November 3rd

I'm not sure what else to call it. I'm feeling quite homesick, and I want to connect with friends. So I'm going to chat now with whoever is listening.

I leave for New Jersey this thursday for my final herbal mixtures and compounding class. It's a fuck-load of travel for two days of instruction. Yes. But I'm doing it on principle: that is, the principle of free. This last class wasn't scheduled, it was a make up of sorts, because during our first class, Tom almost died. Literally. So he was in the hospital and we were being taught by his other instructors. It was fine, but Tom felt like giving us another class.

I'm quite fed up with traveling. Especially being in a city. I just want to drive seven fucking minutes and meet a friend for dinner and/or a walk, like I used to back in Fairfield. But I can't. I've go a friend thirty minutes away, and another an hour and a half. Everything is driving. The only thing I can do quickly is surf the internet, watch movies, read, and play music. walks are nice. Walks are very nice. I should go on a walk. Except it's dark now, so I can't go to the park. not that it's dangerous, it's just unlit, and it's a horse park, so the chances of me stepping in horse shit are almost 100%.

But I'll probably go for a walk anyways. It's necessary, right now. I think the bottom line is I am a people person. Despite my sometimes reclusive tendencies, it's not that I don't like people, it's just that I like personal time, to introspect and stuff.

I suppose if I want to hang out with friends, I can do that. Just like with everything in my life, it's not that complicated: do it, or don't do it. It's always that simple. Well, there is the additional factor of doing it and failing, but so what. If you do it enough, eventually you won't fail, and what else are you going to do?

The earthwalk school is good. Very good. It is teaching me the things I wanted to know.

Still I often hear the echo in my mind, "why are you doing this?" by which it means, why are you living out in Seattle, away from your friends, your home, your heart. Life is short, so why spend it unhappy and lonely?

I do have my reasons. No, I don't actually want to live as a recluse, but the knowledge I've got is so important, so many people are missing it and it fills their lives with a wounded emptiness, like someone cut out their heat long ago, and there is a horrible pain and fear and deadness that people have just accepted as normal, but it's not.

What I know needs to be mixed with experience so it can become wisdom and I can teach it well. Not that I see it as a job, but I people want it, and I have it, at least a little.

If, or when, I fight past the majority of my inner demons keeping me from living a full life, my joy in doing these nature skills will mean I do them on my own. Until then, this is nessisary.

It's insane, totally insane, that I am not doing the things that bring me the most joy in my life.
My reason is simple: doing what I love is more difficult. Much more difficult than distracting myself and wasting time.

Question to the universe: where do I find the streangth to live my love, despite the difficulty?

answer: what your doing right now.

sigh. it's the best answer you could get, but it does mean it's going to take time.

we all start from where we are, not from where our role models are, not from where we wish we were not from where we want to be.

we start from where we are, here, now, and the only perfection I can imagine finding in this ever-growing world is the clarity to see that this now is enough forever. If you can rest here, if I can rest here, in appreciation of what is, then that is the end of the search, the quest, the purpose of life. And when that happens, there will still be eternity, growing.

Both, not one or the other.