Thursday, November 25, 2010

The only time

When something hurts, it's me holding onto some attachment. And then I turn and see the attachment, and usually let go, after seeing that it brings me only suffering. Sometimes, it's hard to see that it only brings pain.

For instance, by belief and attachment to having a romantic partner. I believe it will make me happier, more fulfilled, stronger. I am attached to having that. The attachment to having that at some point in the future causes me pain now. I see that clearly. However, I also believe that if I let go of the attachment, I will not have the motive energy to make it happen, in the future.

What is lacking is basic trust, that I will preform to the best of my abilities, to fulfill my desires, even without the scourge of negative future centered beliefs.

Without attachments to specific outcomes, there is just action in the moment....
where is the cut-off line? Between planning and acting to achieve that plan, and being so attached to the outcome that it interferes with the action of the present.

I also have to figure out what I want in a woman.

I want her beautiful. she should be beautiful in my eyes.
and she should be interested in sex.
she should match with my personality well enough to enjoy long conversations. That means having a spiritual bent, and a good mind.
We should click very well, there should be mutual appreciation.
There should be similar, though not identical interests. Nature, sustainability, spirit. At least openness to primitive skills.
I hope that she motivates me. Not like a coach, but like a muse. Someone who inspires me with her appreciation and beauty.
We should have good sexual and sexual-spiritual chemistry.
I would like someone kind and joyful.
I would like someone with skills that balance out my own. We compliment each other. Perhaps she is a front and center gal.

I want, for myself, to be more........

AH HA! remembered it:

aaaand forgot it. shit.

What I want, and what is comfortable, are two different things. Sometimes, what I really want to do, is so uncomfortable to do (like just walking out in a social situation) that it's less uncomfortable to just ignore my desire and go with my fear of discomfort and screwing things up.

So I should practice just listening to my honest desires, and doing them, and then processing through all the negative feelings they bring up. Perfect opportunity to do Malcolm's homework on judgments and emotions. And if I can't bring myself to do that which I desire, I can at least remain aware, of the desire, the fear, and the feelings.


that was my big point. re read it tomorrow.

[it's now April, 2012. And it is rather satisfying to note that I have a girlfriend who, amazingly, somehow meets all my criteria for a good girlfriend I listed here. I must say I was hoping but not really expecting it. Not so quickly. This shit is why I can't help but feel deeply humbled in gratitude whenever I think on my life, despite the vast shit-storm I've endured.]

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