Sunday, January 2, 2011

so sad

sad. lonely. Isolated. Miserable. Paradise, vacation. Dust and ash in my mouth.

I am depressed, and that sucks.

Away from my friends, I shrivel and die.
Family is no help. I feel judged, trying to interact with them. It hurts. I run away. In there eyes I see the incredible weight of the self criticism I level at myself constantly. The weight of it is crushing and extinguishes the light from my world and the joy from my heart. I see the beauty and recognize it but do not feel it. It is difficult if not impossible to do anything that requires any effort at all since I am so unhappy and dispassionate that I see no reason to put myself through further discomfort, since It will do nothing to make me happy in my heart. lies lies lies. I tell myself and it makes me miserable. things i do will make me happier. not actually deeply happy, but certainly superficially happy.

I don't care about that though. perhaps i should, in order to be functional in the world, but i don't. I want deep satisfaction and joy that touches the deepest part of my heart and remains there, or else it isn't interesting to me. I am deeply confused. I feel too incompetent to take care of my self. my best friend in the whole fucking world shot himself, blew his head off, with a shotgun. what the FUCK!!!!!!!????????!!!!!!!!!!1

fuck me, I am the most Byronian, unfortunate put upon fuck in my awareness. I roll in it like a pig in shit. I revel in being the most wretched. I feel darkly justified in suffering, in not caring about anything.

just another thought. zero truth to it.

yet it has such a powerful effect on my body, my feelings, my actions. wow.

No comments:

Post a Comment