Friday, July 30, 2010

Happenings and wishes

things start to become clearer. The thread of my life that was dropped so that I could process my loss, is at the very beginning of getting picked up again. There will be more, always. For now, let it be noted: I'm on an upswing.

There is a block in my throat, energetically, emotionally. A block in my flow of expression. it needs to be opened. It's being opened. It's giving me a tremendous headache. That and the over-intense workout I just did.

today, you are my spiritual lesson.
the lesson is: when following other peoples orders to push harder, you can push yourself to your very limit. And you do, ignoring your own voice within that tells you when it's really appropriate to stop. And when you do that (ignore your inner voice), you suffer, your life goes out of balance. When you listen, your life comes into a harmony, synchronicity, and magicalness that is worthy of re-telling around a campfire.


p.s. It is feeling really nice, listening to myself. Which means: when I don't want to do something, I stop, when I want to do something, I do, when I don't know what I want to do, I wait till I do.

And whatever I think, is met with a passive acceptance.

I'm ending tonight with gratitude, because that is something I can always do, that feels right. Gratitude is interesting. Things are beautiful, and that is appreciated, and gratitude is somehow the aggressive form of appreciation, which is receptive. The universe is a gift to me, and my spontaneous gift back, is appreciation. Though it's not totally spontaneous. It requires a conscious decision, to put my awareness on it. Thus it becomes a really nice gift.

It's interesting how I feel like I don't want anything, but in actuality, there are lots of things I want. How does that work? It's like, the things I want are skin deep. Just entertainment. There's a tacit understanding with the universe that whatever happens, is ok. There are things which my heart desires, but they are superficial desires, and I can't take them very seriously. When I look back in my memory, for something especially amazing, to ask for again, if a genie popped up, I'd have a hard time. Three wishes, go:
trivial things:
I'd like to be able to fly, unaided, like super man.
I'd like a teacher, in the flesh, who matched with my learning style, and could help bring me to my highest potential. And was dedicated to doing so. Who I meet, and spend whatever time is necessary with them.
I'd like to be reincarnated whenever I die, and come back where I left off, evolution-wise, and with resources to support my goals of full development.

The first wish is purely for fun. The second is already fulfilled, in all important aspects, by what I call God. The meeting in flesh is for my own vanity and lack of faith. And I think it's likely that death will function like that for me.

You see why my desires are taken lightly then. The important one's are fulfilled, and the rest are just for shits and giggles. Sometimes they are fulfilled, and I shit and giggle. Sometimes not, and I've already forgotten. Or I'm rejected and I feel bad for a while. I feel bad in regular cycles anyways, so no real change there.

ok, lets try going to bed again.

First, laundry folding.

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