I am an Uncle now

My sister just had a baby. Today. I am an uncle.

My niece is cute. She has a very distinctive face. I bet she'll keep it her whole life.

Life is interesting. It's in an upswing, in one of those phases where the energy that had been missing so long comes back in a bursting flood. The energy and bliss make me crazed. It's not a balanced state at all, but it is very enjoyable, like the thrill of adrenaline. It is a feeling of accomplishment. I feel on top of the world. So far, whenever this has happend, I have assumed it would just keep going and now my life was finally picking up, or else I was dreading it ending. What I really need to be careful of is burning myself out. I have enough energy to run myself into the ground, and little enough care for my body that I would permit it.

Inertia is destroyed by energy, but energy is made more helpful and creative by balance. Otherwise it burns itself out, like a raging fire. Balance allows the energy to course through me, without catching me and carrying me along with it.

The lesson for today, an auspicious day for my new family member, is: listening to your inner voice and respecting it, is something the Universe dearly wants you to do. That's what I've been doing and it's why I'm feeling so well. No simple formula am I espousing. This is a balance, which I do not know the future of, that has been hard won, by continuously doing things to upset the balance, and thus learning what not to do, one mistake at a time. You cannot hope to get this by listening or reading and emulating. This experience is born purely by experience and practice. Though what brought me here was the intention to master this way of functioning. That is still my intention, only now it is strengthened, by my direct perception that nature smiles on me when I do it.

Happenings and wishes

things start to become clearer. The thread of my life that was dropped so that I could process my loss, is at the very beginning of getting picked up again. There will be more, always. For now, let it be noted: I'm on an upswing.

There is a block in my throat, energetically, emotionally. A block in my flow of expression. it needs to be opened. It's being opened. It's giving me a tremendous headache. That and the over-intense workout I just did.

headache.

today, you are my spiritual lesson.

the lesson is: when following other peoples orders to push harder, you can push yourself to your very limit. And you do, ignoring your own voice within that tells you when it's really appropriate to stop. And when you do that (ignore your inner voice), you suffer, your life goes out of balance. When you listen, your life comes into a harmony, synchronicity, and magicalness that is worthy of re-telling around a campfire.

goodnight.

p.s. It is feeling really nice, listening to myself. Which means: when I don't want to do something, I stop, when I want to do something, I do, when I don't know what I want to do, I wait till I do.

And whatever I think, is met with a passive acceptance.

I'm ending tonight with gratitude, because that is something I can always do, that feels right. Gratitude is interesting. Things are beautiful, and that is appreciated, and gratitude is somehow the aggressive form of appreciation, which is receptive. The universe is a gift to me, and my spontaneous gift back, is appreciation. Though it's not totally spontaneous. It requires a conscious decision, to put my awareness on it. Thus it becomes a really nice gift.

It's interesting how I feel like I don't want anything, but in actuality, there are lots of things I want. How does that work? It's like, the things I want are skin deep. Just entertainment. There's a tacit understanding with the universe that whatever happens, is ok. There are things which my heart desires, but they are superficial desires, and I can't take them very seriously. When I look back in my memory, for something especially amazing, to ask for again, if a genie popped up, I'd have a hard time. Three wishes, go:

trivial things:

I'd like to be able to fly, unaided, like super man.

I'd like a teacher, in the flesh, who matched with my learning style, and could help bring me to my highest potential. And was dedicated to doing so. Who I meet, and spend whatever time is necessary with them.

I'd like to be reincarnated whenever I die, and come back where I left off, evolution-wise, and with resources to support my goals of full development.

The first wish is purely for fun. The second is already fulfilled, in all important aspects, by what I call God. The meeting in flesh is for my own vanity and lack of faith. And I think it's likely that death will function like that for me.

You see why my desires are taken lightly then. The important one's are fulfilled, and the rest are just for shits and giggles. Sometimes they are fulfilled, and I shit and giggle. Sometimes not, and I've already forgotten. Or I'm rejected and I feel bad for a while. I feel bad in regular cycles anyways, so no real change there.

ok, lets try going to bed again.

First, laundry folding.

Beat me upside the head with a carrot and call me Nancy: an exploration into Motivation

I wrote a paper, back in the day, on Motivation. Because it was of great interest to me: it seems to be such a central part of everyone's lives. It's a glaring example of one of those things our education should really deeply cover, both theoretically and especially practically, but doesn't even touch on it, in it's frantic scrabbling to get kids to remember the dates of the Napoleonic wars for one week so they can pass the memorization test.

If you know how to effectively motivate yourself, you will be successful in any filed you go into. If you can transfer that skill to other people, you will be successful as a leader in any field you go into.

There are two, no, three main ways I see, for motivating people: the carrot, the stick (which I always found interesting, to picture, because I would see a white rabbit with a carrot dangling from a stick like a fishing pole, and when the carrot wasn't working, the very same stick used as the fishing pole for the carrot was turned into the beating stick, without even bothering to remove the carrot, thus creating a rather interesting symbology, as the rabbit was being beaten with the carrot flying around erratically on the end of it's string.) And the God Within.

Carrot is familiar to all of us: I want you to do A, so I say I'll give you B if you do A. If you want B enough, you'll do A. Tada; motivation success. Or else, self motivation: I want B. I need to do A to get B. If I want B enough, I'll do A.

Stick is also familiar: Do A or I'll beat you with B. Or self motivation: I'm afraid of B, so I'll do A to prevent it.

