Sunday, August 29, 2010


It's almost too cliche; as my best friend dies(/is killed by himself), a baby is born into my family. End of movie. Fade to black. Cue credits and touching music. Nonetheless, that's what happened. Within about two months of the suicide, a birth. Perhaps I'm creating order and meaning out of meaningless static. They've got a word for that. It's a natural tendency of the human mind, to recognize patterns. Thus, seeing faces in the knots of some interesting wood, or in the stucco of a ceiling, if you stare long enough. However, I notice this with a certain tongue in cheekyness, not attempting to draw overmuch meaning from the incident, except noting the interesting effect created by that juxtaposition:

Life goes on.

we keep making babies, at an unsustainable rate, no less, and so the race goes on. Holding my newborn niece in my arms, this is the thought that kept coming into my mind. "This little lump is going to be a teenager in 16 years. Now, she is simple, her life is eating and sleeping and growing. Her understanding is barely different from a newborn kitten. But in a year, she will be learning things no other animal will ever get close to understanding. In ten, she will have a full mind, likes, dislikes, self-consciousness, a distinct personality. Another ten, she will be a grown up like me. I looked at her and saw her future, her life. The person she would become. A whole person. A whole life.

I suppose dan could have lived another three times as long as he did. Another three lives. Then again, any of us could die at any time. These bodies are not invincible. But whether it's dan that grows up in this world or Noa (my niece's name), someone will. Someone will inherit the earth. Someone will screw and have the next generation. Hopefully they won't just screw but enter into the procreative act with love and intention, but it's not necessary, apparently. If it was we wouldn't have an overpopulation issue but an extinction issue, at least until the figured out what was wrong.

The baby is cute, just like all babies are. Kittens, puppies, and sprouting sunflower seeds, they all have this beautiful freshness, newness to them.

That's not a good enough reason to have a baby though, since they're a crapload of work. Few if any animals are as helpless as a newborn human baby. Animals in general are tougher than humans. We've traded that in for adaptability.

I still want to have kids though. Not because I think it's cute, or I'm supposed to, or I've got some idea that it will make me happy. All those things may be true, but the main reason I want to have kids is I think I'd be a good parent, and I want to give that to some kids. Most of what we learn from our parents is by osmosis. Not what they tell us but what they are. I've focused my whole life on becoming a good person, on healing myself first, and doing what I think should be done, rather than telling others to do what I myself have not. When I see someone doing something I don't like, I look within, and see if I can change that behaviour in myself.

It appears that, for the most part, people in our society do not grow. They get older, but they stay basically the same, inside. That is not the way it has to be. I myself am constantly morphing, purifying out constrictions, fears, illusions. And it makes my life richer, day by day.

I'm not even particularly good at it. There are lots of people I've read about that seem to go about the process I'm doing much quicker. Maybe they're better at it than me. Maybe they were born less messed up than me. Don't know, doesn't matter.

A lot of what I do, in terms of my own growth, I do for the next generation. I think, I hope, that they will start off closer to where I am when I have them. I have dreams, for who I want to be, but I don't see them happening, for myself. Not this lifetime. Not at the speed I'm going. I'll still try, because there's nothing better to do, but maybe I can give it to the next generation. What they do with it is not my concern. They will have to make there own choices when the time comes. For now, my job is to make myself ready for them.

This is of course jumping the gun a bit on a more immediately relevant issue: how to pick up chicks.


1 comment:

  1. Couldn't you be a teacher? Or do exciting fun after school programs mentoring kids who's parents are too busy working to put food on the table to have much "quality time" with their own children? It seems there are plenty of children. It seems you could achieve your goal without picking up chicks. (Frankly--why would someone want to be thought of/pursued as a means of reproduction. "Hey, you there, I want kids, you same capable of co-creating some." Or in general, a means to an end. Wait--is that how life works? Niches? Everything perpetually providing services, or being useful to, lots of other beings, and in that having meaning in life? And would it also follow that means and ends are one and the same in a beautifully process-oriented flow of life? For products feed into processes, are part of processes, yes? And the process is the evolution, the fun . . . the Peter Pan-ness, or perpetual sense of wonder inspiring scientists and poets and causing dogs to roll in the grass and chase rabbits and cats' eyes to be so large and gleaming, and young birds to flutter newly feathered wings. I wonder what inspires rocks and dewdrops--temperature is involved in the latter, the former a sort of integration of everything?)