Nutshells

I love the simplistic.

How I am these days:

I am overwhelmed by the gifts of the universe. I am given more abundance than I could ever earn. And yet as far as my vision goes, my development is at the state of a baby. maybe a year old, still crapping myself. And I want more. Much much more.


What I want:

Very simply, I want to be successful in action. Not in an egoic, anger or fear motivated way, but in a non egoic, perhaps love motivated way. Success in action in this case means being able to start something, and stick with it to it's conclusion and success, or mastery, and fully enjoy the process of doing it.


Other notes:

there seems to be something wrong with my basic definition of successful action, that is too subtle for me to grasp at this moment, though I feel like I have understood it briefly and forgotten it, many times. However, the paradigm I have now is at odds with the wisdom, and so I cannot live the wisdom currently, nor can I even remember it, on command.

This seems to always be the case with wisdom that slips from my mind like fine sand in one's hands. I am not living the wisdom, and so realizations of the wisdom are momentary, not established. Eventually they are lived, and they don't have to be thought about or remembered.

The "wrong" thing is something fundamental, like my whole world-view is upside down.


I just recently realized that my main motivating belief for the last ten years is not true. It is, to try to put it into words: I need to work on my issues for them to go away.
This is an egoic way of trying to get enlightened. It served me well for ten years, but it is now a hindrance. Embedded in this belief is the world view that I am responsible for "making" myself enlightened. I do not know what comes next. But it will be free-er, closer to Truth.