Wednesday, January 6, 2010

don't fail at love

I think I think to much, and act to little. Often when I was younger, I would think as an excuse for not doing something that scared me, but was probably the right thing to do. It was like a stall tactic. I certainly didn't do it consciously, but looking back, I can see how I just couldn't face the fear of failure, fear of not being good enough. Those things really scare me. what if I put in my all and it turns out I'm a nothing, untalented, stupid, forgotten within a generation or two. Squandering resources while successful people accomplish big things.

The real fear of putting in my all is that I will have a crystal clear vision of my worth reflected in my accomplishments, and if my accomplishments are mediocre then that means so am I.

And I have been convinced that I am mediocre. My attempts at relationships when I was younger proved that to me. I was a complete failure at having a romantic relationship. At even starting one. So it seems perfectly reasonable to my subconscious that I must really be a failure as a person, since i have failed at that most basic and important task of having someone of my choosing love me.

At the same time as I feel this way, irrationally and emotionally, I am aware that this thinking is only hampering whatever my potential is, and serves no positive use.

And the clarity of that understanding means I cannot do that any more. Not willingly.

I think it's likely I will continue to be timid and avoid really putting in effort. But from experiences with previous cycles of growth, it seems very likely it will be diminishing, and learning how to act directly and not get lost in mental mires, will be growing. It's exciting, very exciting, and also scary. I may have to face directly now or soon, my intense fears of being worthless and a failure. And to face those fears is to feel them, and they feel like ouchie.

U2, "it's a beautiful day", silence.

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