Sunday, November 14, 2010

Beliefs that hurt.

am I doing a good enough job?

my heart aches. I step back, I feel it, without judgments. I step back. It's still there.
I step forward. I listen to it. "Isaac. You're lonely. and a failure. and you're sad." Over and over the question has echoed through my life, "will this ever be over? With the torment end? For good?" Is that too much to ask? I'm not being rhetorical. Is that too much to ask? Should I aim lower? If it's too much to ask, to expect to eventually be happy and feel good about myself most of the time, that would be nice to know. I could devote my time to something else. At least I could do something useful and be of service to other people. Something to make my life useful. To make the world better, less painful, for my having been born.

Talking like that hurts people who care about me, perhaps. I don't want to do that. Worse though is holding it in. Keeping my pain to myself, because I'm afraid my friends can't handle it. That is a poor opinion of my friends. They're stronger than that. People are resilient. I'm proof of that. Even if I do feel like damaged goods some of the time.

I'm really good at bullshitting. At making stuff up. At making random meaningless stuff seem like it means something that I already believe. I believe I'm damaged goods, and I'm really good and looking at life and seeing proof of that, though there is no real proof.

"Look, I'm unmotivated. Look, I'm unhappy, Look, I'm undisciplined. Look, I can't get a girlfriend." And on and on, with specifics of any event or action I feel bad about.

Belifes seem to be living things. Like trees that have been growing for a long time, they are strong, resilent to chopping. They have deep roots that keep them from being pulled out easily, and that draw nutrients to sustain and grow them, from their surrounding enviroment. Belifes that are deeply rooted begin to feed themselfs, outside your conscious controle, and grow bigger and bigger. Hell, Inception, the movie, is a perfect illustration of what I'm talking about. We've all had those kind of belifes implanted in us from a young age. They look silly, when seen plainly. nonetheless, they are there, and they aren't budging. Do you know what yours are? you might want to. Here's a list of some of mine, off the top of my head.

I'm a bad person.
I'm a failure at life.
I will never be able to change being a failure.
Sex is wrong.
I'm doomed in sexual/romantic relationships.
I will never be able to make a significant contribution to society.
I will never be successful financially on my own.

If your going to say, "oh Isaac, that's not true." I ask you to keep those thoughts to yourself. I've asked myself "is this true?" about all these beliefs, and the bottom line is my mind says, "I don't know" and my heart says, "Yes." But my mind also has the belief that is your voice, saying, "you shouldn't belief negative things about yourself."

Well guess what? I do believe negative things about myself. fuck pretending to be spiritually enlightened.
I'd rather be honest.

I'm working on finding a way to honestly not believe these things about myself, I work on that daily. but until I change, that's how I feel. Saying thats not how I feel is lying, and I'm not about to do that for myself, since I always know when I'm lying, and I'm getting tired of doing it for other people.

Here's another good one:
"What other people think about me matters."

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