The God Within is my third category, and so may require a bit of explanation. The Root of the word "enthusiasm" means "the God within." And the motivation strategy goes like this: I want to do A, so I'm going to do A.

This comes from my eastern philosophy background, but is a very simple concept: it's the idea of enjoying the process, rather than just enjoying the result. When you are enthusiastic about doing something, it's because you genuinely like doing it. Maybe my stated goal is to make a Bow that I can practice archery with, but my primary goal may be simply the enjoyable process of creating the bow, cutting out the general shape, slowly scraping away growth rings, testing the flex, working around knots, enjoying the fresh air and the feel and smell of the wood, and the challenge of the task.

This can go along with carrots or sticks.

Now we come to the problem shooting part of this analysis. What happens when B is not enough motivation, either positive or negative, to make you do A?

I really want to learn how to get past that initial awkwardness barrier of striking up a conversation with strangers. And of getting through the initial stages of getting to know someone I'm interested in, and expressing interest. That's B, my desire, my goal. The stick side of the motivation is I feel like a heel when there's someone I want to talk to and I don't, because I'm shy. The Carrot side is I'm really curious about what having an intimate relationship is like.

However, neither of these motivations are enough to overcome my demotivating factor, which is that it scares the poop out of me to approach women. Perhaps if I felt truly horrible about myself for being shy like that, or desperately wanted a girlfriend, then it would be uncomfortable enough where I am, to change states.

This happened once in my life, when I was super depressed. The pain of my current situation was enough that I would try anything to try and get out of it. And my way out was meditation. I started meditating very regularly. Thus began my spiritual journey. This is very often how changes in people take place at first: people becoming sober, revolutions happening, etcetera. We humans don't like change, really don't like it, and so things have to get pretty awful for us to be forced to really change how we function.

This is unfortunate, because, looking at the change from the other side, it's a much better way of being, generally, and if we had changed sooner, we would have saved ourselves a lot of misery.

This is very well illustrated by the whole world today, with it's outdated and harmful systems of education, politics, energy, business. Energy is a simple one to look at for me. There are ecologically sustainable systems of living, that would give people a higher quality of life by far, and that would not only stop putting ecological diversity and the planets homeostasis systems in jeopardy, but would reverse the destructive trend we've created.

However, we are changing over in a very slow way, and, at least in large scale, only when the alternatives become unbearable. Cuba is a good example, for oil dependency. They got cut off from oil imports, so they had to change to more renewable systems of living. Which turned out to be great for them, once the changes were put into place.

Lets make this overly simple: what we have here is an extremely unequal evaluation of current happiness vs. future happiness.

If your current happiness, on a scale of 1-10, is a 3, because of your current way of living, and you know of another way of living, that would put your happiness at a 7, but you would have a temporary discomfort adjustment of -2 to happiness during the time you were changing, most people would not opt for the change. It's not logical, but that is the choice most people make.

(in reality it's much more complicated, but I'm simplifying to highlight a specific point.)

So, we want everyone to be able to switch to the better life, or at least be able to switch ourselves.

How do we overcome this "change discomfort" barrier?

Things that have done it for me in the past:

--Wait till the current way of living becomes unbearable (the current way of living for some reason drops to a 1). Works occasionally, but not under your control. No one, or very few, are going to intentionally make there lives miserable. That happening is just a gift from God. Not a technique you can decide to use.

--Find a way that doesn't cause as much change discomfort. This is sometimes possible. Often it involves taking a lot more time, energy and/or money (which is really the representation of both, in our modern society). Sometimes you get other people to hold your hand, show you the most efficient way, or, it it's an external thing, do it for you. Often it's just a matter of time and intention slowly undoing things. Your consciously working on yourself, but at an easy pace. If you have the patience, this can work. Sometimes though, there are issues that refuse to be easy, and either need a full frontal assault or else won't budge. Often the only way they get moved is when option one happens, and living with the issue becomes unbearable. This is what I call "tough love" ;)

--Learn how to enjoy the process. This is the God Within option. If you can learn the skill of enjoying the process of change, it's like negating or reducing the temporary -2 to happiness. This is a subsection of the other method, but it's important enough to get it's own paragraph. If you don't have money and you don't want to spend extra time, this is often the only feasible solution.

A few useful tidbits:

--Set attainable, specific goals. When your designing a way of self-motivating, you want to put all your focus on positive motivation. Live and our minds already give us way to much negative messages. When you set measurable and reasonable goals, it's encouraging and fun when you fulfill them. Sometimes we're fuzzy on weather we've made any progress at all, and it's nice to be able to look back and see clearly that we have. That's positive reinforcement, and that helps lower the -2 change penalty.

For some goals it's a bit more fuzzy, like spiritual enlightenment, because the end goal is really unknown, and even the path more than a few feet infront of you is unknown, and setting goals for spiritual growth is hilarious in it's futility: the ego always sets the goals, but it's not the ego that has control, in this game. However, you can still identify what your next step is, what your blocks are that you need to work on, and that allows you to look back and see that progress is happening.

--Look for a friend, teacher, coach, or group to work with. This lowers the happiness penalty, often even turning it into a happiness bonus. I can't stress enough how useful this is.

--Discover your passion. There's not enough time in life to do everything every person you thought was cool did. Also, you might not even enjoy the things that people you look up to enjoy. That's fine. You've only really got time to do one thing in this life, and that's be you. Some people can fudge this with sticks, fearing other peoples opinions or there own inadequacy. Sometimes for quite a while. Ultimately it will leave you feeling empty inside. This step is difficult as hell, in my opinion. So that means, it's difficult as hell for me. Your results may vary. This is all about respecting who you are enough to listen to what it is you want, rather than what you think you should want or be.

