Thursday, December 31, 2009

it's new years motherfucker

I like being able to swear. Thought I don't generaly like swearing. I realized something that bugs me, as being with family is apt to do: I hate being told or cajoled into doing things. It's one of the few things that still irritates me, is people trying to get me to do something. I don't know why it irritates me so much.

I think part of it is because I actualy feel like I have to do it. That is, I'm somewhat gullible, and guilty, and indifferent. If the right buttons are pushed, people can make me feel like I should do something, even when i know intellectualy it's a bad idea. I won't do it, but I will feel bad about not doing it like I'm somehow ungrateful or a bad person for not doing what other people tell me to do or expect of me. I'm sure this is a fairly ubiquitous aspect of the human condition, and I'm actualy less affected than many, probubly than most.

Still the feeling that I am being manipulated, or manipulation is being attempted, makes me livid, furious. Both with myself and other people too. Which is why brainwashing, of religious, spiritual, educational, political, or buisness orgin pisses me off so much. I get wrathful at subversive advertising, educating, indoctrinating, prosthelitizing.

It feels like a violation of our free will, of the very core of our humanity: our ability to think.

ha! an exaple from the line break above, when I got up to turn back off the porch light at the opulent palece I'm staying at: someone turned it on, without asking me, and left. they were not using this themselfs. It may have been the caterers, or it may have been a relitive. The thought that it was a relitive pisses me off. I can just hear the mothers voice in my head: "oh, don't you want more light here?" and then my response: NO, danmmit, I'm enjoying the stars, enjoying the darkness, the gentle glow from the pool lights, the soft glow of the horizon. NO I don't want the fucking lights on. (all that last bit just in my head) and then the cajoling, "oh, come on. are you sure? it's bad for your eyes you know...etc."

why is that so ungodly frusterating? why does it bug me so much to have someone else try to run my life? perhaps that sounds like a strange question, because of course it would piss you off to have someone try to run your life. but not so. there are people, there are cultures (india comes to mind) where that is expected. where it's unquestioned, accepted, perhaps even wanted. any thought you can think and belive, I'm sure you can find someone else who belived the opposite, or something opposite-like. It's all a thought, and that means it's all up for interpretation, belife or disbelife. everything everything everything. any thought you can think, even sensory perception. I'm reminded of some quotes from the matrix like, "you think that's air your breathing?" Anything you percieve in any way, vision, thought, feeling, belife. where is the inherent reality behind it?

you could go this way for a while, searching, and your world might fall apart, if the realizations sunk in. Or you could ask the ugly question: what's the point? I didn't ask the ugly question. I just went whole hog in search of something I could absolutly know is real. and frankly, eventualy, found it, to my satisfaction. But then there's nothing left to ask, but the ugly question.
However, the search changed me, and the finding eventualy mellowed me out, so it doesn't have such a discordant ring anymore. In fact, it even has an immediat answer for me.
"What's the point?"
"Whadday want it to be, sailor?"

you could even turn the question around on it's head, and ask what's the point of asking 'what's the point?'?

but in any case, the answer is very simple, as long as you've learned a little bit about not getting tangled up in the web of discursive thought. It's been said many ways, and I'll repeate some in a moment, but the iimportaint thing to note, as with most of the stuff I talk about here, is that hereing it doesn't do shit if it's not understood from experience. let me caps-lock this shit: YOU CAN'T SHORT CUT GROWTH BY HEARING/READING SOMETHING THAT SOUNDS NICE AND PRETENDING TO BELIVE IT. even if you convice yourself you belive it. You need to take the journey yourself. No shortcuts. No following someone elses path, because garunteed yours will be different, and if your trying to walk someone elses your not walking yours and thus your not going anywere. Those journeys only lead to one destination and that destination is the realizatioin that you've been walking in circuls, and then get out of that cul de sac.

Anyways. the answer. enjoy. be happy. follow your heart. those are some common phrases that denote this uncommon wisdom. If you don't have any false overlays on life and it's meaning, then the inherant meaning within you becomes obvious. there are things that you gravitate towards, that bring you joy and satisfaction, and things you move away from. What else does life boil down to? Live the life that makes your heart sing. Dance whatever dance you want to the music that's playing. If you don't like the music, try and change it. The point of the dance is the dance, the point of the game is the game. The point of beauty is beauty.

happy new year, according some random persons fancy. If this get's read on some other day than it was written, then I declair that day to be newyears as well, for you. so happy new years, still.

gtg, family dinner calling. will spell check later.

No comments:

Post a Comment