death spiral

.you know, this blog is as much for myself as for anyone else. It's useful, as an easily accesible journal, that creates it's own dates, and won't get lost, and never runs out of pages.

So this is just a note to my self, chronologically, so I can remember my last major down point/death-spiral.

cause: a mixture of Tales of Phantasia and shame.

Realizations:

I don't have control over my addictions.
I'm addicted to story, really hard-core.
Loneliness and Porn are connected intimately.

When I hurt myself, it is non-logical. And when I shame myself for my not in control actions, it sends me far deeper into depression.

Staying up really late makes me spacy, brain doesn't function well, and feel depressed and low energy. Also equal contributors to this state are lots of computer and no exercise.

The death spiral happened shortly after I did something I thought was very productive.

I use porn as a release, so I don't have to live with the un-ending antsy energy that is there otherwise. If I didn't have porn, I wouldn't mastrubate nearly as much, and I wouldn't... brain fuzzy.

hate myself for hurting myself, so that's hurting myself more, and I know if I go out and walk it will make it better, but I don't want to.. why? I've decided to punish myself, or is it like when I don't go to bed on time, no, like when I eat, instead of meditate or something and it gets timred. fuck this post . death