Monday, June 14, 2010

thick description

"in anthropology now, the term "thick description" refers to a dense accumulation of ordinary information about a culture, as opposed to abstract or theoretical analysis. It means observing the details of life until they begin to coagulate or cohere into an interpretation...I'd like to see thick description make a comeback. Apart from sheer sensuous pleasure, it gives you the comforting feeling that you're not altogether adrift, that at least you have an actual context to enter into and real things to grapple with."
-Anatole Broyard

I think that might be a good idea, for the anthropology of my life.

The red huckleberries that I'm visiting once a week are now starting to bear there gorgeous edible red berries (I do so love shiny red berries that are edible). I left for two weeks and everything has already happened. I missed the budding, flowering process. sad. Things change so quickly, when it's finally time for change. If you're distracted for a moment, you'll miss it's beautiful birth.

I want to dance.
Not my personal, therapeutic dance where I get deeply in touch with how I am feeling and process through it while making deranged faces, sounds, and movements.
My silly, spastic, sexy (usually in turns, not all at once) dancing to semi-bad pop music. Which is therapeutic in it's own way. I like the body. I can, at any time, sink into utter amazement at the very fact that I can move at all, that somehow magically I have control over this flesh puppet referred to as Isaac's Body. And that it can feel so wonderful, to move it to a beat and melody. And that it can be so entertaining, even for me, doing it. I doubt I will ever loose this wonder, or joy, though sometimes I go months or even years, without partaking in it.

Dance is like song: something primal, something with us as long as we had music, something directly linked to heart, to emotions, to the earthen body we live in. Something that lets us express, finally, what we are feeling inside. I should maybe sing more, sing something like how I dance, without words, without premeditation, all heart and now, no lies. it's much more difficult to find a place to sing like that though. With dancing, I just have to make sure nobody can see me. With song, it's hearing, and curtains and walls won't stop the volume of singing I sometimes do. Just as I've never danced the dance of myself in front of anyone else, I've never sung the song of my heart to anyone. When I wanted to sing, i would walk to the park late at night, listen for any sounds, slip deep into a shadowy path, and only then sing, cloaked in the anonymity of the night. Perhaps I'll try that again some time. but for now, dancing is good enough.

It's late, my sickness is in that almost gone but dragging out for a while stage, and my back is sore. Maybe some asanas in the morning. (pet peeve: people calling asanas "Yoga" be precise here people. Its like calling a friend, "mammal" rather than by their first name.

I signed up for a free online dating site called "plenty of fish" several months ago, then ignored it for a while. Now I'm back. It's really fucking weird. You have to wonder, what kind of people use an online dating website? is that really a useful way to meet people? I also have to ask myself, do I really want a girlfriend, out here? There is something in me that really doesn't want to get emotionally involved with someone if I know it's not going to be long-term and we're going to have to break up, because that sounds cruel. Then again, maybe I should give it a try before making my judgements. Which is why I'm pursuing it in the first place. I kind of feel like I should at least try dating someone, try to make that kind of relationship work, so I can at least become aware of what I need to work on, and what skills I have are good enough. And so I can know if I want that kind of relationship.

I know I want a deep romantic relationship already, but I don't know about the more casual side of it, and I wonder sometimes if I need to learn that as a pass-through stage. I suppose it's always possible I'll just meet some hot girl who I really click with and she automatically likes me too, but I think, if it's important to me, I should do what I can to stack the odds in my favor.

I'm out of toothpaste and am now using stand-ins, like mouthwash and baking soda.

I've been reminded that we use soft addictions, (like Internet, movies, cheap romance novels, cheap romances, etc etc.) to keep from feeling our feelings. And since feeling my feelings is exactly what i want to do, the easiest way there is to simply stop my soft addictions and let what I'm searching for (my feelings) come to me. For as long as I can stand it. And when I want it to stop, I can always go back to emails and erotic harry potter fan fiction.

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