Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Small pieces of my life

Last night.

Finally took myself out for a walk and was struck dumb by the blazing sunset I just barley managed to catch. Ran and jumped through a vast field, intermittently dispersed will huge rolles of hay, and dreamed of staging epic foam sword battles there. Practiced chi-running, or something similar. Spooked some dear. discovered a hidden vedic mansion, way back in the interior of Vedic City.

On my way back, I slowed down near the end, trying to see if I could sense the presence of life moving around me, specifically deer, before they sensed me. I was stunned by how successful I was, and waves of gratitude washed over me, and I again and again felt presences and then later confirmed them by hearing the dear crash around or seeing there silhouette against the deep blue but still glowing sky. These senses, they are not mine. They are a gift, they belong to something greater and bigger than any one person. And yet, to connect to that something, requires something from the side of the one person.

I wandered off to dinner in town and a friend wandered in there at the same time, and informed me of a traveling theater show that was in town just for this one night.

My life feels like a vortex of improbability these days. Once again, not something small me is responsible for, directly. Though perhaps indirectly, through my actions and my heart, nature has decided it's ok to get a little more magical.

Still trying to break through this wall of habit, the fear I had when I was heading back to my old stomping grownds. I at least now have a spider sense that lets me know when I'm out of integrity. It just feels wrong. But I'm still responsible, every moment for making the choice for or against a life worth living. A life in flow. One of the few things I most strongly disagree with in the teachings of my childhood teacher is the idea of effortlessly being in flow, in tune with nature. That is flat out not my experience. Effortlessly is a poor word choice, because it requires, at least for now, a distinct effort to remain aware, and an even bigger effort sometimes, to move in the direction of flow, because that movement brings me up against such a massive array of fears, discomforts, and resistances. The only stance that holds me steady through this is that of the warrior, all willpower and determination, struggling for each step.

Sometimes it's easy and free flowing, and there's no good reason for me to go against flow, because going against flow feels bad and going with it feels good. I don't need any stance at all for those times. But the fight is not over, and so it would be foolish to drop my sword of will and discrimination. Though I've learned to wield it better, over the years. Even in battle, there are things that you cannot controle. Surrender does not contradict will. Surrender is the ultimate act of will. Surrender, in a real sense, means surrendering to what must be done, regardless of the repercussions or discomfort. And that is a matter of trust. Trust in the universe, and trust in yourself.

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