Thursday, January 21, 2010

Dual Forces

there is the voice that wants me to do the right thing.
then, there is the voice that criticizes me for not being good enough.

these are two separate processes, but they have intermingled like some kind of unholy redneck marriage, and the result is that when I try to do better I end up criticising myself and feeling awful. It's approximately like that guy from clockwork orange, where he's been conditioned to feel really bad whenever he tries to do violence or listen to Beethoven's 9th symphony.

Not actually connected, but conditioned. And something that needs to be dealt with, if I want to achieve and not feel like a fuckwit.

Because these two forces are in fact in opposition, though they at first glance seem aligned. The voice that is constantly criticizing saps my will to act, since there is the unconscious knowledge that no matter what I do, it won't be good enough for the inner critic.

The inner critic isn't bad, I think, but out of balance.

maybe there's more to the whole story. I'm sure there must be, or this problem would have been resolved already.

oh yeah, surrender. it's never where you thought it would be; the solution. It's tricky because it's not a thought. So the mind keeps running in circles, looking for an answer that is not within it's ken. at least now I have a little reminder tag that says to the mind, "stop looking: the answer is not accessible by you. Allow the larger, tectonic force to move you gently to the actual solution."

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