Wednesday, January 6, 2010

servant seeks master. dreamer seeks dream.

I want someone to tell me when to take a shit, when to brush my teeth. I want my life organized for me. Someone to remind me when to do what I need to do, and they say, "time to take a shower." and I sigh and wait a few seconds and then get up and go do it, because mine as well, and somebody's telling me to.

I can have that for myself, it feels like. To do so, I think I need a dream, a vision, a passion. Something internal to inspire me, to give me a reason to get up and brush my teeth, to do life. But I don't have one, and whenever i try to find one, it fails because it doesn't feel right. It's like I'm too picky, but it's more a feeling. I think something is just fundamentally wrong with how I am approaching dreaming up a motivating passion.

ah, of course. It's like everything else: it must be found within, not created from without. Otherwise it will feel fake, artificial, and "not good enough." As it does.

And this continually brings me back to this same question, again and again: what do you want?

and I've realized I'm not good at answering that question. I'm better at being flexible, at letting other people's wants come before mine, of just going with what's going on. That's not bad, in balance, but I don't even know how to listen to my own desires often. I need to learn that. Where the hell else am I going to find vision? A fucking astrology chart?

1 comment:

  1. :P

    Maybe find the joy in the moment? I too feel like I'm failing at trying to find purpose or what ever. I've given up and started to try to find little moments of joy/happiness, in the moment.