It's a lot longer of a journey than just picking up a book by some guy or gal who you think is swell and saying, "I'll have what she's having". But ultimately it's the only way you'll ever be happy with your life. Better to start now than realize you've never lived as you draw your last breath on your deathbed.

At first I thought this meant finding some "thing" that I "did". But as I continue to explore this quest, it seems more likely that the answer to this question is a way of living, alive to each moment and alive to what your heart is saying, right now, not thirty years ago on that hill when God told you what you're supposed to do with your life. Maybe that will happen, but it seems more common that comes after you've settled into being alive to your heart, each moment. It makes logical sense too: first, you learn how to listen and honor yourself. Then, you discover what you really like to do and what you're good at.

As a closing thought, I'd like to remind you that your life doesn't start when you get struck by lightning and realize your destiny is to fight crime as Skunk Man, but that it starts right now. That infact, what your divine job is, right now, is to be confused and searching. It's hard to see, in the fog of that job, but there is just as much beauty in the struggles you are facing now, seemingly alone and uncomprehending, as there will be when the fog has cleared and you move with the unerring accuracy of your heart.

Tantra pt. 2

upon further reflection, I think the solution to all these questions is simply to listen to my heart as the situation comes. No hard fast rules. Those are useful as training wheels, but the goal I am moving towards is to be able to hear and respect the voice of wisdom within me. No "sex is bad" or "sex is good" or anything else, for that matter. What is the appropriate response in the moment. That is the answer.

And that is a matter of sensitivity and working through all the issues that keeps us from being in constant contact with that inner voice, and doubting it or fearing it or not trusting it.

And that, I'm sure, is true Tantra.

Modern Day Tantra

I've just been looking at some modern tantric teachers, because I've got some sexual blocks and relationship blocks, and am looking for ways to deal with and heal these things.

It's a mixed bag. There is truth mixed in with untruth, which is always a dangerous combo. All I know is, my inner voice tells me to steer clear. Which is sad, for mr. happy.

Here is the basic dichotomy I face, dealing with modern tantrics:

Sex in general, as it's dealt with today, is generally a spiritual no-no. There is definitely spiritually awesome, God approved sex. And it's the best sex you'll ever have, far and away, because it's not just a physical thing, but a union of all levels of two people. But that's not too common.

Repression of sexuality, is also a spiritual no-no. And whereas meaningless sex is kind of a wast of time, sexual repression is a serious problem that can lead to deep imbalances and suffering.

I'm looking for the balance point, and I think it might not be halfway between the two ends of the sex spectrum, but up on the Y axis of me just being authentic with myself. I think people who say all sex is good and you should have as much of it as possible, are very unbalanced, but just as unbalanced are those that say sex is a bad bad thing and should never be done out of wedlock. That's retarded. I can't express how retarded that is.

"Marriage" as a legal or religious institution is a hollow shell of something real and organic that has been forgotten long ago. Fuck the law. I guess it's necessary, cus our relationships are so screwed up, people who marry each other end up often hating each other's guts and need police officers to make sure the money is divided up properly. I guess I need to give a bit of respect to the current systems, as "the worst system out there, except all the others." that is, it's pretty fucked up, but so are we, and that's why it's in place.

That said, the system is for the median of the population, minus the 20 years it takes for the law to change. But individuals should remember that as they grow and exceed the evolution of the median, they should not lower there spiritual IQ by following general consensus. I think there's something to be said for lifetime pair bonding. However, having a law constrain someone else to behave how you want them to, is stupid. If the only thing stopping your significant other from pursing sex with other people is a law, then you've got some basic problems with the relationship. You shouldn't need a law for that, in a functional relationship.

Now, I'm sure true Tantra can work for enlightenment, via sex. I don't think I've heard from a true tantric master though. And that means, mixed in with the truth of what is being taught, is egoic desires. Which is fine and business as usual, as long as they are honestly recognized as egoic desires, attachements, stuff that needs work, needs healing, needs light. But when you use your spirituality to say those issues are "ok", then you've just diverged from the path of truth, and taken a side trip down ego-penis lane. Which, hey, fine, if that's what you want to do, enjoy the trip.

But I don't want to divert from truth.

And frankly, it's not super appealing, at this point, because it is crystal clear to me, at this point in my growth, that there ain't anything in this world that's going to make me happy in that deep sense my heart longs for. Whether it's the craziest orgasm you can imagine, or being worshiped as a sexual god. Hey, shit, that would be fun, no doubt. But, like everything, it would get old. For some people, that takes a while, maybe years. For me, usually a few seconds is enough.

Now, I can enjoy things. But that is secondary to my inner state. Which is determined not by what I'm enjoying, but by what I'm believing. By the inner parts of me that are hurting, constantly. And no outer thing is going to make those inner parts change. It will at best feed them, for a while, or maybe make them find a different thing to feel bad about.

Look at people at the top of the world, physically, financially, etc, and you'll see a lot of unhappy people. maybe even more than average.

There's still a voice in me that says, "go have sex with hot women, then you'll be happy." The difference between now and five years ago is, I'm clear now, that this voice is mistaken.

What is it we are really looking for? What is it we are really afraid of?

You have to answer this question for yourself, but when I look for it, there is a deep, deep as time itself, yearning for something truly meaningful. For something full of love and gratitude and kindness. For something beautiful. And the fear is one of meaninglessness. Emptiness.

