Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Current status

It's hard to describe how I'm doing right now. It's hard to know that. I've gone through huge changes in the last few months. That's what my memory tells me. But I can't feel that. I only feel the changes when I'm in the midst of them, screaming like a little baby, helpless and confused and not caring much that this discomfort is allowing me to open in new wonderful ways. When the discomfort is there, I'm just thinking and feeling the discomfort. That's my job.

I've been dealing, and have dealt with, some huge failure issues. I'm currently dealing with sex, relationship, and self-love issues. I'm a very different person than I was, three months ago. Dealing with the suicide of your closest friend will do that. But that can either destroy you, or be a portal into deep levels of healing and growth. There's nothing in this world that isn't safe. Pain is safe, injury is safe, death is safe. The only thing that feels unsafe is you beliefs about these things. And that is something mental, and can be seen clearly, and thus unwound. And often the only way you even find these areas of pain is when something crazy happens, something you absolutely, really strongly don't want to happen. And then it happens and it hurts in all sorts of ways and you get to be led by the pain to the places within you that are scared or angry, the areas of darkness in your heart, "where the sun don't shine."

And with a good pure, simple method of piercing through that darkness (and it requires awareness, you can't just tune out and let something else deal with it.), the worst thing that could happen to you is your greatest gift, once you are done unpacking it.

I recommend Byron Katie, I recommend Tree Preaching, I recommend feeling the body. If you don't know one of these things, drop me a comment if your interested in an explanation.

I don't care what method you use, just fine one that works for you. Works means: the emotional block that was bothering you, gets dealt with, and gets dealt with quickly, because this process doesn't need to take a huge amount of time, if your doing it correctly. And works means that, to whatever extent you've dealt with it, you've dealt with it for good. This is not about things that you distract yourself from, or pretend away, only to have them come back bigger and stronger than ever once the stimulus gets big enough that it breaks through your wall of denial/distraction.

When you finish work on an emotional issue, that level of the issue is done, gone, no longer exists and an energetic block in your emotional body. You will almost certainly meet it again on a deeper and more profound level, when it's time, but you will notice serious differences in how you act and react in situations related to the issue. You may have to use your memory to make this comparison though, because once an emotional block is really gone, it's like it never existed at all, and so its hard to remember it was ever that bad, because the memories that involve that issue have lost there emotional charge.

That's my experience, anyway.

Current Issue theme: Sex and Romantic Relationships as addictions (addictions to fantasy or onanism, in my case.) And self love.

On the horizon (maybe): Boredom, and feeling like I'm not doing anything useful.

Current physical status: Fairfield, Iowa. Sitting on a futon I'm using as a bed at a friend's house. Thick, egg shell colored cotton sheets. A bowl of cereal to my right, a wireless router in front of me that makes a constant, high pitched screeching sound at all times that I imagine is what it's like for mice living somewhere that someones plugged in one of those ultrasonic "mouse be gone" emitters. A white noise creating AC unit to my left, drowning out all sounds not in this room. It's dark because all the Venetian blinds are shut, to keep the heat of the day out. I'm about to delete some of my porn collection from my little laptop, so I won't worry if it breaks or someone decides to snoop around in it. Then, I'm going to go get some weird type batteries for my camera, because I found an old but nice film camera in my aunts house, alone with a bunch of unused film. I've been considering getting a digital SLR or slightly lower end nice camera, but I didn't, because I wasn't sure if I'd actually use it. So now I can find out. If I use all the film up, then I guess I would. If not, then I've just saved a couple hundred bucks.

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