fuck

my definition for ten years has been the seeker. I have been after something ultimate, something lasting, something some Indian dude called enlightenment and a million other names. I tried hard for it, because it promised a release from the suffering and insufficiency that was my life. I was lonely most of the time, depressed, full of self loathing, and incapable of carrying on a conversation with a girl I was attracted too. And some dude with a good beard said to meditate and realize God and I'd be blissed out and successful in action.

frankly, he wasn't lying. But my interpretation was a little too simplistic to be real, and if anything the things to quibble over are degree, not quality. Perhaps some of that just came with growing up. That's what my grampa implied, when I was trying to explain to him why I was so into meditation.

It's not true though. I just look at people, try to have a conversation with them and there is a huge gap in communication, with most people. They have no fucking idea what I am talking about. I've spent ten years going in, facing demons, willing to do whatever unsavory thing was necessary to find what is true, and deliver myself from the collective insanity we are infected with and indoctrinated with, seemingly from birth.

I'm being a bit hard on ignorance. It's not all that bad. But if you want to get out of it, disdain is a useful motivation. i don't feel like I'm out of it, but I've been moving out of it for a long time, with everything I've got. It felt like one of those bad dreams where you couldn't move quickly, where you were running through molasses, but every few years I'd look back and be stunned and how much confusion and constriction I had wriggled out of. and how much yet lies in front of me.

It is difficult work. School is easy in comparison. In school you are given a specific task. You are given criteria for success, you are given frequent evaluations, you are given information sources to use. You are told exactly what to expect. If the motivation is there to succeed, you can.

This journey into spirit, into reality, is not like that at all. There are maps, sure, but there are a million different maps, all giving different directions. And they all have different sounding objectives. And the criteria for success is variable and vague, if present at all. Imagine a classroom where a bunch of kids milled around in a room for a few days, with no purpose at all, and then a whole group of teachers came in, started talking at the same time, each giving different course assignments, contradicting other teachers, denouncing other assignments aside from theirs, gave only cryptic remarks about the grading criteria, and totally misleading information sources.

Does that instill confidence in the students? ah fuck it. this analogy sucks.

I'll just say this: if you don't have a strong motivation for school, you can still scrape by. If you don't have a strong motivation for spiritual growth, you are fucked.


The process seems to have subtly reversed. whereas I was once wriggling out of ignorance, now, I've reached the edge, found there is nothing beyond, and started wriggling back in towards the center, devouring it as I go so I have room to breath. There is no getting out of illusion. Illusion is the world. It is the point. It is a dream, a game. If it ends, there's nothing, or there's another dream, or game. which would you prefer? The trick is learning to be in the world but not of it. Like an actor who has forgotten he is just an actor, and is having a miserable time in the tragedy he's doing. When he remembers he's just an actor, doing what he loves most, then the play is enjoyed. It's still a play. He's still in it. But at least try to have fun with it. But how to do that, honestly (i.e. not just pretending)?

want it.
ask for it.
take the step that's in front of you.
then, take the next step that's in front of you.

as a fellow traveler, and this is not necessary information, but it is comforting information: it is possible. The freedom and joy you are looking for. It is possible. If you keep moving towards it, you will live it, eventually, and step by step. It won't look like you think it is. But it will be what you want.