That is not something a new toy can give me, it's only something I can give me. It's like, the problem's not in the object seen, it's in the lens. I've got vaseline on my glasses, and I'm looking for some tasty food. I see sex, and that looks tasty, the way the vaseline warps it, but I try some and it's good, but not filling, and I look at other stuff and it looks really gross. When I wipe my glasses clean, I see that everything before me is part of a delicious feast, and I am full because everything within arms reach nourishes me.

This is the phrase: the wise are content with that which comes to them, unasked.

Simply, you are able to enjoy, appreciate, whatever comes to you, in life. And in that state, you can be established in perfect integrity with yourself, because there is nothing specific that you want so much you are willing to give up integrity to get it. Which means your life gets to feel fulfilling and meaningful and 'right'.

well, it's late and I've got a big day tomorrow.

love, to all you random voyeurs out there. And to my friends.

i

Journey through the cosmic colon

what do i want? I want something. Something. ?Who? who wants what?

I'm spinning my wheels. I'm just trying to ask a simple question, and get a simple answer: what do I want?

Apparently it's not such a simple question. or a simple answer, because the answer is you don't want anything. Don't want anything.

And I wonder why I don't do anything big, don't rock the boat. Of course not, if there's nothing I want to do, to have. I just do the normal things of life. Eat, sleep, jack off to porn, keep myself from getting bored with videos. Sometimes I can't even stand watching videos, and I just sit, doing nothing at all. Sometimes I journal, like this, looking for answers. Hoping that something will spill out accidentally, really, just happy to be moving my fingers, just happy to talk to space, to try and put words to this ever so slippery experience. I check gmail, Facebook, the blogs I'm subscribed to, in the hopes of being in contact with another human being. Other people take away the silence. They take away the aloneness, which breeds this nothingness.

For now, I'm trying to get more comfortable in my skin, in my brain, in my life. The reality I perceive works a certain way, and when I try to make it act a different way, it hurts, and it fails. I'm guessing that the only way to make my life work is to play by the rules. The rules are the perceptions I have of my existence, my memories of my experience, what works, what doesn't work.

I kinda want to go look at some porn now, rub one out so I can go to bed (if I don't, I'm wired for another two to three hours, just lying in bed with the lights off.) and forget all about this.

But I also kinda just want someone to talk to. I want someone I can really talk to though. This blog, believe it or not, is way more censored and toned down than my personal journal. That journal is totally free form, stream of consciousness, everything goes. Sometimes I get the text to voice feature of my computers wordpad program to read sections back to me. It's super entertaining. Especially considering what I've written. The ravings of a perverted madman, as dictated by a robot. perhaps I should give you a tast of it, for your curiosities sake. well, ok, I'll write it here, but I'll re-read it and see if it's actually safe for print:

wax on wax off. fuck me. egotistical bullshit.

I am nothing.

no.

not right at all: I ask the question, "who am i " or "who is it that acts."

fine. now I travel with that question, to the answer. It's like falling down a rabbit hole, but at the bottom of the whole, I fall through, and suddenly I'm in outer space. Vast, empty, black, surrounded in points of light. This is not nothing, but I don't know what it is. It is a big unknown. if it has qualities, they are not qualities that can be spoken. No words can describe it. Like a reverse Lovecraft monster: it is beyond words, yes, beyond comprehension, but in a good way. It is peaceful. It is destruction of all that I thought I was. Not real destruction that, just the kind of destruction you get when you say, destroy that woman over there with the beautiful blond hair, when you go to hit on her and it turns out it's a man in drag. That woman has been completely annihilated, as if she never existed. Because she never did, except as a mistaken concept you had. Just an idea with no corresponding physical counterpart.

So to, the idea that I am anything namable is gone when I ask, "who am I" because it takes me there, and also gone is the feeling of superiority, inferiority, or free will, or rather, separate will, when I ask the question, "who is the actor, the do-er?" And get shot out the same cosmic butthole into infinite space.

Into what I can only assume is God.

One thing I'm carful about right now, is I don't want to say I've arrived anywhere (common thread with me eh? It's because people who make themselves sound all great and stuff piss me off, and so I don't want to become one of them. I hate myself enough already)

I think that arrival should be concurrent with something I could label "bliss." God is good, right? I'm not interested in intelectual bullshit, even if it's perfectly reasoned. I want my heart to have a place to rest. I want joy. I'm not willing to settle for intelectual satisfaction.

I actually recall my old teacher saying something about that, in one of his myriad tapes. Something like, "the first stage of enlightenment, the mind is finally satisfied, it can rest, but then the heart takes over, and wants to be satisfied as well, and it doesn't get satisfied until every last thing is completely unified.

well, I guess that's not really related. What I'm talking about is not unification. it's just feeling good in my heart. I will assume that is what the experience of reality, fully experienced, feels like. Otherwise, whats the fucking point?

It's a simple enough equation, like one of those programming diagrams:

[are you satisfied?]

Y--> your done, stop trying to grow/get enlightened etc.

N--> keep trying-->back to question [are you satisfied?]

ok, I'm done. I either need a walk, a shag, or a sit and stare at the darkness while hurting emotionally. hell, why not all three? Life is full.

