I do not know if it is possible for me to live a live where my base state is full of joy. I think it is a possibility. And I'm working towards it.
Again? Yes, again. With a little more wisdom, and a little more practicality. I gave up before, in bitter disgust, time and time again, only to be shown a ray of hope at the last minute. And so I keep going.
Last night, lying in bed, I just gave up. Gave up my worrying, my constant tensing in anxiety, wondering if I'm doing enough, or even the right thing. It's a movement, not an event, and it is conscious. I gave it up to the benevolent intelligence that runs things, and I gave it up for my favorit representation and personality I use to connect with it on a personal level.
It felt really, really good. It's kind of tricky to do. Perhaps I'll practice.
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