And THAT is what makes it horrible.
If I allow myself to accept it, feel it, it's currently an incredibly good feeling, even when it is a painful emotion.
I was afraid, of doing "it" wrong. I had such high expectations for myself, and I was terrified of failing, especialy since I was failing. Failing to be what I thought would save me from all the things I am afraid of:
I'm afraid to die, having lived a meaningless life.
I'm afraid to condemn myself to long periods of suffering.
I'm afraid of getting sick.
Afraid of living in misery.
Afraid of never finding happiness.
And so now never feels good enough, and I am so sad, for my weaknesses that make me like I am, rather than acting like the person I believe would be living a meaningful life, a joyful and healthy life, a successful life.
I am afraid that if I just let myself be ok with the moment, I won't become that person, ever, and I'll doom myself to unhappiness and failure.
Like most of our beliefs about how life works, this one was backwards.
What was truly unbearable was not staying up late or playing video games, but being afraid that I couldn't handle the consequences that brought. Fearing what I was creating so much that I refused to experience it.
It's easy to see now, how that is driving my escapism. It's lovable, like a child afraid of the dark, and understandable.
But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop being escapist. Have to learn to crawl first, and that means simply feeling again. realizing intense emotions, even physical ailments, are safe. safe to live in.
This is the reason that the fundamental fear of humanity is intrinsically linked to identification with a body. When you think you are a body, a mind, then you can be destroyed, fail, be hurt. And so we run away from those experiences. But true dis-identification, or non-attachment, is actually a place where, because of the awareness that you are not a body, but something unending, that's wearing a man suit and dreaming a man dream, because of that awareness (not thought or philosophy, but direct seeing/feeling) you feel safe enough to step into that experience, and live it fully.
It's paradoxical sounding, because we are used to the dis-identification born of really strong egos that are so afraid of being hurt or ended that they try to keep from feeling life. By going numb, by distracting themselves, by above all avoiding their feelings. The spiritual dis-identification is completely opposite. It's like something really tense that's been holding itself into a tight, hard lump, relaxing and flowing into all the cracks, right up against everything.
And that seems to be coming from letting myself feel what is there to be felt, now. And that feels safe because I've been doing a lot of work with this really strong and deeply held belief. A lot. There is more. I very much look forward to the time when I can post a blog entry, looking back several years, and say, "yes, life is pretty generally wonderful. All the realizations I've had, they've rooted and grown, and are permanent ways of being. And all my constrictions are released. The process is quick and automatic, if anything new comes up. Life is beautiful, deeply enjoyed, and it has been through thick and thin, for so long that I really can't see that deviating, and so I am fulfilled, and life is as I always thought it should be."
As a little kid, I really didn't know if this was possible. I thought maybe it was a fairy tail, but I chased it anyways, because it seemed like the only thing worth chasing. And after so many years of effort, I saw that it was a real live possibility. I still don't know how much time it will be, but I am confident it will come about, eventually, and that makes me deliriously happy. Like being told, eventually, I would get to become my childhood superhero. And it will not look like I think it will look. But it will be everything I wanted, and more. And it will not end.
These things, I am confident it. They are lights in the darkness of my journey, far from over. They give me hope.
Seek, and ye shall find. Knock, and it will be opened
the kingdom of heaven is within.
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