;)

until next time, fuck you San Francisco.

i o

.... ok, that was about halfway between my normal posts and my insane-o private journal. I can't seem to do the insane-o journal thing with people watching. Well, I guess I'll go do that a bit before the other three.

posting old drafts

[this is a rather old post that I noticed was never published, just saved in draft form. It's probably a year or two old. I'm trying to post them now. I don't really know why, perhaps the same selective anal retentiveness that makes me occasionally delete the old messages from my email inbox. perhaps I'm just looking for an excuse to avoid the quiet dark awareness of lying in bed not sleeping]

You know, I used to love shopping for gadgets and such, but now I hate it. I hate shopping. It's a f*&king wast of time and it gives me a headache and it feels futile. I guess the difference is I used to like shopping because I would have fantasies about how the stuff I was going to get would change my life. But it never did. It just sat there, looking at me with those doleful hound-dog eyes. Buying a camera will not make you a photographer, it will not make you start taking pictures more often, buying a drawing pad will not make you start drawing more, buying and instrument will not make you practice.

Which is why, nowadays, I much more prefer buying lessons. Because that will make you draw more, play more, practice more. However, that's still a step removed from where I'd like to be, which is doing these things, which I want to do, without having to pay someone to make me do them. It's still useful to be taught how to do these things, often, but to have a baby sitter... well, it's fine, except it ends up costing a lot, and you don't get as good results as you would if you were just well self-motivated. This is what I want to shop for, now-a-days.

But as with most genuinely useful things, you can't actually buy these. There is no shortcut. Which is fine. What's not fine is I can't even seem to find the long-cut. I can't seem to find any way at all to acquire these qualities. Perhaps because I don't really care about them, because, as I said earlier, I don't think anything in this world will be able to give me lasting happiness. Or meaning. Even a sterling character. Not that I can see any way to know for sure, since I haven't found a way to get a sterling character, yet. The problem is motivation: I'm not going to keep doing something if it's not worth my while to do it. When I put in the extra effort required to do what I think I should, it's never the fulfillment I was hoping for, so I'm disappointed. Or, I just flat out fail and feel awful about that. Or, it proves to be something that requires a lot of work, and I get tired/bored, and give up, eventually, when it turns out all the work necessary is really, really not fun.

This is all in my mind. Sometimes, I enjoy the process itself. It's just a matter of... how I think about it. If I'm doing it, trying to get some result, and that's why I'm doing it, I can't do it: all I end up with is disappointment, failure, boredom. Whereas things I enjoy doing, are great, until I realize those things are things I think I should be doing, and then I congratulate myself on doing what I'm supposed to, and then it becomes work, and I have to do it, and I start failing to achieve what I'm supposed to achieve, and I feel bad again, and there's no point in doing it any more, because it just brings me misery: reminding myself how I haven't been doing it and I should be doing it, or how I'm not improving enough to be what I think I should be.

Fucking shit, it sucks.

A Journey to a New World (as I write this)

sometimes, your heart just hurts.

you don't know why, if there even is a reason. There's probably a reason. I could make up a reason, and it could be right. But it doesn't matter. What matters is my heart hurts and there is nothing to do about. Nothing that will make it go away but time. Which makes everything go away. And makes everything come.

When does the easy part come? I'm through the really hard part, most of the time, except times like these, but I'm still not at the easy part. It's half easy. It's easy to be nothing now. It's easy to be. But it's so hard still, to do. Or to become. I'm a noun searching for his verbage.

This kind of pain, it's so lonely. So sad. Like a wolf howling at the moon on a cold night, no clouds to be a big blanket over the land. I chase things that don't matter to me, over and through the Internet. I wake up out of the passing obsession, my heart terrified: I've just lost another day. I've just been useless some more.

The time for explaining, for seeing through the beliefs has passed. I've done that work.

Your worthless. Is it true? I don't know. But I'm afraid if I don't believe it I will be worthless.

What does that mean? It looks like this: a boy sitting inside in front of his computer doing something he doesn't like, because he desperately wants to find something that with make it all ok, make it all complete. It looks like watching tv shows all day long, not even taking the time to shower.

And that's wrong. Is that true? I don't know. But I'm afraid if I don't believe it, I'll do it. And I really do think it's wrong. My mothers voice in my head, telling me to go to bed on time and meditate and do something productive. Not bad advice. But those voices tell me what is right and wrong, and they don't effect what I actually do. Or do they? The certainly don't make me do what they say to do. They make me miserable when I continually don't do them.

It's not fair, and it doesn't makes sense. What should I think? Is that now a list of rights and wrongs too? Sin sin sin.

Another perspective: your not bad, but your actions may be.

Well, how is that, if I am responsible for my actions? Ok, getting into philosophy. I've had this conversation before, and I detest it, because it achieves nothing. It just spins in circles.

What do I experience? This is the actual work. What I experience is that my action comes from a source that is unfathomable. Am I responsible? is it my fault, all of this horribleness? That doesn't seem fair. It's not like I'm omnipotent. My environment effects me, considerably. And my tendencies.

And most of all my despair. Whenever I try to put my mind to something, put my will to something, I'm struck by the thought, by the previous experience, that none of it gives me what I want.

This is why I'm a spiritual seeker. Despair. The despair that comes from recognizing that there is nothing in this world that will make me happy.

And that's also where the determination comes from. This spirit, this journey, is my only hope. of course I'm going to be utterly one pointed about it, however confused and unclear my direction is: this is my only hope.

And even when hope seems lost, it doesn't matter. There's still nothing else to do, even if there's only a 0.01% chance that it will work. I live in a desert, and I'm constantly trying to convince myself that I don't. I can distract myself for short periods of time, with tv, video games, dreams of changing the world. Pretending that I don't live in a barren desert, the only inhabitant.

