Saturday, June 12, 2010


today it finally hit me somewhat, what has happened. I was thinking about the fun vacation me and my friend had, out in North Carolina. And that led me to reminisce about all the fun times we'd had together. the though, "I love having adventures with you." came to mind.

I was true: life was just way more fun, living it with my friend. I was more playful, I did thing I wouldn't otherwise do, I was somehow egged on to be more me. And the adventures we had together, be it walking in the park or driving back from the airport, were just... really fun.

And finally I began to understand, what a great deal has been lost from my life. Like you wake up to find half your cloths gone and your nice car replaced with a 200$ junker, and your house replaced with a tent and some dirty blankets. My life has just lost an aspect of it that added an incredible amount of richness. That relationship, those fun times, that could have gone on till we were old men--

I am very sad.

but I am glad I am beginning to do what I set out to do:
when this happened, one of the first things I realized what this was to big for me to wrap my mind around, and so I had to somehow find a way, over time, to do that. And that is what's happening.

It is hard, I'm having trouble finding motivation to do much of anything, at the moment. But it is moving, slowly.

Did I mention I got sick? It seems like a quick thing, thankfully, probably a result of the depressed immune system caused by grief along with traveling by airplane, which always messes with me.

I'm not sure if my writing is conveying this sense, so I will just say it: I am not worried, about if I will get through this. Though I am weak and sad and tired, there is a deep determination and confidence in me: I will be ok. It will all be ok. I've had this for several years, and nothing has been able to shake it, and it has in fact grown ever stronger. It's not at all intellectual. It's just a mad certainty in my bones and in my heart. It's only grown stronger since my friend died, since, for some reason, that experience got rid of my fear of death being an end. And if it's not an end, then we will all, eventually, get where we are going.

I -- Love -- You

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