what time is it?

I often find myself asking that question, as of late.

Not at all related to the time that a clock would say if I looked at it.
Not related to anything, consciously.
It's like a nervous tick, like saying "now where was I?" as someone wanders about the house, aimlessly.

Though I do sometimes expect an answer, something revelatory and unexpected, like: "It's Now," "A hair past a freckle," or "Naikkie Time!"
but mainly, the answer that I always give, if I give myself an answer is something along the lines of
"Time to die."

though not always in words, sometimes just a subtle feeling of that meaning.

This has been going on for a while. at least a month and a half. I've been carrying my will around in my pocket. I've been trying to understand, viscerally, my death. It was very useful, contemplating what I would write, in my will. It made me think of death, think of what was truly important in my life.

: your going to die. so, what really matters? what will you regret not having done? what parts of your life will you look back and consider wasted, trivial? what parts will make you able to die without regrets?

People who have serious near death experiences often have, for a short time, a new found appreciation for life. "I love the fact of my death; it has made my life possible" is a quote I find apt.

I'll tell you what I discovered, looking at my death: I love the world. I love life, and I would be sad to leave it, because I want to love it more. If there is one regret in my life it is the love I have not given.

that's it.

it's a very short will. Just a about a half a page. getting pretty beaten up, now.

here's the thing: I don't even know how to give the love, express the gratitude, that I want to.

HAH!

Ok, here's why: because I'm trying.
and, as Stalking Wolf would say, the act of trying negates itself.
It's sad to say for my ego, my little needy mind with its long, thin grasping fingers and beady little eyes has been a complete failure at accomplishing anything I ever wanted it too. It just doesn't do the job.
However, there is a different configuration of mind, one that is bigger, harder to pin down, not worried, relaxed, that does things very, very well. I can't control it, but what it does, it does well.

So, when my epic fail mind tries to express gratitude, it fails. This is the way most people function.
But when my Bigger mind is allowed to be, it flows love and gratitude just fine.

Frankly, it looks like all that was wrong was a thought that kept saying, "no, you can't express gratitude, you can't love things enough!" And the associated emotional knot, the root-stock of the thought.

Some variation of this is the answer to all problems I've ever had. And, along with the often intensive and time consuming work of releasing the emotional knot, it actually, amazingly, results in life-long change. That is, to whatever extent I honestly deal with that issue, it's got that much less emotional charge, forever.

And that's why this journey is my life, my obsession: because I like being free. distracting yourself, any of the million subtle or obvious ways we do, from this process, or from the pain which is the locater beacon of where to start this process, will result in temporary alleviation from the pain, but it will keep coming back, as strong as before or stronger, until the day you die.

The extent this journey is taken is the extent to which we are free, alive, and fulfilled. Each person's journey is highly personal. And the stage of the journey I am at right now is that of becoming aware of forward movement on the path, and how it happens. Some things seem to bring progress, some things seem to bring stagnation. Getting clear on which is which seems like a good idea. As this process become clearer, it becomes quicker, which means less time necessary for dealing with the locater beacons: suffering. which means, a happier life.

is this true? find out for yourself. there is no other way. nor need there be. everything on my path has eventually proved self-validating. Though I have been supported and helped tremendously, all along the path. You can always expect help from nature on this path. that is something I've come to rely on, because it has never let me down, nor anyone I know. Sometimes it puts you through hell first, though.