As it is, I think there's a pretty large percent change that such a place as peace exists. The oasis off in the distance. Always moving away from you as you move towards it.

Sometimes things are nice, for a little bit, or a while. That exists, though it always goes away sooner or later. But it does exist. My pain has gotten less. Maybe it really could get gone, all the way.

It's so painful, thinking that your life is a big failure. It's more painful than pain. it saps the strength. it erodes happiness.

I think it would be such a wonderful character, who totally approved of there own life. Regardless of what that life was. That would be a person I would love to be around, and watch grow and live. No matter what they did, it would be wonderful to see. It would be good for my heart. I want everyone to have that gift. It seems like a nice gift. When I try to imagine myself without the ability to belief that I was a failure, with the belief that everything I did was a success, was as it should be...

...it's really hard to imagine. First I picture myself just totally going into lethargy. eating, sleeping, watching tv, not calling anyone, not going to anything, missing appointments, disconnected from the world, living of my inheritance.... but then, there's this fuzzy thing that happens, like I can't see into the future that far, where something changes, because, unlike normal, I'm not getting angry at myself...

whoa.

And... and I'm...not worried....

wow.

It's so relaxed. Like the weight of the world is being lifted from me.

And I keep imagining me, in that situation, not feeling bad about it, and then starting to worry about what's going to happen, and then remembering that I can't think that thought, in this imaginary scenario, so I wouldn't be doing that. I couldn't come back to that thought, ever.

I couldn't think that something wrong was going to happen. And maybe some stuff would happen. Some really heavy stuff, as I neglected certain responsibilities that I only upheld because I was afraid of not doing them. And got the repercussions. And then normally I would think, "oh, see, here's how bad I am, look at how all my bad actions are coming back to me"... but I couldn't think that, so I'd just...not see a problem with them. I'd still be a success. Maybe a success that hurt, but... still...a...

success.

This is amazing. This is a whole new world. I like this imaginary world, this imaginary me. It's blowing my mind, right now, as I type this. I'm going to play in this imaginary world for a bit now, if you'll excuse me. I'll maybe let you know how it turns out.

On a random note: how's this blog, for other people? I'm curious. Oh quiet watchers, I call you from the shadow places across the globe in quiet rooms with glowing screens; answer me.

Deja Vu again

I want to love you all the time. But sometimes my heart is full of bile and it hurts to try hurts to do anything close to my heart. I want to tell you I love you, but I'm afraid if I speak I'll hurt you again, no matter what I say.

It's not you I'm mad at, though I may blame you, though I may scream and bite. Ok, sometimes I am mad at you. But even then, it's not really about you. It's always about me. Not to be narcissistic, but it is. My anger and my love and my everything. Storys I tell about clouds as they pass by. I love you. Some times I prick myself, on the sharp parts of the world, and cry. Or get pissed off and try and break the pointy bit. Always, we are searching for something.

It's amazing how long a journey it seems to be. Just to get back to the simple truth. But my heart won't take any shortcuts. No matter how much my mind pulls and shoves.

I don't know any reason it works this way; it just does: you have to step every step of the way. It hurts. step, step, step. I'm alone. step.

I'm confused. step.

I don't know what to do. A trip, fall, skin my knee. Get back up. Step.

Am I ever going to make it? step.

Oh, I want that nice thing back. Where the fuck is it going!? Why is it leaving me. A long wait. finally, another step.

What if the truth was that you had never done anything that wasn't perfect? What if your job description was to do exactly what you did, are doing, right now? What if you were actually the greatest succes possible?

I'm not saying that's the truth. All I'm saying is, it's no less true than "you are a failure and you are not doing enough, not doing the right thing, and you are a bad person because of it."

You fear that if you don't hurt yourself for failing, if you don't fear failure, if you don't feel miserable for all the imagined things you haven't done, you will degenerate into your worst nightmare.

But maybe the truth is, if stop acting based on fear and loathing and guilt, the only thing left will be to act on that innermost voice within you, that knows your hearts desire.

This is a very simple idea. very simple. No need to complicate it. The idea is this:

maybe, who you are, what you do, is ok. What you think, what you feel. It's ok. The only people who matter, accept you and love you. No matter what you do.

Perhaps, fundamentally, you are wonderful.

Perhaps, fundamentally, you are God.

I need to forgive myself. If I want to stop being full of shame.

Sin

The original meaning of sin, as it was introduced biblically, was an archery word meaning, "to miss the mark."

This is much more accurate as a description of life than what the word sin has become nowadays: that is, something you have done that is wrong and must be punished, or something that makes you fundamentally a bad person, or something that is going to send you to hell.

I here officially mock the idea that God will punish you for doing bad stuff by sending you to hell. There is no concept that is more closely linked with the word "sheeple" than this. Your actions have results. Perhaps, if there is reincarnation (a concept that was a part of most religions, including christianity, until people decided it was to hard to controle people without eternal damnation) then the results come back to you in other lives as well. As good an explanation for crappy or good stuff happening that you didn't seem to precipitate as any other concept.

In any case, it is quite apparent to me that we make our own heaven and hell, and we make our own lives. If this is not apparent to you, fine, live as you perceive.

It is also apparent to me that God is good, and cares about his creation. And would never, every stoop to punishment. God is intricately linked with love, this I know. All else follows, and dogmas are easily seen though as defilement's of God's love or expressions of it. No need for jesus or buddha: what would Love do?

