Dan was closer to me than any other human being or animal or idea or anything I have ever interacted with.
If I was gay, or dan was a woman, I would have married him. A while ago too. As it is, he's a man and gay sex is icky to me, so I'm going to skip that image
Dan and I were different in a lot of ways, but in all the important one's it felt like we were brothers, twins, almost, no, not almost, two half's of one whole.
I think probably less than .00001% of people on earth ever have as intimate a relationship as me and dan had.
We were each others confidants.
I told dan, and dan told me, things that will never be spoken to anyone else.
We were each others guru's.
We moved along at the same pace, bootstrapping each others evolution. The flavors were sometimes different, but it was like woman syncing there periods when they work together for a long time. It always ended up that, as we talked, it turned out we were dealing with the same fundamental issue underlying things. Our views, while divergent enough superficially to give rise to debates, was fundamentally identical. We both grew exponentially faster, having each other there to help us.
Except for the last few months.
We were each others supports. When we couldn't talk to anyone else about something, we could talk to each other. Hell, Dan's girlfriend of several years was jelous of the depth of relationship we had.
It is so exeptionaly rare to find a soul that is so resonent. Both Dan and I knew it. This relationship was not normal, was not something you could expect from life. it was something of extreme value and rarity, and we both had ridiculous gratitude for it, from the very beginning and never abating.
I really hope Dan isn't my soul mate, because he's a guy and he's gone from physical manifestation. But I wouldn't be surprised at all if he was. I could be sad and bitter that I can't give him a hug or have a regular conversation with him any more,... and I guess I am. But frankly, the extreme gratitude for such a rare opportunity, is much stronger. The fact that I had any time with such a relationship is a pure and extreme miracle and blessing.
I love you dan. I love you so much. No one but you, me, God, and the few blessed lovers/brothers who have had such a relationship, will ever know how much.
Today I got all my birthday letters, because I was gone for 9 days, starting on my birthday on my survival trek: the culmination of my 8 month primitive skills apprenticeship program. It was an awakening and reminder that, despite how uncomfortable it can be, being cold, wet, hungry, I love living out in the wilderness, as part of the wilderness enough to justify the unpleasant aspects. Though I also know damn well that survival doesn't have to be a struggle or a pain, but can be pure luxury and joy and adventure. As tom brown says, "if primitive survival is uncomfortable, it just means you skills suck." In any case, I was reminded that, despite being rained on and quite cold and cramped, I'd sleep in a debrie hut any day over a bed inside, or even a sleeping bag. not because I'm trying to be cool or extream or have some idea about living sustainably, but because sleeping in something natural, made of natural materials, in tune with the local enviroment, made by myself, and being woken up by first light to sit outside my little human-nest and worship God as he rises in glory over the unspeaably beautiful landscape, is worth every bit of back strain, sleep deprivation, dirtyness and wetness. And it only gets more comfortable from here, because I am constantly learning and getting better.
Anyways, the point is, for whatever reason, today is an extraordinarily significant day. It is a day of death and rebirth.
One final note on this thing we call "death":
it's a crock of shit.
there is no such thing as death. it's a fairy-tail invented by someone or some people, to scare little children into eating there oatmeal. I've never seen a single death, only transformation. If you believe in an afterlife, then you agree with me.
Except 'afterlife' is a bad word for it, since it's still life.
If you don't belief in an afterlife, then it doesn't really matter anyways. we're all going to die and go out like a candle and we won't be around to think about how terrible it is that we don't exist anymore. The fear is totally irrational and can be dropped without any negative consequences at all: just try and live as good and joyful and satisfying a life as you can. Really, logically, that is the only answer on how to live, eather way. The only difference is that, as seems highly probable, there is is an 'after' life, there's not even any illogical reason to be anxious about leaving the body.
Dan didn't say goodbye. That bugged me. But I understood, soon after, why he didn't leave a note:
we are all eternal.
there are no real goodbye's.
So there's no purpose in saying something like that.
that's why I usually end with something like:
be seeing you.
Until then: I'm gonna miss the hell out of you, dan.
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