Saturday, August 21, 2010

Insanity and Relationships

Girlfriends. Romance. Addiction.
It's not fair to anyone, the illusions we cast over ourselves and other people, playing make believe. I was never good at acting charming. I used to be good at manipulation, but it hurts way to much to do that any more. So my illusions hurt mainly just myself. Internal fantasy, rather than externally acted out. I guess it hurts the people in that they don't get to meet the cool person named Isaac, when I withdraw.

And it certainly hurts me, when I decide I need someone else to be happy, and I don't have someone else. I'd like to meet me, and become intimate with that person. But I have the hardest time of all loving myself. But I'm the only one I can count on for sure. If I can't get what I'm searching for, inside, then getting it outside is a lot harder for me.

Not for some people. Not everyone has trouble with getting relationships. Perhaps most people have trouble getting relationships that are consistently nice, but they still exist. And probably without all the time spent on internal work that I've spent. Most likely, I'm either in a remedial class, or else I've just got a specific relational problem. Or else it's just a part of my personality that's not actually a problem but becomes a problem because I think it should be different, and because I think I need to have a relationship to be happy.

Lets take a look at a transactional relationship analysis of recent days.
Me meet girl. Previous acquaintance. Attracted to girl, think that I want a relationship with girl. Want to share my feelings honestly about these feelings, way, way, way too much thinking beforehand about it. What I'm going to say. Hundreds, maybe thousands, of conversations in my head. None of them satisfactory, because I don't know what a satisfactory initiation of "dating" looks like. My experiences with dating girls has been woeful. Perhaps not significantly more woeful than the rest of the population, is essence, but in appearance, more woeful, because they haven't even resulted in a relationship. Part of that is my inability to date someone I'm not attracted too. It feels sleazy to me. Like I'm using there infatuation for my own personal ego stoking. I want something mutual, but perhaps that is too much to ask for the beginning of a relationship.

Anyways, girl mentions "incidentally" that she is dating someone. Obviously she wants to clarify our relationship, not get my hopes up, because I've been fairly upfront and I'm sure she strongly suspects, if not outright knows, that I have a crush on her. I on the other hand, am very confused about her. Sometimes I think she's interested in having a relationship, other times (certainly when she has a boyfriend) there is definitely not that vibe there. Not sure if she 'just wants to be friends' (blow my brains out, but fine, at least I've got someone who really triggers my emotional romance issues to help me find hidden places of pain) or is keeping me around as a back up boyfriend (not sure how I feel about that either, kind of disposable and cheap.)

Anyways, I get sad, because when I ever have expectations about women and romance they get kicked in the balls repeatedly and then thrown into a sewage treatment pool with concrete boots on. (the ideas, not the women) This is no exception. Expectation = let down, in my book, specifically in regards to women/romance.

What I really need is probably very simple: I need to learn how to give to myself the feelings of acceptance, love, safety and constancy of love, and worthiness that I seek through the validation of a loving partner. I think there must be more to it though, since there are plenty of people who have relationships and still seek those things. I think part of that is maybe an ability to settle. Another part is an ability to present an attractive image and be charming. Another part is perhaps the ability to quickly connect with people and keep then interested/feeling good around you.

I'm not sure if I should try and develop these skills, or just work on the primary problem:
that I am deeply attached to having a relationship. it would be a lot simpler, perhaps, if I could actually just get a relationship and then see for myself if it gave me any of what I'm looking for. I know, in the part of my mind that's not insane, that it won't. Just like I knew with sex. With sex I ended up learning through experience. It was useful to know, but it was only necessary because I didn't trust myself and my knowing.

So I need to trust myself, here, if I want to move through this issue quickly.

Here's the problem in a nutshell: I have a strong attachment to having a relationship where I like a girl romantically and she feels the same about me. I get my feelings of love and particularly worthiness, from other people, though it always feels partial, not enough. I believe, insane as it is, that someone I 'love' 'loving' me the same way, is how I will finally be able to believe in myself. Without that, it seems impossible. That love is an ideal for me. it's the highest, bestest most complete form of acceptance and validation I can imagine. The fact that I haven't had that kind of relationship is proof to my subconscious that I am not worthy, not a worthwhile human being. Maybe this is hard to believe that someone could actually think this way, but it's entirely probable that you, the reader, have something that you believe that is of a similar level of insanity. the trick is it hides itself, justifies itself, so you don't see it. Because if you did see it, it would start to shrivel up and die in the light of obvious common sense.

However, with some of these big issues, even recognizing the insanity isn't enough to heal it. Eventually, the belief is hanging on through shear emotional tenacity. It is completely illogical, it is just a crazy person, railing against the world, blinded and maddened by hurt or fear or rage.

Like this thing. The bottom line is, for whatever reason, I feel like the crud you scrape off the bottom of your shoes with a stick, and I see a mutual romantic relationship as a way out.

No wonder there is so much energy being put into it. It's almost unavoidable, for anyone put into a similar internal environment: factor a) you feel horrible. factor b) you've been led to believe that there is a way out of feeling horrible.

It's an innocent movement, though it is sad in that it's doomed from the get go.

But until I can find a way to give myself the feelings I'm looking for, I too am doomed to search for it. As long as I'm suffering and sad, I'm not going to stop searching. The pain eggs me on. Say what you will, but pain is an powerful motivator.

The best I can do, as far as I can figure, is to search in the most likely location. Which is within me. As for methodology, I think my principle angle is the right angle for this problem: Truth. Be truthful. Particularly with yourself.

I am grateful for the opportunity to heal, though it hurts quite a bit.

signing off


  1. I don't know, man. If I'm hungry for a banana, I go to the store and get one. I don't spend time trying to develop "the banana within."
    It sucks to be hungry, and yes you can come to terms with hunger, but you're still going to have to actually eat real food if you want that pain to subside.

  2. This is part of the conclusion I reached last night/this morning. In my particular instance, with my personality type, it's at least worth a good collage try to do the hard thing and try being active without retreating into the safety of my own mind.

    On the other hand, it's not as easy for me as you make it sound. Different people have different strengths and weaknesses. Also I think it's interesting that you seem to be implying that self-love and acceptance is not real love and acceptance ("real food"). That's a pretty common belief that no one will admit to believing because they're too out of touch with themselves. And even even if they admit to it, like I do, changing it is a much bigger deal than that. People don't seem to understand that real energetic, emotional change is possible so they just try and "change their mind" and assume that's all that can be done, whereas actually it's about as useful as re-arranging your rock collection while you are being bombed. The problems not having "wrong" beliefs, but feeling shitty.

    I've been reading some interesting literature on Relationship and Romance addiction which is, apparently, the more common form of relationship in our society. And that's not true intimacy, that's getting a fix, and I'm not interested in that anymore, since I realized what it was, so I am going to be doing internal work till I have the ability to have a real relationship. That may mean not trying to create a romantic relationship, but since actually doing something sounds scarier, that's what I'm going to do. And that may not contradict working on myself internally. Most likely it will help it by giving me material to work on. I'll just have to try it and see.