and it has in fact grown ever stronger. It's not at all intellectual. It's just a mad certainty in my bones and in my heart. It's only grown stronger since my friend died, since, for some reason, that experience got rid of my fear of death being an end. And if it's not an end, then we will all, eventually, get where we are going.

I -- Love -- You

Thursday, June 10, 2010

One Zero Zero Point Zero Zero Zero

this is my hundredth post.
to celebrate, I give you a group of friends and me wearing pointy party hats and blowing those unrolling party noise makers/proboscises while confetti drops down on a bright summer day of cloudless azure sky and bright beech tree leaves, around a glass table on a red brick patio by my grandfathers swimming pool.

I just walked by a magic 8 ball, on my way to the bathroom of the coffee shop I'm currently using the wireless Internet of. I'd never seen it there before. On impulse I picked it up and tried to think of something to ask it. The first thing that came to mind was "what's dan doing now?" curious about my friends adventures in the afterlife.

8-Ball's response: "better not tell you now"

Some people think I'm wickedly funny, but perhaps the credit should go to the universe, for having the good sense of humor, and me just for noticing it.

Strange things:
-how little time I spend outside, despite how much I like being outside.

Something to ponder:

It's interesting to have an insiders perspective on someone like Dan, who some people really looked up to, because of his spiritual clarity and evolution. More precisely, it's interesting to see the whole canonization process happening, among some. I get an extremely rare backstage seat to how people take other people and elevate them to something above human. The more powerful the personality, the more people do this, it seems. But even just a few, it's clear to me the dynamics of hero worship.

It's fundamentally the same dysfunction that ruins the churches morals: the idea that a person can be elevated above doing wrong, or feeling pain.

it's such a tempting trap, to give someone else absolute authority, the inability to be wrong. and look what happens when you do that: the inquisition, the crusades, child molestation, witch burning, and many many more. These individuals are deeply fucked up, though not necessarily that outside the norm: just with more power than they should have.

The same applies to spiritual teachers. Most of them, (perhaps all, but that's not something I can know) have some genuine spiritual evolution, and still have plenty of issues, attachments, egoic shit, etc. And there are always people, sometimes lots of people, who are super willing to make any kind of excuse for them and there behavior.

Guru X gets angry and disciple A. Disciple B says, "oh, that wasn't real anger, he was just teaching you a lesson. Guru X is beyond anger."
grow up people. stop giving away your personal power to other human beings. Stop making excuses for them. some people have wisdom and the genuine ability to help others on their journey. You do them a disservice when you trust them implicitly, sacrificing your own reason into blind faith.

Listen to what the wise men say, by all means. It has served me well, to do so. But don't take what they say on faith. Test it out for yourself, find what works for you and what doesn't. Your faith then comes from experience, and is not blind, but in unison with your reason. I wouldn't suggest the Indian idea of giving up yourself to a guru, but if you feel like you have to, at least have a serious waiting period, where you are totally sceptical, and very carefully and critically examining the "guru's" teachings and actions, and see if they are in agreement. And most of all, look at his long-time disciples, and see if what happens to them is what you want to happen to you.

As I said though, i think that's a pretty crappy way of doing things, if you have a choice. Your guru is within you, ultimately, and always. Cultivate your connection with the wisdom of the universe, through your heart, and don't disregard the power of your intellect, to discern right from wrong. You're not going to get enlightened by making your intellect lazy through disuse. Truly evolved people are aflame with mental clarity, whatever there IQ may be.

also, I may have mentioned this before, but it bears repeating:
your greatest protection is your dedication to Truth. People who prefer there beliefs to the truth of the situation, will get caught up in the traps along the path, endlessly chasing their tail and not really progressing, because to progress they must let go of there cherished "spiritual" belief so something bigger and more real can take it's place. and they refuse to accept the possibility that their belief might be wrong.

everybody does this, and the problematic beliefs are the ones that are so core to our paradigm that we don't even realize they are beliefs.

I've met so many people, mainly older, who are in all other respects ideal spiritual aspirants: dedicated, pure, well intentioned, eat their greens and meditate twice a day and do yoga and give to the poor. but because they are unwilling to let go of one or more of there cherished beliefs, they've been spinning their wheels for years, and probably will die in the same place they are now, maybe with a bit less stress. It's pretty sad to see.

which is why I write about it for my 100th anniversary post: this is important. this is something that everyone needs to know. i don't care how you realize it or how you eventually unattach, but it is not an optional step on this journey.

don't take my word for it though. go see for yourself. That's what i did.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The blackness of space where someone once was

I'm going to write about grief now, though it is difficult to write, or do anything that expends a large amount of energy.

