Sunday, November 28, 2010

journaling belifes

There are only a few ways I can produce voluminous content, but there are a few ways. Journaling is one. It is easy for me to free-write, as it is generally easy for me to create art: I'm good at separating my judgment from the art and just enjoying the process, entertaining myself with the art and not requiring it do more that entertain me. If it entertains others, that is also delightful, and more often than not it does, because the fun I have making it shows through. No tortured artist here.

I have been journaling beliefs hard core. At the core of them is something vaguely like, "I need a girlfriend." It is surprising how much charge this has, when something comparatively more important, like death, doesn't seem to have much charge. But it's possible, quite possible, that this is more immediate a threat, and thus is being triggered. This attachment, when triggered by, say, a pretty and cool girl I have a crush on who has at least a possibility of liking me too, unleashes so much energy. It's difficult even to meditate without having my overactive imagination whisking me off on imaginary journeys of romance. Cheesy, ridiculous perhaps. But screw off, mysterious detractors of my subconscious. I am as I am.

I am trying though, to seek truth through this. It is a challenge, of being willing to let go. My theme song lately is "Let Go" by Frou Frou. Let go of my attachment to having a girlfriend, let go of my attachment to girls liking me, let go of my desire not to end up a balding emotionally numb and sexually predatory old man who's dieing inside of loneliness while pretending to be spiritual.

Letting go of being something other than what I am. Horn-dog, devoted to truth, terrified of rejection, lost in fantasy, bursting with creativity, full of love, scared to death of being alone.
If something is really frightening to me, like telling a girl I like her, I am sucked into my avoidance, paralysis, fantasy pattern.
If I find a better way of living, I adopt it.
If something is in my way, I plow through or patiently chip away as long as it takes. I am a slow but unstoppable machine. And every step takes me further, makes me lighter, faster.

This is all open to all of you. This is your nature, this is your birthright, you cannot discard this, cannot get rid of it. You can only forget that you have this power. Any power. Jesus said, "this too you shall do, and more." He wasn't talking shit, he wasn't being flowery. He was being plain and simple and true.

Beliefs to be broken with the light of awareness/truth:
-I'm not doing the right thing. (get a job, make lots of money, start a company, be a hero.)
-I am alone. I am unlovable (I will only be loved when I have a girlfriend. I will only be ok when I'm with friends.)

remember: thoughts are not the problem. Believing your thoughts is the problem.
Also remember: becoming free of beliefs doesn't make you a potato. You are free to dream and move in the direction of that dream. The idea that holding onto your suffering inducing beliefs will make you more likely to get what you are attached to, is usually totally false. And always false, in terms of the basic satisfaction you are hoping these attachments will give you.

It's not that the joys of the world are bad. It's just that they are the icing on the cake. If you are relying on them for your happiness, you're going to be very sad sometimes when they're not there. As the relative world does, sometimes.

[thoughts from the future: funnily enough, all that time I was telling myself that having a relationship wouldn't give me what I really wanted or what I thought it would give me, were wrong. It is deeply satisfying in all the ways I thought it would be. And, now on my second relationship already, it's clear that the thing that was holding me back from having a relationship was not 'attachment to having a relationship' or some kind of spiritual block, but a rather simple belief that, once realized to be possibly false, resulted almost instantly in finding a significant other. I'd tell you what it is, but I should probably write a crappy self-help book and take 259 pages to tell you a paragraph's worth of information and make a bunch of money. More importantly, I don't know if the information will be used for evil, or even works for other people universally. If you really want to know, go for a walk with me and we'll chat.]

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