Thursday, October 7, 2010


I love my friends.
my real friends.
and wouldn't you like to know who those are.
though you may, if you are one.

I love them and am thankful for them, more than most people ever are. Because they are so important to me. Because they are the brightest part of my life.

and now try to understand that deep down, I don't trust any of them to stick with me to the bitter end. Not that I don't trust or love them. But I am honest. With myself and with others. And truth states that I can rely on some of them a lot, but none of them absolutely. There is no guarantee they will be there tomorrow. People move, loose interest, get a girlfriend/boyfriend and stop making the effort, get offended, change, and die.

I never expect anyone to save me, change me, heal me, care about me love me. Because it hurts way to much to expect any of that and then be let down. But that leaves me very lonely sometimes.

So much of human nature is self-serving and fickle. The more I am aware of my own processes, the more I'm aware of others.

I suppose the only thing to do, as always is be that which I wish to see. And let my feeling being uncared for serve a good purpose in motivating me to care for others.

I will make use of my friends as I can, as they are available, to share and play with, but I only have one person who I know will never leave me, and that is who I must develop my main friendship with.

I don't know how, yet. I'm working on it.

on an apparently opposite note, I'm making a distinct effort to spend more time with friends, and it is paying off in my general happiness and energy levels. As I believe I've said before, I have refused to accept my unhappiness, my depression and emptiness, and I won't stand for any excuses or obstacles in the way. I'm also getting in touch with my anger and rage and frustration, which is an interesting experience. It's very satisfying to have a private place to scream and swear and beat on pillows as I vent my rage and indignation that's been pent up for so long. It scares me a bit, but it is a healing process. I just need to be careful I don't accidentally let it out on people.

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