I am a fan of kissing: keeping it simple.

God is good, God is Love.

Truth is good.

Simplicity is good.

Violent religious zealots are fuckwads.

Unthinking, unfeeling masses are sending us to hell without even realizing it, because they have given over their brain cavity to the violent fuckwads.

Nature is pretty.

The unthinking, unfeeling masses can march us to heaven, by waking up and starting to think for themselves and especially feel the beating of there own heart.

You can't fuck it up. The worst you can do is miss the mark. The worst you can do is stop trying.

So keep taking those steps. One at a time. Pathetic and fail-ish though you may feel. There are only two options: stop, or keep walking. And it does get better, as you keep moving forward. It really does.

Mmmmm. Juice.

Today, we talk about the juicy stuff.

literally juicy.

No, not that litteral. No juicing apparatus.

Sex.

We talk about sex.

I've not talked about sex for a while.

Mostly, I just do it.

Sex.

No, not with other people. Prostitution is illegal most of the time, and frankly, I'm too embarrassed to try something like that, especially when I have other, much simpler and less dangerous options, like onanism. (Not the biblical one.)

and porn.

Women.

Women short and tall, rubenesque and skinny, blond an brunet and raven and red, scantily clad or fancily decorated. good girls bad girls sweet girls mean girls.

pretty girls.

I want to have sex with them.

Well congratulations Isaac, you've entered the 9/10ths of the entire male population club.

I don't want to have sex with them.

Wait, what do you mean by that? Why the hell wouldn't you want to have sex with them if you're not gay? You're swerving into some much less populated demographics.

I mean, what I want from them, isn't what sex is.

Well, sex can mean a lot of things. We've got all kinds of sex, my boy. All kinds. Maybe you just haven't found the right flavor yet.

Perhaps. But I intuitively feel that what I'm searching for, what gets spiked whenever I see something feminine and attractive, doesn't really fit into that word, sex. I think that because I have access to the internet, and frankly, if it was just a certain kind of sex, I probably would have found it, by now. You see, the thing is, I don't know what it is, that I'm looking for. All I know is that, regular as old faithful, I start getting this violent swirling of energy inside me, like a whirlpool, like a hurricane. It wants... something. Wants to do something. And seeing beautiful woman, makes it want to do that something, even more.

Porn now, porn is simple. When I was younger, it was new. And that was good enough. I like novel experiences. I like masturbation. It's fun. As a teenager, it was pretty close to essential, to keep me from going crazy. And it was fascinating. However, what I've noticed nowadays, is that if it wasn't for porn, I wouldn't masturbate nearly as much. Which is interesting, because the sexual energy inside me is still strong, and I'd be spending a lot of time uncomfortably energized, just because I didn't care enough to fix the problem through a simple bout of strangling the dolphin.

That's odd, that is. The only conclusion I could come to about this, is that my horniness isn't distinctly, well, sexual. In order to get rid of that energy, via sexual release, I have to actually change the quality of that energy, from something pre-sexual, into sexual, via looking at pictures of people having sex. I suppose I should deeply thank porn, because without it I would be significantly more hot and bothered than I am now. Porn, and the subsequent masturbation, gives me contentment and release, even if just temporarily. Sometimes guilt too, but that bit, I've found, is optional.

Well, is there something else I could be putting this... well, energy, to use in? I think actually yes is the answer. I think I could. But there's something stopping me. something that would be very nice to deal with:

Failure.

made popular in Isaac-vile by

Rejection.

There are all sorts of cool things I could be doing, but I don't want to do them, even as I desperately want to do them, because I am terrified of failing, yet again. Afraid of being rejected. Somewhere along the line, I got told, or shown, that when I didn't succeed at something, when I "sinned", it meant that I was a bad person. I "took it personally."

you know, there are some people, I'm thinking of certain olympic athletes, but they're in every field, who excel in their field, not because they are just naturally the best, though they are predisposed for what they do, but because someone taught them good as a kid, and they learned that everything is a lesson, and there is no such thing as failure, as long as you learn from your mistakes. And bless there little hearts, they believed it, and they became super awesome because when they fell off the horse, they'd get back on.

Me, not so much. I fall off the horse, I generally stay off the horse. Maybe take up cricket. Something less predisposed to falling.

what the fuck, ay? Obviously I "know better."

fuck you, me. It doesn't matter if I "know better." because I feel worse.

Your little precious intellectual sound bites?

worthless, by themselves. Worse than worthless, when you use them to tell yourself how you are a bad person.

What matters is not what you think, but what you feel and what you do. And that has to do with what you really believe. Which is not what you think.

"well Isaac" you say, "why don't you get off your whining ass and do something to change your belief and feelings about this, rather than just complain about it."

Slap to the face. first for being dickish. Second because this is what I am doing, right now: it just so happens that writing is a pretty good way to get clear on things and process through them, if done with intent. And this blog is nothing if not a showcase of process. And occasional off-color jokes.

Well, I think I'm done for the night. Or the morning, as our weird system of am and pm would have it. I'll probably come back to this, unless I decide to rant in a different, more private journal instead.

I'll leave you with something wonderful:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe1a1wHxTyo

My life is a hypobole.*

*pronounced "high-po-buh-lee"

Dream #32

I had a dream last night where an old friend was jamming there finger into my gut chacra until I started crying about how I didn't care about anything and so I didn't have any motivation to make anything happen and if that was my life than I mine as well be dead.

