Wednesday, March 3, 2010

voices in my head: introduction

It feels very nice to recognize and acknowledge the different voices inside of me. I used to suffer because I would feel pain and confusion and assume that was the only thing I was feeling, because I thought I could only be one way at a time.

But I was wrong.

There is a voice within we that is completely untouched. Untouchable. It doesn't care what happens. Torture or death or holocaust or winning the lottery or developing superpowers or world peace.

There is a voice within me that sees beauty everywhere and loves everything deeply and personally, and flows constantly in gratitude for every second and aspect of existence.

There is a voice within me that wants to kill myself from loneliness, or run away right now, back to the people I love, back to the familiar places.

There is a voice within me that hates it when I do anything less than saintly. When I miss a sunset, when I go to bed late, when I postpone work or art for watching movies or answering emails.

There is a voice within me that delights in playing video games and writing emails to friends and reading spiritual books and eating good food and watching good porn.

These voices are not exclusive. This confused me at first. I would be despondent and shamed, and at the same time, not care how horrible I felt. Or at the same time, feel sadly grateful.

I wanted the happy voices but not the dark ones. But the any attempt to get rid of the angry, painful, depressed voices just made them louder.

What feels good right now is giving each voice it's due. They all are allowed to voice what they have to say. And in seeing this internal story, I'm realizing that each are equally valid, and the only factor that makes one seem more important or bigger than the other is my attention on it.

Also, it helps to yell and jump around expressing what I'm feeling without inhibition. (window shades carefully drawn and lights low.)

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