fuck. me. (not in the good way)

I kind of hate myself.

OK, hate isn't quite the right word. It implies a violent emotion, one which desires to destroy or hurt the object of hatred. It's more a frustration and despair.

Why:

I have ideas about who and what I should be, and should be doing, and I'm not those people and I'm not doing those things. Or anything remotely close.

I'll give some illustrative examples:

I'm not a wildly successful entrepreneur for green technologies.

I'm not a world changing activist who inspires millions to take up arms against our destructive system and plant gardens.

I'm not a spiritual bad ass who gives up everything to find a perfect master and totally trusts in God.

I'm not a normal bad ass who one pointedly devotes himself to some mastery and uses it to better the world.

These are things that I am not. And I think they are better, more important jobs than mine.

The result of that is that I feel crappy about myself.

The solution is... I don't know, but it's been suggested that I try finding a way to truly appreciate and love myself, as I am. It sounds really nice and comforting, just to think of. Easier said that done though, as old habits are hard to kill.

Also with that understanding, comes the homework of being ok doing what I'm doing, rather than trying to do what I think I'm supposed to be doing. I'm here working on a dinky little pipe cleaner stick figure, while I'm looking over at Michelangelo, thinking I should be practicing making marble statues and shitting on myself for not doing so.

I have to start from where I am, and do what I'm capable of doing. maybe that looks really, really unglamorous. Maybe for some classes I need to be in the special needs class, and it's hard for me, when in other classes I'm in the Advanced Placement version.

That's right, I don't universally think I'm a horrible person. There are some things I recognize are good about me. Mainly because friends have told me so (I still have a lot of trouble recognizing these things for myself.) That often just makes me more upset about my shortcomings, because I blame them for keeping me from being able to share my gifts and actually do some good for the world. I feel like a grade A cretin, for being given so much and doing so little with it. But fuck you muther (*&^er, (this is the self hate coming through), I can't do what I can't do, and if I am special ed with something, that's what I am. There will always be someone better and worse than you at anything. If you hate yourself and tell yourself your crap at it, you'll feel like shit. Maybe you'll use that to motivate yourself to get better at it. But that never worked for me, or anyone I know, so if it worked for you, let me know, because I'd be interested in that story. It would be a new one.

The other option is to look to what you have done, what you do have, give thanks, and take the next step, from where you are. And take a look at what all the parts of you make up, and live from there. Maybe I'm not good at organizing and motivating myself. I've tried to get better at it, but I just kind of suck beans. Well, I'll do my best to improve that, but maybe I should find somewhere or someone who is good at that, and do what I am good at.

Accepting reality is a relief, because you can stop arguing with it.

This is all easy to say. very very easy to say. It is a huge fucking deamon to slay though. It's a lot of emotional slogging, a lot of work and learning.

But hey, at least that's one of the things I'm good at.

;)

I go once more into the breach, into the consciousness coal mines, for another day, month, or year of backbreaking, dirty, mean labor. I'll let you know when I find some gems.

fuck

my definition for ten years has been the seeker. I have been after something ultimate, something lasting, something some Indian dude called enlightenment and a million other names. I tried hard for it, because it promised a release from the suffering and insufficiency that was my life. I was lonely most of the time, depressed, full of self loathing, and incapable of carrying on a conversation with a girl I was attracted too. And some dude with a good beard said to meditate and realize God and I'd be blissed out and successful in action.

frankly, he wasn't lying. But my interpretation was a little too simplistic to be real, and if anything the things to quibble over are degree, not quality. Perhaps some of that just came with growing up. That's what my grampa implied, when I was trying to explain to him why I was so into meditation.

It's not true though. I just look at people, try to have a conversation with them and there is a huge gap in communication, with most people. They have no fucking idea what I am talking about. I've spent ten years going in, facing demons, willing to do whatever unsavory thing was necessary to find what is true, and deliver myself from the collective insanity we are infected with and indoctrinated with, seemingly from birth.

I'm being a bit hard on ignorance. It's not all that bad. But if you want to get out of it, disdain is a useful motivation. i don't feel like I'm out of it, but I've been moving out of it for a long time, with everything I've got. It felt like one of those bad dreams where you couldn't move quickly, where you were running through molasses, but every few years I'd look back and be stunned and how much confusion and constriction I had wriggled out of. and how much yet lies in front of me.

It is difficult work. School is easy in comparison. In school you are given a specific task. You are given criteria for success, you are given frequent evaluations, you are given information sources to use. You are told exactly what to expect. If the motivation is there to succeed, you can.

This journey into spirit, into reality, is not like that at all. There are maps, sure, but there are a million different maps, all giving different directions. And they all have different sounding objectives. And the criteria for success is variable and vague, if present at all. Imagine a classroom where a bunch of kids milled around in a room for a few days, with no purpose at all, and then a whole group of teachers came in, started talking at the same time, each giving different course assignments, contradicting other teachers, denouncing other assignments aside from theirs, gave only cryptic remarks about the grading criteria, and totally misleading information sources.

Does that instill confidence in the students? ah fuck it. this analogy sucks.

I'll just say this: if you don't have a strong motivation for school, you can still scrape by. If you don't have a strong motivation for spiritual growth, you are fucked.


The process seems to have subtly reversed. whereas I was once wriggling out of ignorance, now, I've reached the edge, found there is nothing beyond, and started wriggling back in towards the center, devouring it as I go so I have room to breath. There is no getting out of illusion. Illusion is the world. It is the point. It is a dream, a game. If it ends, there's nothing, or there's another dream, or game. which would you prefer? The trick is learning to be in the world but not of it. Like an actor who has forgotten he is just an actor, and is having a miserable time in the tragedy he's doing. When he remembers he's just an actor, doing what he loves most, then the play is enjoyed. It's still a play. He's still in it. But at least try to have fun with it. But how to do that, honestly (i.e. not just pretending)?

want it.
ask for it.
take the step that's in front of you.
then, take the next step that's in front of you.

as a fellow traveler, and this is not necessary information, but it is comforting information: it is possible. The freedom and joy you are looking for. It is possible. If you keep moving towards it, you will live it, eventually, and step by step. It won't look like you think it is. But it will be what you want.