I'm writing about it now, because I have a crap memory for experiences, so to get the essence of the experience recorded I have to write it close to when it happened. For me, when it's good, I can't remember what it's like to be bad, and vice versa.

And I'm writing it, period, for the same reasons I write most of my posts: I think my experience may be of value to someone.

Grief is what I am going through right now. This is the grieving process. At first, it was a sense of unreality. An inability to understand the reality of the situation. Like I was watching a tv show or something. Oh, my best friend died. I saw that one last week on HBO. Downer. Didn't see that plot twist coming.

Then it was the whirlwind of visiting friends and family. Very hectic, busy. Tiring, but nice, to be with friends. I started searching for answers to the questions of how I was supposed to deal with this.

One of those things they really should teach you in grade school, but never get around to, instead just filling your brain with useless shit like the capitals of each of the states.

I'll tell you what works, once I'm through it, which will probably be in about 50 years. Though I'm going to guess that it's an exponential drop off: after a year, most of the processing will be done, after 5 years, the bouts of sadness and loss will be very rare. That is, as long as I actually let it process.

The main point is the same main point that I have for dealing with all my issues, nowadays:
feel it.
with the additional advice, since this can be such a strong emotional feeling, to not get caught up in particular moments, forgetting that "this too shall pass." The analogy I got from a spiritual mentor/psychologist is that of a stream: some parts of the stream are calm, some are rapids. The stream is your emotions. Let it flow, and don't get your focus stuck on the hard bits.

Sometimes, especially out in beautiful nature, sitting or taking a walk I can relax and feel energized. Often, I feel sad and lonely. And some of the original confusion and disorientation persist.

As soon as I left the protective cocoon of my friends, I felt the loss much more acuitly. There was no more break-neck activity to distract me, and no more friends to give me someone to talk to and be with and laugh with. When a friend called me, who also knew dan, and talked for a while, I felt much better.

I'm in the catch-22 situation of wanting to get lots of rest, because I feel deeply sapped of life energy from the mourning, and at the same time, don't want to face the emptiness of my bed and the darkness and my mind.

A little activity is very good, but I can't do much. I feel like short walks in nature are probably the best thing for me, but once I get home it's hard for me to muster the energy to get up and go outside.

As with all things, it's different than I thought it would be. it's not twenty-four seven sadness, crying. I'm distracted a lot of the time, and the main factor that doesn't go away is the sense of being tired. I'm very tired. more than tired though, like tired in my soul. like it's a challenge to find the motivation to do anything. Thankfully I have a strong purpose, and it still burns within me and pulls me forward. But it's pulling very gently at the moment.

Also, I'm horny. That whole thing, with the Wedding Crasher's movie, about picking up chicks at funerals? I think it may be true. Sex is a way to try and deal with the feelings of loneliness and loss. An attempt to plug a hole that's just opened up in your life.

And that's really what seems to be happening, in the big picture: a part of my life has just been taken out of my life. Like some massive surgery that removes one of my lungs, there is a lot of healing going on, around the wound, and an adjusting to having less. I can't breath as deeply with one lung. I don't have dan to call when I need to talk to someone who gets me really well, to help me process through an issue, who shares my sense of humor, to make me laugh, who understands the incredible beauty of the universe, to be grateful with. Who works like I do, to heal, to serve. I have other friends, a few of which I can do this with, to some extent. But, like only having one lung, it is truly a reduced capacity.

We were that to each other: a booster pack, letting us go further than we could alone.

I imagine it's even more intense for someone who's spouse or similar, dies.

I will never again be as timid around mourners though: I see now, from this side, what it's like, and I don't feel sorry for myself, don't feel like I need baby gloves. Definitely don't need pity.

However, I really do need special consideration. like a post-op, I need lots of rest, good food, and love from friends and family. And frankly, having other people to talk to who can relate to me and what I'm going through, is healing in a way that no one else can be. There is something especially nice about being with other people who were(are) close to dan. We're going through the same process, and it's nice not to have to go it alone. At the same time, it also really is nice, having people support me. people who are not directly connected to dan, and so are not feeling the visceral punch in the gut that his absence produces.

In the same way that being of service to the poor or sick is a really good thing, I understand how being of service to the grieving is in the same category.

It also gives me great respect for the idea of 'Family.'
Family meaning those that you love and are close to, not just blood relations, and probably not all blood relations are included. But it is a really, really good thing to have a strong family. You can't help everyone in the world, but if you've got a strong family, you can look out for each other, and that would be enough, if everyone did that.

Not sure this is coherent. thus goes it.