the first loop of elaboration on surrender.

it is thanksgiving
it has been almost exactly a month since I had a big realization about control. From that surrender, all of a sudden, I started acting the way I wanted to be acting, for all my life. But not because I wanted to be acting that way any more. Just the opposite, it was because I was surrendered into what was, including entirely my normal behavior of being very quiet, inactive, and as I self debasingly refer to myself, "lazy." But soon after I realized I was starting to do all the things I'd always wanted to do, the ego took over and claimed ownership. Oh, look at me everyone: I'm finally shaping up like I always wanted to.

and then it went away, of course. And it took me nearly a month to come full circle, to realize what had happened, and what the original thing that was successful, was. This is what I'm talking about, with the cycles of forgetting and remembering. They seem to be an integral part of the spiritual journey. Which is, as far as I can tell, just the life journey, going through a specific phase.

A model that seems fairly accurate is: start in ignorance: everything is fine. Then, begin the downward slope that is leading to a spiritual break: something is not quite right. Finally snapping and beginning a very focused attempt to get out: everything is wrong. And eventually, an upward climb again: everything is good. Or at least some things are good, and the good increases.