July 4th, 2010

I am sad in a deep and tired way. This grieving process, it's not predictable. Sometimes things are just generally shitty, sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I castigate myself for what I didn't do. Sometimes I'm nostalgic, sometimes I furiously try to change my whole life around and do everything I've always wanted.

Sometimes many at the same time.

Mainly though, I'm tired. Tired in my bones. Tired because I don't care about life. It doesn't seem important, in this dark light.

I want to be a good person. I want to change the world for the better. I want to really deeply help people. I want to be successful in my own life, have a profession that sustains me and will sustain my family. Something I'm good at, something I master, something that I feel is genuinely useful to mankind, and something I enjoy doing, that feels meaningful, as well as fun.

And I think I'm really bad at that.

I've always been so hard on myself. I really genuinly hate myself, and that confuses me, because I'm not supposed to hate myself. Why do I hate myself?

As far as I can trace, it's because I have an idea about what I'm supposed to look like, and I don't look anything like that.

Am I not supposed to look like that? If not like that, then like what? what am I supposed to look like?