Friday, November 20, 2009

Nov. 20th, backlog

I sit at the keyboard like a statue. I kind of want to just stop. stop everything. Words come out like a psychotropic drug trip, so slow you can see them rolling down my sleeves to the computer, like marble sized ball bearings through molasses.

When I ask, "am I doing it right?"
When I see, my counterproductive habits
It's saddening. Demotivating. So I have to wonder what the point is.

The point.

Some days, like today, I literally feel like doing nothing. Like sitting on the couch as the gray day turns to twilight and night, staring off at nothing, spacing out as thoughts come and go, and emotions grip me strong enough to make me cry, then leave as quickly. As sensations move and morph through my body and mind.

Am I doing it right?
All this time, and the question still remains. I think the question will always remain, as long as I am willing to ask it. It's not about having an answer. It's about my fear, and about my trust, or lack of trust, in the universe.

Ultimately it's about neither, as I recognize the futility of waiting for understanding, to let myself relax. The world is as It is, now. I can fight it. I can accept it. Understanding it is just an excuse, either to accept it or keep from accepting it.

All I have ever found in my life is relativity. Relative truth, relative rules. Things get created in interaction, in relationship, and when that relationship changes, because one or the other thing changes, or both do, then the relationship changes, and so, it seems, do the rules.

The unchanging is unquantifiable. No rules can be derived from it, absolute for all time and occasion.

Here I am, afloat in the mysterious sea of existence. I observe interactions, I develop theory's, and hear other peoples theory's. But, like science, these theories are ultimately unprovable. Always being destroyed and disproven as deeper layers are uncovered.

Given all that complexity, the only questions I can ask are pragmatic ones. Questions which I must accept have no definite answer. Just temporarily useful answers. And the questions become very simple:

What is important?
what do I want?
how do I get it?

There are lots' of people willing to tell me there answers to these questions, but how many of them do I trust? Why are they telling me there answers? Perhaps for there own self-serving interests, perhaps because they genuinely want to help. If they genuinely want to help, can they? Are they themselves living something that I want to be living? Or are they just putting on a show.

(Let me say something right now, while we're on the subject: though I often talk about awakening and enlightenment, these are just convenient words, circumventing the true problem of defining what exactly they are, which as far as I can tell is un-communicable. I have no idea what enlightenment is. Much less idea than I used to. And you don't want what I have, whatever that is. You want something much more. Something, perhaps, that I want too. The difference being, maybe, that you think you know what that is: enlightenment, a romantic partner, financial stability; and I have no idea what it is that I want, though I am trying hard to find something.)

In any case, it seems like my search for answers may be doomed, because I am asking the wrong questions, or going about the project the wrong way. I'm assuming that there is something I can "do" that will finally eliminate this quiet emptiness and craving within me.

That's been working real well for thousands of years, right? No. So perhaps a different approach. Perhaps with the assumption that what I'm looking for is already inside me, and I simply keep running away from it, trying to find it in every place but the one it resides in.

For some reason, this is not an immediate fix. There seems to be a huge amount of blockage to discovering these things inside me. Or rather, a great pressure, pushing me out of the inside. I find that peace that passeth all understanding, that love and intimacy that is unrelyant on outside circumstances, though rejoicing in all, and then, it becomes obscured again, and forget my way back. It is highly odd. Why is that? why leave paradise?

Philosophically, it's a useless question, but practically, it's significant. If I can understand... ah, there I go again, trying to understand. But if they dynamics are clear to me, then there's a greater possibility of being able to change those dynamics.

well, it doesn't seem to be something I can consciously control, or I would have. It's a matter of what I experience. In which case, the question has already been partially answered for me: change my experience. There are plenty of techniques out there to do that. The question is, what works the best for me. And the question before that is: how do I figure that out?

Immediate options:
-just do what I've been taught when I was a little kid: TM
-try all the various modalities I've run into since then, and note which seems to work the best.
-pray for guidance
-try listening to my heart

(ok, done editing this, a week and a half later. funny, I completely disagree with the fundimental assumptions of this post. this is a good indicator that you are growing, and not stagnating: things you believed yesterday seem ludicrous, insane, the next day. If your worldview is staying the same, so are you, and in life, stagnation is death. doesn't mean it just changes, but expands to encompase previous worldviews from a larger perspective. Otherwise it's likely just window-shopping for beliefs/religions/spiritualitys.)

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