It felt good to get that out on the table.

It also felt good to cry.

This is not to say I discovered some miraculous truth: more like I discovered a big underlying belief that had been eating away at me. Once these things see the light of day, and get felt, they're on there way to being processed.

I use the digestive system analogy extensively, these days. It really is like emotions are food that you eat, digest, and shit out. except a lot of people have serous digestive problems, and are hugely constipated. Because you don't have a choice about eating them, but you do have somewhat of a choice about digesting them and pooping them out. Not a simple yes/no button, but the ability to either digest and poo, or hold it in. Also, there are things that can be done about indigestion. The problem is people refuse to admit they have digestion problems (or constipation problems.)

That is: they refuse to admit, even to themselves, that they are holding in emotions, ignoring them, pushing them away, doing everything except letting them be felt and thus passed through.

That seems to be the key: the feelings won't stop until you receive the information they are trying to give you, and to do that, you have to listen, and to listen, you have to feel.

fuck. me. (not in the good way)

I kind of hate myself.

OK, hate isn't quite the right word. It implies a violent emotion, one which desires to destroy or hurt the object of hatred. It's more a frustration and despair.

Why:

I have ideas about who and what I should be, and should be doing, and I'm not those people and I'm not doing those things. Or anything remotely close.

I'll give some illustrative examples:

I'm not a wildly successful entrepreneur for green technologies.

I'm not a world changing activist who inspires millions to take up arms against our destructive system and plant gardens.

I'm not a spiritual bad ass who gives up everything to find a perfect master and totally trusts in God.

I'm not a normal bad ass who one pointedly devotes himself to some mastery and uses it to better the world.

These are things that I am not. And I think they are better, more important jobs than mine.

The result of that is that I feel crappy about myself.

The solution is... I don't know, but it's been suggested that I try finding a way to truly appreciate and love myself, as I am. It sounds really nice and comforting, just to think of. Easier said that done though, as old habits are hard to kill.

Also with that understanding, comes the homework of being ok doing what I'm doing, rather than trying to do what I think I'm supposed to be doing. I'm here working on a dinky little pipe cleaner stick figure, while I'm looking over at Michelangelo, thinking I should be practicing making marble statues and shitting on myself for not doing so.

I have to start from where I am, and do what I'm capable of doing. maybe that looks really, really unglamorous. Maybe for some classes I need to be in the special needs class, and it's hard for me, when in other classes I'm in the Advanced Placement version.

That's right, I don't universally think I'm a horrible person. There are some things I recognize are good about me. Mainly because friends have told me so (I still have a lot of trouble recognizing these things for myself.) That often just makes me more upset about my shortcomings, because I blame them for keeping me from being able to share my gifts and actually do some good for the world. I feel like a grade A cretin, for being given so much and doing so little with it. But fuck you muther (*&^er, (this is the self hate coming through), I can't do what I can't do, and if I am special ed with something, that's what I am. There will always be someone better and worse than you at anything. If you hate yourself and tell yourself your crap at it, you'll feel like shit. Maybe you'll use that to motivate yourself to get better at it. But that never worked for me, or anyone I know, so if it worked for you, let me know, because I'd be interested in that story. It would be a new one.

The other option is to look to what you have done, what you do have, give thanks, and take the next step, from where you are. And take a look at what all the parts of you make up, and live from there. Maybe I'm not good at organizing and motivating myself. I've tried to get better at it, but I just kind of suck beans. Well, I'll do my best to improve that, but maybe I should find somewhere or someone who is good at that, and do what I am good at.

Accepting reality is a relief, because you can stop arguing with it.

This is all easy to say. very very easy to say. It is a huge fucking deamon to slay though. It's a lot of emotional slogging, a lot of work and learning.

But hey, at least that's one of the things I'm good at.

;)

I go once more into the breach, into the consciousness coal mines, for another day, month, or year of backbreaking, dirty, mean labor. I'll let you know when I find some gems.

A pretty girl pointing slightly to the left of the moon

I was looking at a pretty girl as scenery rolled by my car window, when she turned and started waving excitedly. I paused, dumbstruck for a bit, then smiled and waved back. She turned abit, and apperently saw me (I guess she was waving at someone right behind me?) and waved and jumped up and down a bit even more excited. It was silly and simply and nothing. But it made me happy in a way I haven't been in a while.

It is the simple things that make life lovely.

Isaac's Zen quote of the day:

"When pointing at the moon for someone, don't forget to take parallax into account."

July 4th, 2010

I am sad in a deep and tired way. This grieving process, it's not predictable. Sometimes things are just generally shitty, sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I castigate myself for what I didn't do. Sometimes I'm nostalgic, sometimes I furiously try to change my whole life around and do everything I've always wanted.

Sometimes many at the same time.

Mainly though, I'm tired. Tired in my bones. Tired because I don't care about life. It doesn't seem important, in this dark light.

I want to be a good person. I want to change the world for the better. I want to really deeply help people. I want to be successful in my own life, have a profession that sustains me and will sustain my family. Something I'm good at, something I master, something that I feel is genuinely useful to mankind, and something I enjoy doing, that feels meaningful, as well as fun.

And I think I'm really bad at that.

I've always been so hard on myself. I really genuinly hate myself, and that confuses me, because I'm not supposed to hate myself. Why do I hate myself?

As far as I can trace, it's because I have an idea about what I'm supposed to look like, and I don't look anything like that.

Am I not supposed to look like that? If not like that, then like what? what am I supposed to look like?